Limb Eric?

Rotton rhymes

I once met a girl on a ship
she wore leathers and sported a whip
when I asked her the price
she said, 'it'll it be nice
for a thrashing and well worth a tip.'

Why do you swing on that limb Eric?
I think you're being rather dim Derek
This poem's quite slack
When the poet's called Jack
But I think it might be a limerick

There's one thing for which I give thanks
That my name is Armitage Shanks
When you go for piss
Just try not to miss
And I'll laugh all the way to the banks

(Armitage Shanks makes most British loos)

I once met a Martian called Jock
And boy could that odd fellow talk
It was all quite absurd
Understood not a word
So I told him to go for walk

I'll admit to the size of my nose
MY proboscis in reach of my toes
But I'll have to admit
That I might have a fit
If I find that the bloody thing grows!

I once met a girl from Morroco
Impressed by the size of my 'sock'. Oh,
spare me your blushes
I'm getting hot flushes
I'll pretend that I'm licking a Choco.

I love to take holidays in Spain
but the spaniels can be such a pain
I just lie on the beach
my plonk within reach
and the rain damn well fell on the plain

Between dawn and dusk lies the day
But night's when I like making hay
I'm always in hope
Of having a grope
Or considerably more, I must say

My wife's run away
not much more i can say
I'll just raise a cheer
crack open the beer
Invite in my mistress to stay

I thought I would give him a fright
And leave him alone for one night
He'll come crawling back
And plead to change tack
When he reckons the size of his plight

At this point I'm lying in the tub
With this limerick approaching the nub
When my damn tablet fell
To a watery ..splash
bubble .. bubble .. bubble ...

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is killer! I love limericks, but you've taken them to the moon & back! I'm admiring how you balance the simplicity needed to convey a bitesize message per stanza, but still infused with your deliciously complicated way of imagining things. These are some of the best limericks I've ever read. Your explanatory parenthetical is perfectly added for clarity. Hope your holiday season is starting off with good health & lots of love (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[alanwgraham]

There's a girl from california, my muse
that I'm trying hard not to confuse
with a dastardly rhyme
that sounds rather fine
after far too much time on the booze

Thanks Margie, the only thing I can say is you're easily pleased! The only problem is that I can't go for a pee now without saying the limerick!
Hope all is well and very pleased Donald has had his 'gas put on a peep' or 'his coat's now on a shoogly peg.' You might guess these Scots sayings in the context.
All the best,
Alan

[barleygirl]

It'll be good to drown the leech in investigations, starting January when liberals are in control, but I can't wait for the public to see the Mueller report which should drop in coming months & maybe we won't even need to investigate his "minor" transgressions when we find out what's REALLY behind his subservience to dictators! *wink! wink!*

[Robert Trakofler]

Ha Ha! the scotch irish in me is awash in the delight of these limericks! What is it about a limerick that always makes me happy? Perhaps it's a genetic thing but of these, i enjoyed very much good sir.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks. I always have fun writing these and they can't be taken too seriously.
Have a good new year.
Alan

[Chris Shaw]

Your limericks are really good Alan. I read them out loud and you have got the rhythm just right. A nice little collection here. I don't recall ever writing a limerick. My favourite? Between dawn and dusk lies the day. Well done you.

Chris

[alanwgraham]

you're really too kind my dear Chris
for this nonsense to not give a miss
these limericks I write
when I feel rather tight
and my mind's in a state of bliss!

I don't wish to worry you Chris but when I rhyme compulsively it can be a symptom of my Bipolar!
Thanks for reading,
Alan

[Chris Shaw]

Doesn't worry me Alan. I can remember you telling me how you can rhyme on automatic pilot when you are bipolar. And you have responded in limerick as well. How cool is tgat?

[Amy]

I really enjoyed reading this! I tend to favour reading limericks, and I like how you combined several into one writing. My favorite one would be the martian named Jock or the one talking about your nose growing. I also found it funny and clever the way you ended it.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Amy - just some light relief from my more serious writing!
Alan

[J. J. Nightingale]

Ha Ha...so funny..............did enjoy


Jazzy

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Jazzy.

[alanwgraham]

Its weird but rhyming is actually a symptom of getting high. Many of the great poets (not me!) Were manic. By the way your festive wear is very snazzy!
Alan

[J. J. Nightingale]

Getting high..lol funny you... humm.. Right, many of the Greats were Manic !!! ..Oh..THANKS FOR THE KIND COMMENT....LOL..... You are welcome..

[Onlyme]

This tickled my funny bone and made me chuckle.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Dawn. I am a compulsive limericker. This collection was just some light relief.
Cheers. Alan

[Onlyme]

you will have to put some more up Alan.

[Arthur Gordon]

A nice rhyme and humorous

[alanwgraham]

Apologies Arthur. I can see that I forgot to thank you for the review.
All the best.
Alan

[LazerRays]

what did you ask the girl eh? ;) wink wink hahahahaha. this definitly sounded like a limerick. make a rap outta this will ya? hahaha i love it; its funny to read because the rhymes flow perfectly! nice job!

[alanwgraham]

Sorry for taking so long to thank you Sarah. I really enjoy writing these.
All the best.
read moreSorry for taking so long to thank you Sarah. I really enjoy writing these.
All the best.
Alan

[alanwgraham]

For the muddle I'm truly sorry
for I'm sure there's no flies on lorry
i deserve a big slap
for the limerick is crap
but eric's unlikely to worry!

Thanks Lorry - the moral is think again before pressing submit
Alan

[Lorry]

I would comment more, if I wasn't so busy wondering to myself how it never clicked about limb eric/limerick. So in summation, im a moron :)

[alanwgraham]

For the muddle I'm truly sorry
but I'm sure there's no flies on lorry
i deserve a big slap
for the limerick is crap
but eric's unlikely to worry!

Thanks Lorry - the moral is think again before pressing submit. Sorry for delay - I typed into the wrong box.
Alan

P

[Lorry]

Ha, nice one. :)