Chapter 1

Chapter 1

A Chapter by Addi
"

Here's the first chapter- if you like it, I'll post the second please please please review

"

Sebastian walked, the ground frozen beneath his feet. The smell of winter hung in the air, and the sun was just beginning to creep out from behind the clouds in the distance. It was a cold morning and the meadow was still thick with fog from the night before. A gust of wind hit Sebastian squarely in the chest, almost knocking him over as his feet slipped on the ice. Not exactly perfect weather for a nice stroll in the sunshine.

“Over here!” Kerry called, a couple of steps behind him.  She bent down to pick up the wounded bird from where it lay in a patch of thawed grass. Sebastian turned back and watched as she gently held the dove in her palm. The poor animal’s wing was broken and twisted at a painful angle.

“What should we do?” she asked. The concern was evident in her eyes. That was Kerry, always worrying about everyone but herself.

“There’s not much we can do,” replied Sebastian. “We might as well put it out of its misery.”

“Well, you do it. I can’t watch.” Kerry passed the dove to Sebastian and started walking back along the path, but she halted after only a few steps. “Sebastian?”

“Yes, Kerry?”

“There’s an envelope over here, where I found the bird. No, hold on, two envelopes!”

“Um, ok, good to know…” She grabbed the first envelope and broke the seal. In one glance she took in the carefully crafted stamp at the top of the letter. She unfolded the rest of the page, and reached for the other envelope.

“Sebastian!”

“Kerry, come on, I’m in the middle of something here. So there’s some envelopes. What do you want me to do about it?” snapped Sebastian.

“I think the dove was delivering us a message. They're from the King.”

 

Sebastian read through his letter once more, for about the hundredth time. Bobette, the grumpy old cat, lay curled at his feet, licking her paws contentedly. She kept one eye on him at all times, with the affectionate gaze she saved for him only. She was a fussy old cat, but, for some God forsaken reason, she loved Sebastian. The fireplace crackled and spit, illuminating the corner where stood a tattered armchair. In the chair, knitting needles clicking furiously, sat Sebastian’s mother.

“Thomas?” she began, staring at her son with absent eyes.

“It’s Sebastian, Mum,” he said patiently, his tone gentle.

“Sebastian? Do I know a Sebastian?”

“I’m your youngest son. I’m eighteen next month.”

“Well where’s Thomas? Go get him for me, would you? I want to have a word with that fool about what he said to me earlier,” murmured Mrs Worth.

“Dad’s dead, Mum,” sighed Sebastian. About two years ago, his mother lost her memory. No herbalist, doctor or healer could explain how or why, only that it was almost certain to be a permanent thing. His older brothers had already moved out and had families of their own, so ever since, Sebastian had been left to look after his mother all alone. Kerry visited from time to time: she was the most patient person he knew, and that really helped with the situation. But mostly, it was just the two of them: Mrs Worth, the madwoman, and her son, the live-in nurse. It was true, he would never be able to do anything with his life. His mother needed constant care, and he was the only one there to give it. His siblings all had jobs and lives outside of their nondescript little hometown, but he would never get that chance.

 

Kerry smiled her strangely crooked smile. Her features were a muddle of intense black eyes, thin lips and a long nose. No one could ever call her pretty, but she had a beautiful smile. However, Sebastian was one of very few people who knew what that smile meant: she wanted something.

“What is it?” he asked, grinning. Kerry attempted a confused look. As always, her face reflected exactly what she was thinking no matter how she tried to hide it.

“What is what?”

“I know you want something, so out with it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kerry responded defiantly. “But I have been thinking…” Sebastian laughed. “You know those messages from the King?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, that’s… it’s amazing, don’t you think?” She pulled her letter out of her pocket.

 

Dear Kerry Alice Rollens,

 

It is with the utmost pleasure that I invite you to my courts to partake in the newly established Battle of Larion. This battle involves competitors from all walks of life, the young, the old, the talented, the beautiful, the powerful, the brave. There shall be thirteen of these competitors, and each will train for a period of eleven weeks at my castle. Then the thirteen will be put to the test in a series of challenges and battles.

