INTO THE DARKNESS!

A satire on Brexit and related political perils

INTO THE DARKNESS!

At this moment of time are we poised between nearly three generations of European peace and only God knows what fractious and uncertain future. Our green and pleasant land dins to the dissensions and animosities of our ‘Disunited Kingdom.’  Big Ben ticks inexorably towards our bloody exit.

In spite, or perhaps because, of this, our group of hill runners (note: not fell runners - this is Scotland!) meet as usual on a Tuesday night at around 6.30pm.  This week we are running from the car park situated midway between the two peaks of Lesser Cockup and Greater Cockup. It takes a lot to stop us running - even last years ‘beast from the east’ (the EU?) failed miserably. Tonight it is mid-February, it’s pitch black and the hills are blanketed in thick mist. Gale force winds batter the hills from the south west.

By 6.45 there are thirteen of us shivering in the darkness and itching to be off.

‘Who’s leading tonight?’ I ask. We have a designated leader but in name only.

‘It’s your turn, Jeremy!’ Boris suggested. There was an audible groan. We had dithered with Jerry too often but Jeremy accepted the mantle of leadership with a wry and reluctant smile.

‘Is it Lesser or Greater Cockup tonight Jerry?’ Greasy Mogg gloated.

‘We’ll go for a double cockup tonight chaps! Is that OK, ladies?’

‘Which way, Jerry?  Left or right? Theresa smirked.

‘Just follow me!’ Jerry disappeared off into the gloom and there was a cheer. As usual Jeremy disappeared and no-one followed. A few minutes later he reappeared looking sheepish with the rest of us doubled over in laughter. 

‘I lead, you follow, what’s so hard to understand about that?’ He asked.

‘The - ‘I lead’ - bit, Jerry.’

‘What about voting on it chaps?’ Cameron suggested.

‘Nice one Cammie.’ Greasy chortled.  ‘Who’s for lesser Cockup?  Five.  Greater Cockup?  Eight.  Right lads, it’s the big Cockup for us tonight.’

‘Oi! Amber bawled. ‘I thought we were doing the double tonight!’

‘Nobody else but us is capable of making a cockup out of a c**k up!’ Theresa wailed.’

At last a decision had been made. ‘Which Cockup first?’ Gordie queried. ‘Bloody hell - not another bloody vote. I’m off!’ and promptly disappeared into the darkness in the general direction of Greater Cockup. Like lambs to the slaughter we followed but within a few hundred yards we were strung out along the track. 

All went well until the path split.

‘We’ll go over the gate and cross the ‘Bog of Despair' - it’s a good short cut.’ At Theresa’s suggestion the others groaned.  ‘It’ll be fine chaps - I’ll lead, you just follow.’ Greasy Mogg rolled his eyes!  Five minutes later they had lost the path and there was no sign of the tail-enders.

‘F*** this, Theresa, you’re leading us up sh** creek, I’m heading back.’ Boris had suddenly lost the plot.

 ‘Well if Boris is revolting, I’m revolting too!’ Govie shouted.

 ‘Good riddance.’ Chipped in Amber. ‘I’m ruddy well pissed off with you lot anyway.’

Theresa and her small gang of hangers-on stood for a few minutes watching Boris’s blond thatch disappearing into the gloom and then a cacophony of screams echoed eerily as the refusniks crossed the fence. 

‘Watch out for the electric fence Boris!’ Teresa shouted belatedly with her face a rictus of delight. ‘You just follow me and I’ll get you to the promised land.’ 

‘But there’s only four of us left now Theresa.’

‘Don’t worry lads, there’s only one plan that’s going to work now and it’s my plan.’

'We've heard that before Theresa!' Amber hissed venomously.

On the main path the others had stopped and gathered round Tom and Jerry.

‘Looks like we’ve lost Theresa and her merry men.’

‘I heard screams.’ Gordie said.  ‘It sounded like Govie on the fence.’ After the laughter subsided Jerry suggested that we should head into the Bog and rescue Theresa.

‘She might even vote with us next time.’ Knowing how stubborn Theresa was this was received with derision but several decided to set off with Jeremy in search.

The remaining runners sat down and discussed what to do.

‘This whole pantomime is a bloody Cockup!’  Carole laughed.

‘What else would you expect from Theresa and Jeremy?’

‘Let’s forget this whole bloody farce - we’ll head back to the car park and retreat to the pub.’ Laurie suggested.

‘Unanimous!’

Meanwhile back in the bog -

‘Spread out lads, into a line.’ Good plan, but within a short distance Willie and Tom had become mired in the bog.  They were hauled out and they set off again with Jeremy blowing his whistle.’

Now safely across the bog Theresa and her dwindling band of acolytes heard the whistle. ‘That’s Jeremy.’ Teresa laughed. ‘The buffoon thinks if he rescues us he’ll have us at his mercy. We’ll hide and listen to Jerry's travails for a bit and then press on to the top.'

