KAMIKAZI NUTS

Breakfast peril! Note - if you think this is a metaphor for anything well done and visit a doctor!

KAMIKAZI NUTS

Let me introduce my self - I'm Gerry, I’m a flake, not just any old flake I’ll have you know, I’m proud to say I’m an oat flake. Along with my buddy flakes our whole existence passes in our plastic container - our muesliopolis. Take it from me, not all flakes are created equal!  Top of the flake pile are the wheaties, then there’s us the oaties and then plumbing the depths, the barleys. Take my word for it - we all know our place. The wheaties turn up their noses at us and we wouldn’t even deign to exchange the time of day with a barley flake.

Above us all in the edible hierarchy are the luxury items - the puffed and pouting sugar daddies, the fruit cases, the sultanas of swing, the exotic fruits (even a glimpse of Marilyn Mango  gives me the hots), and then there are the nuts! And take it from me there are nuts and there are nuts! Some nuts think themselves a cut above the others. There’s no doubt that the hazelnuts rule the roost in muesliopolis. Below them come the almonds and then the lowly peanuts. Of course however much the hazelnuts look down on the peanuts, they lord it over the fruit cases who in turn treat us miserable flakes with contempt.

And above us all is our supreme being, otherwise known as Donald.

Donald is nothing if not unpredictable. For most of the day we can pass the time contentedly in Muesliopolis,  happily talking to our own kind and looking down or up to the others. We are a bit like the the Indian caste system where upward or downward mobility is nigh but impossible.   When the first glimmers of morning light brighten our Tupperware on the second shelf we become fearful. Whose turn will it be today? On Fridays we can smell bacon and we know he’s having a fry up. We can relax! On Tuesday’s and Saturdays he has a hangover. We’re safe.

Now you might think that it’s the flakes at the top of the pile that have most to worry about but our survival is a complete matter of chance - Donald always gives the Tupper a big shake and we have to mix with these untouchables (the barleys!). The worst part of it is we have to watch the carnage from our shelf (only if we survive the big shake!). First, the partial drowning in milk and then the mastication massacre by Donald. The worst part is seeing the big fake grin on his face!

Our life expectancy is limited! One packet of muesli fills the Tupper and lasts Donald 10 helpings. It’s slightly more complicated than that because we flakes tend to sink to the bottom and Donald always refills the container when all the tasty stuff has gone. Theoretically there is a 1 in 35 chance of surviving one refill and last week I met an oatie that had survived 23 refills. I’m on 4 refills myself.

You have to be philosophical in this short span muesli-verse. My time will come and I know not the day. By the way - we have a cunning plan. Three of the hazelnuts are going to sacrifice themselves by throwing themselves down Donald's gullet in the hope he will choke to death.

One final request - if you the reader, happen to have a predilection for muesli please pause and think kindly of us. Just remember, there may be some kamikazi nuts plotting your demise.

 

         

 

Reviews

[Lorry]

ALAN! DOWN HERE! OI! ITS ME, LORRY THE DUSTY CRUMB!
Couldnt agree with you more mate. And if you see that sod Sid, give him a kick in the sultanas from me.
An original spin on breakfast, uniquely you. Ill never look at my strawberry crisp again 😀

[alanwgraham]

Ta Lorry. There's a whole world of nuts out there - enjoy brekker.
Cheers, alan

[barleygirl]

LAWD-A-MERCY! I thought my drugs were excellent! I had to stand on tiptoe after smoking a pipeload but I still could not begin to tickle the heights of your imagination here. I remember when I first read you, I objected to the "manic" way your storytelling rambled on. This marks the complete opposite of that. Here you've expertly harnessed your manic tendencies & shredded it onto the page (kinda like shredded wheat?) giving this a frenzied, scattered, intense feel. I love that feeling & you do it so well! I've always said being manic is many times better than a great cocaine trip. There's nothing quite like it & thus, bipolars resist being diagnosed & treated. Here you have fully integrated your manic & creative tendencies. This is a blur of nonsensical fun & soaring imagination (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[alanwgraham]

Thanks for this glowing review Margie. It takes one to know one -Haha! Seriously , it seems to be after I had a manic weekend (that way-out writing that you enjoyed so much!) about five years ago that I've had a different slant on the world. I've not been high for nearly 3 years now but this creative streak seems to have stuck. I wouldn't go back!
I see that you are going to look at my poem - I'm going to add a copy of Robert burns poem 'To a mouse' . An English translation of it is a poor creature!
Take care,
Alan

[Beccy]

A most Amusing muesli musing; and I love the thought of Muesliopolis, doubtless a lovely place to abide, though I imagine the 'pecking' order would prove to be a bone of contention. :))

Beccy.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks for looking at this Beccy. It's funny what goes through my head when I'm breakfasting but it turned out fruitful if somewhat flaky. The downside is I'm finding it hard to enjoy my breakfast now.
All the best.
Alan

[Neville]

This aint real, is it.. tell me it aint real.. tell me its just the muesleings of some some guy with a great imagination and not the secret diary of some cerial killer.....