 

After each challenge, the lowest achieving contender will be eliminated from the Battle of Larion. And so it shall continue until there is one person left, the Champion. This champion will become my supreme advisor, and when they reach the age of twenty-two (if they have not already done so), they will also be chief commander of my army. My Champion will live in the castle and have all the riches he or she could ever dream of.

 

You may in fact be wondering what the purpose of the Battle of Larion actually is. I am not prepared to disclose my reasoning at this point, but I will tell you that I am in search of a person who might protect our lands and be put forth as Champion of the Kingdom to serve me in future endeavours.

 

It has been brought to my attention, Miss Rollens, that you have a powerful mind and several uncanny abilities that would serve me well. So I, the King, personally request you to compete in the Battle of Larion.

 

I hope you are well and I look forward to hearing from you in the next week.

 

Yours truly,

 

King Siotan

 

Sebastian's own letter, which was folded carefully under his pillow, was almost identical, except that it mentioned his bravery and skill with a sword. He had read it so many times that he knew it off by heart.

“I mean, the King specifically requested us,” Kerry gushed. “I just think it’s worth considering, don’t you?”

“No.”

“But-”

“Look, Kerry, you do whatever the hell you want. I’m not stopping you from becoming just another pawn in Siotan’s little game,” said Sebastian. “Just don’t bring me into this, ok?” She rolled her eyes at him.

“Sebastian. Think about it. I can’t force you to go, but at least think about it. The King is offering us the opportunity of a lifetime. It’s not chess. This could be the beginning of a change in luck for you. And even if it’s not, it will be an experience.”

“And what about my mum, huh? You think I can just leave her here by herself?” he demanded.

“She’ll be fine…” mumbled Kerry.

“You say that, but deep down you know that she won’t. There’s any number of things that could go wrong if she’s left alone.”

“Think about it.” After that they just sat there in silence, comforted by each other’s presence, but content inside their own thoughts. Kerry was Sebastian’s best friend. They had grown up together and she had been there for him when no one else had. But sometimes she just couldn’t understand. She tried to, but she couldn’t. She didn’t know what it was like for Sebastian, to have his mother not even recognise him most days. To be stuck with the shadow of a person he used to know, and have to stay there and endure the heartache no matter what. He couldn’t just get up and leave. That wasn’t the way it worked. Besides, “The Battle of Larion” sounded fake and stupid anyway.

 

As Kerry slammed the door behind her, she was greeted by a loud keening sound. She ran down the hallway and turned left into the kitchen, where her father was trying to boil water.

“What’s all that noise?” she asked. Mr Rollens whipped around and gave her a well-rehearsed death stare.

“Well if I knew then I would’ve stopped it, wouldn’t I?” he shouted at her. Just then, her mother hurried in, her face and hands coated in sawdust.

“What’s that noise?” she demanded, gesturing wildly as she often did while she spoke. “I’m trying to fix the bloody porch step, because you’re too bloody useless to do it! All I asked you to do was get me a flaming cup of tea! What the hell have you done?” Mr Rollens flinched under his wife’s stony glare.

“Well, I-”

“Don’t you start making excuses, now! Oh get out of the way, you’re bloody useless!” Kerry couldn’t help smiling to herself as her mum pushed her father aside and sent him staggering back into the wall. Mrs Rollens bent over and set to work on getting rid of the noise, amid repeated mutterings of “bloody useless!”.  Kerry quickly exited the room before her presence was noticed, because she would surely be told to “pull on some overalls and fix the bloody porch step, bloody brainless girl!”. Her parents were rather an odd pair, constantly screaming at each other and holding grudges that seemed to last forever. Her father was more likely to scream at his children, but when her mother entered a room, he turned to jelly and she was the one doing the screaming. But they were loveable once you got to know them, and they really did care about their family, which wasn’t something that could be said for everyone in the town.

 

Sebastian made his way through winding alleyways and crowded markets, until he reached the little yellow house on the corner of Teller and Jone Street. It could’ve been a nice place, except the lawn was unmown, vines were growing up the house, paint was peeling, and good old Mergol, peering out of a foggy window, couldn’t care less. Mergol was a hard person to describe. On first glance, it was difficult to tell whether he was a man or a woman. He was one of the best healers in the Kingdom, but a definite oddball, which put off some of the customers. Sebastian walked up to Mergol’s home and knocked. After a moment, the door creaked open and there stood the old man. Dull blue eyes bore into Sebastian’s. The unruly grey curls down to the shoulders, brightly coloured robes and a tribal necklace completed the look of a lunatic charlatan, but Mergol was far from what he looked like.

