Nickel

he’s already trapped in a vicious cycle

for his plentiful sins he is not liable

inhale, exhale, take deep breaths

only milestone left is death

he needs fuel to exacerbate his life

so his days are passed in this search for strife

people say that on society’s face he is a wart

uniforms and a cell would help his heart

it doesn’t matter where he is towed

his life is parallel paths on the same road

passerby slow their pace to a trickle

echoing, “no, I cannot spare a nickel”

Reviews

[Cyndy Robinson]

mmm, I love your work. You have that philosophical vein that I so enjoy, as well as a sense of humor with it. Great piece!

[stargirl23]

Thank you so so so much!

[Ruth]

I like the mysterious quality of this Adi...'tis a sad fact of life that some suffer so and wait for death...an observant and valuable piece...

[stargirl23]

Thank you!

[JayG]

If you're going to rhyme, then rhyme. When you do the reader has a set of expectations, that you will maintain the beat, and keep prosody in mind as you choose the words and their order.

You also have to keep in mind that the reader has no context you don't either give or suggest. Intent, and any images you hold don't make it past the keyboard. And given that, who is reader to take as "he?" And why is that person not responsible for undefined sins? You know. The mysterious "he" may know. But don't forget the reader, who knows only what the words suggest to THEM.

[stargirl23]

Thank you, I will look again and try to fix it. Could you please elaborate on what is wrong with the rhyming though? Thanks.

[JayG]

I'm not wild about slant rhyme, when rephrasing can smooth them. Breaths/deaths for example. Cycle/liable, and caught/heart seem a real stretch when read aloud. And goes/road has no rhyme, though you've established a rhymed couplet structure.

And finally, the last couplet seems forced for the purpose of rhyming.
http://forum.rhymezone.com/articles/963-forced-rhymes-what-they-are-and-how-to-avoid-them

[stargirl23]

Ok thank you!

[Emily]

Awesome first line!
Well done!!

[stargirl23]

Thank you!

[dan]

Adi, It's a little bit difficult to tell who is the "he" of which you write. That makes it a bit hard to relate to things like "his search for strife." The way the piece ends with your statement "...no, I cannot spare a nickel..." seems to suggest perhaps an acquaintance down on his luck; perhaps you are reluctant to help because this person brought this strife upon himself?
BTW, I love the line "...his life is parallel paths on the same road." Very strong imagery well placed. Adi, you write so well but I had a bit of difficulty with this one, figuring out the meaning. Maybe it's just a bad brain day on my part. take care...dan

[stargirl23]

Thank you for the honest review I will look at it again!

[dan]

Don't get down on this one because of my review, Adi. Like I said I think my brain was just a bit muddy lately, still not real healthy. You are still, in my opinion, one of the finest young writers here on WC. take care...dan

[stargirl23]

Thank you, and it's ok I'm not down about it! I do want to fix this poem however:)