Meanwhile, Jeremy and his mob had become completely bog bound and had reached the fence that cuts the bog. ‘We’re going to have to sit this out at the fence lads until first light.’ Hilary just shook his head. ‘What a joke! That’s all he does - sit on the fence!’

Theresa’s diminishing party continued towards Greater Cockup, teetering precariously along the narrow path above the cliff. Each one of them loathed each one of the others.

From the rear Amber shouted down to Theresa, ‘this is a farce Theresa, you think you're leading but we can read you like a book!’ Suddenly the ice maiden had had enough and cracked.

‘Well Amber I’d rather be dead than read!’ With these final words she threw herself off the path into the darkness with the screams of ‘no more cockups for me!’ echoing around the cliffs.

Down in the pub the ‘remainers’ were sitting enjoying their pints. ‘I think we’ve all learned something tonight.’ Gordie observed.

‘If you have a choice between a lesser cockup and greater cockup, stay at home!’ Laurie agreed wisely.

 

Reviews

[Ken Simm.]

Funny, and so so on the button. No c**k-ups for you milad. What was it Aristotle said. 'You end up with the leaders you deserve' So that means we all in the team must have stood on the Pope's corns in a past life.
I'm still smirking and wondering if others will go beyond the surface of this wonderful write or do you have to be as us.? As an aside I love the definition of our fellow countrymen as someone who feels homesick whilst they are still here.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks ken. Sadly, it is like watching one of these interminable unfunny comedy shows. By the way I've had a look at your website - you have lots of lovely things!
Regards,
Alan

[Ken Simm.]

Thanks Alan for that about my website. I've been away painting recently. But I did read another comment about us.
"I'm ambilalent about global warming. It means we Scots can sit on the top of mountains and watch the English drown.

[barleygirl]

Even as unplugged as I've been without TV for months, seeing Theresa & Boris with a blond thatch, it's hard not to read this politically! I love this! So well done & the names of the peaks are used to effect mocking hilarity down to one's running shoes. I can't line up any distinct positions on the Brexit issue, since I was not looking for that, but I can imagine there are plenty of well-crafted nuances I'm completely missing, if I know you & your meticulous tendencies! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Margie for your kind comments. I realised that the non Brits would struggle with all the references here. I must say i had great fun writing this. Each Tuesday I go hill running with a bunch of others in all weathers and times of years and it struck me that we had a lot in common with Brexit - lack of leadership etc. In fact during the winter we were led (not by me) into a bog in the dark, got lost, and i was electrocuted twice on a fence. It was fun! Dick-tatorship is what you need to get things done - like you have in America!
God help us both - at least we have the option of Scottish independance.
God help us both!
Cheers, Alan

[barleygirl]

Your comment "Dick-tatorship" is hilarious! I forgot to mention, about your posted piece, the dialogue is so snappy & authentic-sounding! Loved it!

[Norman 223]

If ever there was a "Goon Show" about our present leaders, this would have been the perfect script. Are you available???
Alan, you have captured the whole farcical situation perfectly here - and even made it more realistic than it appears in real life... Loved it
Norman

[alanwgraham]

Apologies Norman, I seemed to miss this. And thank you. It really wasn't too hard for me - our real life Tuesday hill run is not to far from our bunch of brexit clowns,
I hope you are keeping well yourself.
Alan

[midniterider]

great story,and we don`t know what it will bring

[alanwgraham]

Sorry midnightrider for missing your review and thanks. I don't think anyone knows!
Cheers,read moreSorry midnightrider for missing your review and thanks. I don't think anyone knows!
Cheers,
Alan

[midniterider]

you`re welcome

[Neville]

How utterly cool is this.. damn well wish I could write like you squire... very witty, very clever.. additionally thought provoking, funny.. timely and ragged and real as they come.... just another reason I like to bolt to my little hole overseas as oft I can... Have a bril day Alan.... Neville

[alanwgraham]

You are too kind Nigel. This was based on two horrible nights hillrunning when I was shocked twice on a fence lost on my own in the dark and mist and then all of us lost in a bog. Great fun but I remember saying to the guys this is like brexit. We are just enjoying last night in Mallorca. Where is your bolt hole?
Cheers. ALAN

[Neville]

My pleasure entirely Alan... I tend to bolt to Bulgaria as often as possible, we have a mountain retreat in the Starra Planina Mountain range.. tis beautiful..... Neville

[alanwgraham]

Sounds great. Lucky you but we can't complain.
Will Theresa jump or be pushed?
Happy brexit.
Alan

[Neville]

It is great.. there is a photo in my photos here.. I think she will be stabbed in the back and eased over the side... night night mate :)

[Onlyme]

This was wonderfully entertaining, fun and a great read Alan. I must admire I was laughing.

[alanwgraham]

hanks Dawn - I did enjoy writing this. It's too near the truth unfortunately!
All the best.
Alan

[Ian D. Mooby]

Great story and really funny. I happen to end up choosing the greater cockup whenever possible.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Ian. My own hillruns during the last few weeks and watching the pantomime on tv gave me the idea. Great cockup fails to describe it!
Cheers. Alan