“Good morning, sir,” greeted Sebastian politely. Silence. “Uh, can I come in please?”

“I think not,” replied the healer.

“See, I need to talk to you. It’s about my mother.”

“Very well then, wipe your feet on the mat,” sighed Mergol. Sebastian followed him inside and found himself in the strangest living room he had ever seen. Every inch of the space was covered in black. Black furniture, black carpet, black walls. There was just one thing that wasn’t black: a white owl, perched on the arm of a chair.

“This is… nice,” Sebastian said finally, at a loss for words.

“Don’t lie,” Mergol tutted. “Never lie to me, Sebastian. You will regret it. Now, have a seat and tell me what’s wrong with that stupid old mother of yours this time.”

“Well, it’s not so much her, it’s more a problem I have with her. I need some medical advice.”

“Need some medical advice, or want some medical advice?”

“Want, I guess. I want to know if it would be alright to leave her on her own for a while.”

“How long?”

“I don’t know, forever?” Mergol laughed, more of a cackle really. Sebastian flinched at the sound.

“You want the harsh truth? If you want to leave, you’ll need to find someone reliable to stay with her, and those people are hard to come by. She’s very unstable, anything could happen if she’s alone or left in the wrong hands. You can’t just go, that’s never going to be possible.”

“I thought as much,” sighed the young man, standing up. “Thanks for your time.”

“Is there a particular reason why you want to go, or is it just teenage selfishness?” asked Mergol, frank as ever. Sebastian turned back to face the old man as he made his way to the door.

“I got an interesting offer from the King,” he replied.

“The Battle of Larion?” said Mergol.

“How did you know?”

“I recommended you to His Majesty.”

“You did? Why? You barely know me.”

“Most people would just take it as a compliment and walk away, Sebastian.”

“Well then, Mergol, I suppose I’m not most people.”  

“I know you’re not. That’s why I recommended you.”

 

Mrs Worth was in the kitchen, making stew. Thomas Worth’s favourite, beef and potato. She wandered out into the living room to finish off some knitting. And soon enough, she forgot that stew was cooking. She was busy searching for Christmas decorations when Sebastian burst through the door, screaming.

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?” he yelled, startling his mother.

“What are you moaning about? I want two cups of goat’s milk. Make it snappy,” cried Mrs Worth. But Sebastian had already disappeared into the kitchen. Flames had erupted and begun eating up the room, angry red beasts demolishing their prey.  

 

It took fifty buckets of water and lots of screaming for help before the fire was out. The whole room was a mess, blackened furniture, charred floor. Sebastian couldn’t bear to look at it anymore, so he retreated to his bedroom. This room contained the bare minimum, with only a bed and a chest of drawers. Kerry had always wanted to decorate it, but Sebastian was adamant on the issue. He flopped onto the bed, and buried his face in the pillow. This was not usually something done by an eighteen-year-old boy, almost man, but he was just sick of it, of everything. How can I be stuck here for the rest of my life? he asked himself. This can’t be my destiny. As Kerry would say, I’m meant for something better.

 

Kerry piled on the dirt and flattened it with the back of the shovel so it had a smooth surface. She plucked a stick from the ground and carved: Here lies an innocent creature. Peace be with him. Most people would have just thrown the dove’s body away and thought nothing more of it, but Kerry believed in equality and justice. She was a sensitive girl, with a heart so big it was sometimes overwhelmed other people. She would treat the tiniest insect the same as she would a Baron; that’s who she was. She felt something strangling her legs and looked down to see her younger sister, Lea. Lea was five, at an age where nothing but playing, eating and sleeping seems to matter. Kerry picked her up and held her, looking out over the setting sun. It was so beautiful; reds, blues, oranges and golds all moulded together, seeping into one another like an abstract painting. That was it, the whole world right before their eyes, Mother Nature at her best. Lea leaned her head on her sister’s shoulder and watched as the sun slowly sunk into the ground.

