The Arrival

This is a Sci-Fi short story about the arrival of the Humans to the planet Nirvana based in my own Sci-Fi Universe dubbed 'Sin Dios".

June 3^rd, 4119 AD

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(Nirvana)

 

I clearly remember the day The Humans had found Nirvana.

I was departing a physical training facility when I noticed a disturbing vibe from a frantic group of people in the village square. Everyone was scrambling around, shouting and pointing towards the sky. As I looked up, I could not believe what I was seeing. A massive metallic vessel the size of a moon with massive weapons and satellites along the bottom surface was blocking out the sun.

I knew instinctively that it had come from Earth. My mind was struck with awe at the sight of this incredibly stable yet massive fixture hanging above me. What a marvel of technological advancement this machine was. Our people had always heard stories of what great mechanics and engineers our ancestors on Earth were but have never seen any examples to fully understand the depth of their ability. Granted, it has been over 2000 traditional years since the Vaticans brought us here from Earth.

The Human ship occupied the sky above our city for 6 long days, blocking out the light of our sun and the sparkle of our stars. Our Grand-master Vega meditated each night to transfer his sentiments and discoveries about the Human visitors to our people. And each night after evening nutrition, our people would meditate. Through transcendental meditation we could hear, see and feel what Grand-master Vegas shared. We got to communally experience the excitement as two long lost civilizations greeted hands for the first time in over two-thousand years. After generations and generations of stories and tales about the events that led to our separation and all the burning desires to know what happened.

The Grand-master enlightened us about The Humans journeys and struggles to find us. Their desperate desire to locate us and ensure that we were not harmed by The Vaticans.  Although, The Humans were surprisingly displeased when they learned that we had not seen or heard from the strange alien race since they abducted our ancestors from Earth and abandoned them on this planet two-thousand years ago.

Grand-master Vega shared stories of the original humans on Nirvana and the struggles they endured. The woes of survival and reproduction on a new planet, but also, Vega’s shared with them the magnitude of biological feats our people had accomplished. He told of how our Ancestors expanded their intellect through discovery and meditation allowing them to manipulate physical attributes and leading to a rapid evolution of our people on Nirvana.    

     

The humans marveled in the curious differences in our species that such a short time had created. Although they did not have much to say about the people of Earth or how things had changed since ‘The Event’. Then one night the communication became cloudy. I tried my hardest to remain focused in my meditation but something was wrong. All I could feel was a sense of uneasiness from Grand-master Vega and then it was something darker… something I have never felt during meditation before… Fear.

Eager for more I continued my focus trying to upturn any quiet messages. Then suddenly a voice came through the darkness, no vision or emotion, just a voice clear as the sunny sky.

“My beautiful people, today I have begun to unravel a hidden agenda in the Humans arrival. I fear that I don’t quite understand it clearly but intend to search deeply for the answers…” He paused for a moment as if contemplating if he should disclose any more before he continued on. “Only one thing is certain; The Humans are not to be trusted. I sense an uneasiness and complex misunderstanding of purpose in their spirit that is not found in the people of Nirvana… the ‘Sin Dios’ as they call us. I foresee their departure from our skies during tomorrow’s sun… but they will be back, and we will be prepared for war.”

Author's Note

This is my 3rd attempt to write short stories in my science fiction universe. Please check them out and give me any feedback about my writing or imaginative ideas. Please and thank you! (Edited it slightly, going to re-write it soon)

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

mmm, I thought about this for a while, something is off. It isn't a blaring issue, which is why I had to think about it; so don't lose heart thinking that I am hating on you as a writer, because that is not the case. After reading it a few times, I am thinking it has to do with the perspective of the piece. It is too detached from the reader, which is especially problematic because it is first-person. First-person is generally a good thing to avoid, because it tends to get pretentious and contrived, as well as that it can alienate readers. I recommend, trying to rewrite it from a different perspective, and to better elaborate on the story. As this is right now, it seems like a rushed journal entry (and while I am aware that this does take a journal entry format, it doesn't feel natural for a journal entry) or a book summary. As a story, it lacks development. So don't be afraid to expand the story, SHOW the story, don't just tell a summary of it. Good Luck!

[AndyLazer]

Thank you!!!! This was my first attempt at first person and it was very hard as you said haha. I am trying to practice with multiple perspectives to see how I would prefer to write my series. I do agree that this is much more of a summary then a story at this time. I am currently trying to develop a world in my head to expand on in novels in the future. I am going to take your criticism and feedback and give this writing a revamp. Thank you so much for your honest, professional review :) This is all about learning for me right now.

[Nusquam Esse]

Just keep writing, it is all about experience. The more you write (especially if you approach it constructively) the better you will get. As long as you have good ideas and dedication, hard work and persistence will carry you through. And yeah... I have done a few works in first-person in a variety of styles as well. It is too easy to tell what happens rather than show it, which while not a concrete rule of writing, is a good guideline to keep in mind. It is not that first-person cannot be done, but that it takes more skill to pull off, and depending on the format and style, the benefits are often not worth it. I do recommend to read a variety of different styles of fiction to get an idea of how you want to proceed, of course, since you are new to writing, it will take work to be able to do what a seasoned writer can do.

[AndyLazer]

Dedication is the name of my game right now. I feel like I am crawling with ideas and creativity (as I am sure many writers are) but that isn't going to get me anywhere without practice. Thanks again for your motivation and support!

[dragonslayer47]

I find it the opposite, find it so hard to write in the 3rd person

[AndyLazer]

I think I am going to keep writing some more in 3rd person, and then come back to this story after more practice and give it another go in first person. But do as you recommended and stop telling, but show. Along with finding ways to attach the reader more. Really excited to give it another shot, but I just have too many other things I want to write about first :)

[Julia]

first person is a good option for emotions, and alot of people need to use it. First person is some of the best books. Like divergent series and hunger games

[dragonslayer47]

I could never get attached to the divergent series but I could the hunger games. I guess I find the Hunger Games more believeable universe wise.

[Nusquam Esse]

Since first person is used for emotions, it is something that you really need to know and understand. That is what I meant when I said that it is easy to write it wrong, pretentious and contrived. Because you have to really know the character, and you need to write it realistically. If you try to write a character in a violent situation, but you have lived in a bubble your whole life, then your portrayal is more than likely going to be forced and artificial... Likewise, you are likely to ramble around in a melodramatic way which someone of that mentality is unlikely going to do. You show more of the character, which makes it more challenging to pull off. Those popular series had many people to look over them and weed out inconsistency people whose jobs are to deal with such things. I'd bet that the original drafts was riddled with problems which usually arise with writing in first-person.

[J Todd Underhill]

Love, Love, Love your work, great story here!

[AndyLazer]

Thanks for reading!

[Gracious]

I totally thought that this was imaginative and creative. Well done! I think that in the middle bit there were a few lines that sounded a tiny bit repetitive but other than that, this was awesome!

[AndyLazer]

Thank you so much for reading and for your feedback. I wrote this in about 3 hours yesterday and was totally scatter brained so I am not surprised there is some repetition in there. I will give it a look over in the next few days. Thanks for your help!!!

[Gracious]

no problem! you're a great writer