Another unique, off the wall and captivating posts Alan told as well as any.. thanks for the breakfast chuckle my friend ....

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Neville. This started as a glimmer of an idea and I thought, don't be daft! But when I put fingers to keys the flakes and nuts fell into place. Enjoy breakfast!
Cheers.
Alan

[Neville]

you are, as always most welcome Alan twas thoroughly digested and enjoyed...

[hvysmker]

“Come on, Oat,” Creamy Wheat says, grasping me by an exposed edge. “hurry up, Chip. It’s our turn to keep watch.”

Our buddy, Mealy Oat is a little lower in the bowl, but I can find him. Straightening both arms, I take a deep snort of sugar and dive. There he is!

“Hey, Mealy,” I call. “It’s Chip Oat. Creamy wants us to join him on Sid watch.”

“H’Okay,” he replies around a mouthful of Brown sugar, “Soon’s I finish breakfast.”

[alanwgraham]

We have lift off! It's your story now Charlie. I'm thinking about another story (or two ) now. To be serious now I know that they don't like anything too long on WC and also I read my stories now and then and 5 to 10 mins is long enough. I would like to experiment with longer short stories.
Thanks for your encouragement.

[hvysmker]

Ray Bradbury once hosted a short lived tv series. The show would always start with him sitting in a very cluttered room, junk and piles of books everywhere.

He would say something like, “People are always asking where I get my ideas.” He’d smile and swing his arm, indicating the cluttered room.

Ideas are everywhere! Look at that fly watching you from across the room. What is he thinking? That you’re a God? Or is it food? Is he afraid, or getting ready to dive at your nose? Give him some anamorphic characteristics and make him a viable character in a story. I have one story about the life of a doornail. My old virtual buddy, Oscar Rat -- a member here – has over 200 stories under his name.

The longer you write, the longer your stories will be and the greater your confidence. My average story right now is 9 to 10k. Personally, I’d recommend starting with short stories instead of novels. They are much easier to correct as you gain experience.

[alanwgraham]

Thanks. I did write a novel a few years ago and enjoyed it. The short stories have taken over now.

[hvysmker]

Although I do have a few novels, mostly short ones of 50--80k, I really prefer short stories. It's just that some stories go on, and on, hard to stop writing.

[hvysmker]

I saw no errors.

reads like an outline. why not personalize the characters, form a proper plot with conflict and resolution, and write a real story?

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Charlie for your suggestion. I feel that I'm stretching the limits of credulity as it is. I think that expanding this into a longer story could prove very difficult. I'm tempted to change Sid to Donald and see what any readers react.
Cheers.
Alan

[Samuel Dickens]

Alan, you have educated me in a way that I didn't even know I needed educating. As you have omitted the lowly corn flake, I will assume it's safe to eat them without upsetting any kind of social balance thingy. Also, and as I understand, the Mayan corn deities actually don't mind if we gnaw a cob or two. About those Kamikaze nuts--I'm led to believe they don't live very long.

[alanwgraham]

Ta Sam. Funnily enough it was eating my muesli that has led to having a wee op to remove a wayward wisdom tooth. Revenge of the nuts!
Regards.
Alan

[Terpsichore]

I visited and the doc said 'keep on taking the pills; and oh, don't worry, the noise in your head is just the sound of up market Westminster crunchy nut cornflakes drowning in their own effluence.'

Witty stuff.

T

[alanwgraham]

Thanks for reading this flaky nonsense T. I did have a queasy moment when I shook the Muesli jar this morning. Looks like we might be heading for another attempted shake up of the British caste system - or maybe not!
Happy election!
Alan

[Terpsichore]

I've already signed up to the Monster Raving Loony Party. :)

[Chris Shaw]

Ha ha Alan. I will never ever again be able to eat a bowl of muesli without thinking of the damage I am about to do or whether those nuts are out to get me. This is so original in its thinking, entertaining and a delight to read. I mean come on. How many times do people think about muesli survival rates? Well done my friend. A treat to read.

Chris

[alanwgraham]

Thanks Chris. I did have a queasy feeling having my muesli this morning. It's quite reassuring that someone else gets this nonsense!
All the best.
Alan

[Chris Shaw]

That's poets and writers for ya. A different breed :)