“Where does the sun go at night time?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” Kerry responded. “But I do know that it always comes back.” At home, it was just her, her parents, and her little sister. She didn’t want to leave all of it behind, but somehow, she was starting to feel like it was her destiny, that fate had given her this chance for a reason. Though she knew Sebastian would never leave, she felt she owed it to herself to explore outside the tiny town of Hansville that had been home all her life.

 

“Sebastian?” called Kerry, poking her head through his window. Her best friend was lying underneath his sheets.

“Kerry, what are you doing?” he screamed.

“I’m coming in.” She started climbing through the window.

“Stop, stop! At least let me get dressed first, would you?”

“Oh, come on Sebastian, I’m like your sister, and you’ve got a sheet anyway,” said Kerry, laughing.

“Yeah, well I’m pretty sure sisters don’t go around climbing through windows when they’re brothers aren’t dressed.”

“Sure they do.” Kerry grabbed the sheet and whipped it off Sebastian, grinning. He wasn’t exactly seeing the joke.

“What are you doing?” He jumped up and ducked around the side of the bed, but it was so low, it provided very minimal coverage.

“I’ve seen it all before, Sebastian. Anyway, I didn’t come here to see you naked. I wanted to talk to you about the Battle of Larion.”

“I thought I made my opinion very clear.”

“I know you did, but have you had a chance to think about it? I have and I figured you can always find someone who’ll stay with her,” said Kerry: hopeful, almost pleading. She had made up her mind to go, but she wished Sebastian would come with her.

“But who can I trust with my mother’s life?” Sebastian demanded. He smiled up at her, still trying to hide himself behind the bed. “Look Kerry, I want to come, but I just don’t think it’s the right thing to do. You’ll have fun there, though.”

“I hope so.”



© 2013 Addi


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Featured Review

Wow, only halfway through the first chapter, and i'm hooked! Love your idea so far, and all the characters! Kerry's parents sould like a riot! ^^ Sebastian i can see as a hero type, and look forward to seeing him in action! The King's event sounds really interesting! Very good so far... X)

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Addi

11 Years Ago

Thank you! :)



Reviews

I love this! The descriptions are beautifully done and the different personalities you show through each character are priceless. I was pulled in from the first sentence and really look forward to reading more!

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Addi

11 Years Ago

Thank you! :)
Dear Addi

As promised the first instalment of my review of 'At Castle Larion'.

Chapter one in this case. I shall take you through my views on each chapter, one at at time and give you the best constructive comment I can muster.

Here are my comments on Chapter 1:

1) It is my personal belief, though I believe it is held by most, that you have to draw the reader in with your first sentence or paragraph. I found this to be the case here. It made me want to read on. Big tick;

2) Your dialogue of which there is much is natural. Mine can be stilted. My problem is that the way I talk, write and speak (take the wording of this review as an example, cough!) is natural to me but not to most of the rest of the population. I have been critiqued adversly for my own style of dialogue, or even its absence or rarity, but I cannot adversely critique yours. It has a flow;

3) There is much to like about the way you write this - the colourful characters; their relationships; their interaction; the feel of a A Grimms' fairy tale in the making with the King's challenge. The language is simple and easy to follow; the reader can relate to the carer of a disordered mother; the frienship not quite sexual yet, but getting there, of best childhood friends, of almost brother and sister.

Summary so far? Excellent.

I would be a poor reviewer and serve you little purpose if I did not point out to you the difficulties I have with this the first chapter. I only have two:

1) The first is the old chestnut of split timeframes. You move me as a reader from one point in time to another and start to make me lose the thread of when things are happening. This is a difficulty I have with Split. How to solve this issue? It's a difficult question and the answer does not come easily and there is no one rule for all

In Split, I try to make it clear to the reader the period I am talking about in the chapter heading. I also (at least most of the time) keep each timeframe to a chapter. I do not generally do two timeframes in one. Where I want the reader to pause in a chapter and switch face, I use an asterisk to denote the change.

My solutions are my own. But I would suggest to you, you could easily make this chapter into a number of chapters, denoting the change in time frame by one means or another. In doing this in Split, one of my reveiwers called it gauche. That was his own opinion, which I respect (all comments constructively made are good comments) but in the case of Split, split timeframes are all; dates are everything and if I lose the reader by not flagging to them clearly what I am doing, I am dead even before I started.

