Limb Eric?

Rotton rhymes

I once met a girl on a ship
she wore leathers and sported a whip
when I asked her the price
she said, 'it'll it be nice
for a thrashing and well worth a tip.'

Why do you swing on that limb Eric?
I think you're being rather dim Derek
This poem's quite slack
When the poet's called Jack
But I think it might be a limerick

There's one thing for which I give thanks
That my name is Armitage Shanks
When you go for piss
Just try not to miss
And I'll laugh all the way to the banks

(Armitage Shanks makes most British loos)

I once met a Martian called Jock
And boy could that odd fellow talk
It was all quite absurd
Understood not a word
So I told him to go for walk

I'll admit to the size of my nose
MY proboscis in reach of my toes
But I'll have to admit
That I might have a fit
If I find that the bloody thing grows!

I once met a girl from Morroco
Impressed by the size of my 'sock'. Oh,
spare me your blushes
I'm getting hot flushes
I'll pretend that I'm licking a Choco.

I love to take holidays in Spain
but the spaniels can be such a pain
I just lie on the beach
my plonk within reach
and the rain damn well fell on the plain

Between dawn and dusk lies the day
But night's when I like making hay
I'm always in hope
Of having a grope
Or considerably more, I must say

My wife's run away
not much more i can say
I'll just raise a cheer
crack open the beer
Invite in my mistress to stay

I thought I would give him a fright
And leave him alone for one night
He'll come crawling back
And plead to change tack
When he reckons the size of his plight

At this point I'm lying in the tub
With this limerick approaching the nub
When my damn tablet fell
To a watery ..splash
bubble .. bubble .. bubble ...

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is killer! I love limericks, but you've taken them to the moon & back! I'm admiring how you balance the simplicity needed to convey a bitesize message per stanza, but still infused with your deliciously complicated way of imagining things. These are some of the best limericks I've ever read. Your explanatory parenthetical is perfectly added for clarity. Hope your holiday season is starting off with good health & lots of love (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[alanwgraham]

There's a girl from california, my muse
that I'm trying hard not to confuse
with a dastardly rhyme
that sounds rather fine
after far too much time on the booze

Thanks Margie, the only thing I can say is you're easily pleased! The only problem is that I can't go for a pee now without saying the limerick!
Hope all is well and very pleased Donald has had his 'gas put on a peep' or 'his coat's now on a shoogly peg.' You might guess these Scots sayings in the context.
All the best,
Alan

[barleygirl]

It'll be good to drown the leech in investigations, starting January when liberals are in control, but I can't wait for the public to see the Mueller report which should drop in coming months & maybe we won't even need to investigate his "minor" transgressions when we find out what's REALLY behind his subservience to dictators! *wink! wink!*

[Neville]

Tell Eric to take care.. a tip off can have some painful consequences I hear.... well worth it.. the read I mean... N

[Ana Papaya]

I like what you did there with the title.
Very clever. Fun little poem. (I think)