Lament

Lament

 

I long for my mind

So strong and wise

The passion once present

Escaped through my eyes

 

Now as I live

baring no fears,

I feel no joy,

I cry no tears

 

I long for my will

Such diesire to live

The boy once driven

Now has nothing to give

 

Now as I breathe

on through the years,

I feel no joy,

I cry no tears

 

Why I've lost

before It's begun

Why I search west

For a rising sun

 

I could  not say,

I am not here

I feel no joy,

I shed no tears

 

I long for myself

So distant and strange

I long for my person

No warning, he changed

 

Now as I live

through the surprise,

I feel no joy,

no tears, do I cry

 

Why I've quit

Before life started

Why I live

So broken hearted

 

I could tell you

no answer, I fear,

I feel no joy

I shed no tears

 

I cannot say

what I cannot feel,

I shed no tears,

My sadness is too real

 

I could tell you

no answer, I fear

I feel no joy,

I shed no tears

Reviews

[L.G. Knight]

I cannot say

what I cannot feel,

I shed no tears,

My sadness is too real



I could tell you

no answer, I fear

I feel no joy,

I shed no tears

How terribly sad and wonderfully Emo! I love it SO much It is something I could write and feel and never think twice of but when you write it and I read it fills my soul like waters fills a bucket on a rainy day and that is so corny but so true that I am gonna stop now before I get even more emotional about your emotions lol

I love you Main!

~Frances~

[she makes me weird]

This is a great piece. It's filled with real emotions...one's you create in me as I read your words. It's sad, yet so realistic. Good job.

[Jon]

Really great write this one - a piece that I can really identify with too. That place you get to where you kind of just switch off your emotions but in numbing the pain you also numb your joy and your passion and everything that goes with them.

"I long for my mind
So strong and wise
The passion once present
Escaped through my eyes"

Brilliant way to start - had me hooked in straight away.

Really well conveyed - an excellent piece. One thing i was told about my writing when i first joined that less is sometimes more. I think this is top stuff and would not pick anything out that isn't there deservedly - but as an excercise try cutting it down to the best 5 stanzas in there in your opinion and read it back to yourself - you may find it packs even more of a punch - you may find it does nothing for you (in which case ignore me i'm waffling!!) just something that worked for me once ;)

[Travis Lawrence]

Good use of repetition throughout.

"Why I've lost
before It's begun
Why I search west
For a rising sun

I could not say,
I am not here
I feel no joy,
I shed no tears"

Here the imagery is good, simple but good, and the emotion and confusion are apparent. My favorite part.

I would consider these great lyrics, but if you are looking for ways to distinguish your poetry from merely being lyrical, you should throw in more poetic elements, like the imagery used here, or some metaphoric language, allusions, alliteration, etc. etc.

Poetry is about showing your emotions on the page, not merely telling of them. You'll get better as you mature as a writer, that's for sure, and as you do, keep that in mind. My advice, anyway.

-Travis

[Aries]

Wow, I know these feelings to well...very touching, heartfelt.

Wonderfully written, and expressed with raw emotion~

Another wonderful write~