There is much to be said for very brief chapters. I always like those books which do that. I flick the pages and think, 'Thank Christ' (apolgies for the use of the vernacular) I only have 2 or 3 pages to read before I stop and get a coffee. As a reader I hate having to leave a book in mid-chapter. I have to re-read to see where I was.

2) Second and final point. And this again is an age old chestnut and it is the whole question of perspective. You have two main characters here, Sebastian and Kerry. At times you look at the world through her eyes and then through his. That's fine. But if you are doing that, it is precsiely then that new chapters or even asterisked breaks become important.

Where it goes wrong in my personal opinion, is that at times you as author step outside their own peceptions and become author God. That is we now see the world through a third perspective, yours. This does not work for me, though it may for others. Either you are telling us about the world your characters are inhabitating yourself, or they are telling us. Have another read and see if you can understand what I am saying.

So as not to turn this review, as I have a habit of doing, into a book itself, let me know if you agree or disagree and then I will give you some examples.

Forget all that.

There is a welcoming charm to this novel in the making. I like the people you describe. It is as if you know them personally. I suppose that as writers is what we are always trying to achieve - make our characters like real people - but as I say see the world only through their eyes and not yours.

Last thought on perspective.

You may just choose to be author God and see the world through your eyes as the author only - quite 19th centur literature. But try not to mix and match.

Please Addi, take this as an honest and sincere review from a dispassioante reader. Others may disagree with what I say, you too. You and they may be right and I wrong. Horses for courses.

I will say this to you however, I never look at anyone else's reviews of a person's writing before I make my own comments. I really do not want to be influenced by others thoughts. I just want to give you my own.

Once you have reacted to this reveiw (or do I mean novella itself) I shall move on to reading Chapter two.

There is very strong material in this first chapter and a novel in the making. Like my novel Split, it just needs some work / editing to improve it.

It is your job in this and your other books as I in mine to perfect our art, with valid critique from others to get our material on the streets.

With hard work on both our parts, I hope we shall both get there one day.

I intend to read this book first and take you through my own perosnal views, step by slow step and in so doing provide you with all the help I can in serving that objective.

With my warmest regards as ever

James

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

James Hanna-Magill

11 Years Ago

Dear Addi

Please don't worry over much.

I will try and give you a couple o.. read more
James Hanna-Magill

11 Years Ago

Dear Addi

Here are a couple of instances where you switch between the perceptions of Se.. read more
Addi

11 Years Ago

Thank you for clarifying that for me. I'll definitely think about my wording. Thanks for taking the .. read more
Wow, only halfway through the first chapter, and i'm hooked! Love your idea so far, and all the characters! Kerry's parents sould like a riot! ^^ Sebastian i can see as a hero type, and look forward to seeing him in action! The King's event sounds really interesting! Very good so far... X)

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Addi

11 Years Ago

Thank you! :)
First Paragraph: "Sebastian walked, the ground frozen beneath his feet. The smell of winter hung in the air, and the sun was just beginning to creep out from behind the clouds in the distance."

What does the frozen ground sound like? What DOES winter smell like? Try including some of the senses into your writing, it makes it more vivid in the readers mind when you do that. Which I just love detail and I love to know what exactly the scene that is being set for the characters.

Besides that, I really enjoyed this chapter, the dialogue was nice and spaced out, it was not all clustered together like some of the other books I have read recently. The dialogue helped reveal certain personality aspects of the characters, and it also helped move the story along, so that was great. The concept of the story is slightly original, at least I have not ever read something quite like this before, so that is great.

Anyways, I enjoyed reading this chapter, and now on to the next ;).

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Addi

11 Years Ago

Thank you! I'll think about your suggestions :)
I love it so far! Your descriptions are beautiful and I feel like I already know your characters. I like how you demonstrated the kindnesss in Kerry with the broken bird and how much Sebastian cares for his mother. I am excited to see what happens in the battle. The only thing that was a little unclear is why Kerry and Sebastians letter came together. I would think a message as important as that should be delivered individually. Other than that it is excellent. Good job:)

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Addi

11 Years Ago

Thank you so much! I agree about the letters, that makes sense. I really appreciate you review. Than.. read more

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Added on March 1, 2013
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Author

Addi
Addi

Australia



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