21. Regret

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

21.   REGRET

 

     “IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON.” I MUMBLED TO MYSELF.

     Three months ago, the doctors confirmed that the body was truly Adam’s. I lost my hope and spirit back then. Before, I already manage living without him for two years. But back then, he was alive.

     The week the doctor confirmed Adam’s death, I never mourned. I didn’t even speak much. I was the opposite of Ashley. I postponed a lot of concerts and I just stayed in my room, stupidly wishing that everything that happens around me was just a nightmare; a nightmare that I know that I can never wake up from.

     Before, I told myself that I would never lose hope that he’s still alive, for me, it was like the accident was just yesterday, fresh from my mind. And I know that that accident would never be erased from my memory.

     I won’t be surprise if I wake up and all of the sudden, Shane’s not mine anymore. Shane. He’s the best guy you could ever have. I know that I was stupid in the past few weeks, but he never left my side.

 

 

♦188♦

Except now. But there’s nothing wrong about today. He said that he just wants to give me some space. But if I can read his mind, I know that he’s getting tired of me. How could I tell that? Simply because now, I’m just sitting here in front of Adam’s grave, muttering to myself and being naive.

     “Why am I doing this to myself?” I sighed, “You know, this is your entire fault.” I buried my face to my bare hands. “If you didn’t die, I might not even be thinking of you. Or maybe I will, but not like this.” I looked ahead as I hugged my knees tightly.

     I look at the necklace that I once gave him. I never took it off since the moment I confirmed that it’s his. The silver necklace that has the words written, forever and always with our initials, A&A; it’s undoubtedly his. I never really thought that he would keep it, but remembering our conversation in the rooftop of the hospital when I got shot twice for blocking him from Jake, I know that he would.

     “I tried to write a song, but, for the first time, I can’t...” I breathed, “Okay, I’m sorry, that, even now that you’re gone, I’m still bothering you.” I wiped my tears. “Oh yah, happy Valentine’s Day...” I pressed my lips together. “I know that if you’re here, you’ll probably say, ‘hey, what the heck are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be spending this special time with Shane?’” I tried to imitate his voice like before but I just can’t.

     “But you know what? I just can’t...” I continued. “Maybe, maybe if I just got back together with you, you won’t meet Candice. You won’t go to Korea, and you won’t... die,” I choked the last word.

      I took the letter that I gave him last year from my bag and stared at it. Everything that I wrote is just the truth. And if I just stick with it before...

 

Adam,

     I know that I hurt you on what you heard our conversation, but please listen to me. You didn’t hear everything.

 

♦189♦

Yes, I admit that I do had the plan on ending our relationship, but I never had the guts to do it. And it’s simply because I love you. You’re my whole life, and if you won’t listen to me, well, at least read this letter. If you won’t change your mind, it’s fine with me. I just want you to know that I love you, forever and always...

 

 Alyson,

 

     “I know that if you’re here, you’ll probably say that I’m out of my mind or... that I broke my promise to you.” I remembered what we talked about back in the rooftop of the hospital.

     “I’m so sorry,” I repeated. I know I shouldn’t regret anything that I chose to my life because I chose it. I chose to be with Shane, especially when I got the chance to be with him. But no regrets. After everything that happened, there will be no regrets, no regrets... no regrets.

     “No regrets,” I murmured, more to myself. I just want to say it aloud, to make sure that there’s no lie.

     “Don’t worry.” I told him, “This will be until tonight. Tomorrow, I swear, I’ll be back with my old self...” I stopped when I heard someone from behind.

     “Who’s there?” I turn around.

     No one answered. I can’t see anyone or anything. But I can sense someone; I can feel someone’s presence. “Who’s there?” I repeated but no one answered.

     I stood up and looked around. Its’ just me, the grass, Adam’s grave, and the soft breeze humming around. Now, all I can hear is crickets singing.

     I knew it. I must just be imagining things. Too much loneliness; too much alone time, I knew I would never stand it.

 

 

♦190♦

     “Goodbye, Adam.” I went toward my car.

     I swear to Adam that this thing that I’ve been doing will stop tonight.

     I took my phone from my bag. It’s been a long time seen I touch this thing, since I saw this thing. Ever since the accident, I’d stayed in Shane’s house and my parents understand that. I’ve been isolated from everyone else except for the Cyrus family.

     I dialled Valerie’s number, since I haven’t talk to her for a while. But the truth is, I haven’t talk to anyone for a while. “Hello?” I murmured. I hope I’m not disturbing her or anything.

     “Hey, who’s this?” Valerie asked.

     “it’s Alyson,” I manage to say a little louder.

     “Oh hey! It’s been a long time since you’ve called!” she said in a high pitch tone.

     “Um, are you free tonight?”

     “Um... sure, why?”

     “I just want to hangout... you know, like old times.”

     “Sure. Um, do you mind if someone comes with us?”

     “No, of course not. You could bring anyone,”

     “Great,”

     “And you can decide on where we’ll go,”

     “Alright,”

     “Thanks. Bye.”

      “Bye.”

     I shut my phone and pressed my lips together. I headed to the spices, since I know that Valerie’s shift wouldn’t be over until six pm.

 

 

     I waited quietly, sitting on our usual table, to see that there are a lot of people�"mostly couples�"eating. I asked TJ and the others to come with us, but they have plans on their own. They asked me on why Shane and I aren’t going out tonight, and I just said that he’s kinda busy. They didn’t ask anything after that, but I’m guessing that they’re thinking that Shane and I broke up.

 

 

♦191♦

     Shane didn’t call me or anything, but I just hope he’s not mad of me. I know that I haven’t done my part as his girlfriend, but I know that he understands. If I can just set him free, since I know that I’ve been making his life miserable since the day his brother died. But I don’t want to hurt him, I already did a lot of mistakes, and I don’t want to add it. Besides, I promised Adam that I won’t hurt Shane.

     I called him while waiting for Valerie, leaving a voicemail that says, “Hey Shane, I thought I just call. Um, Happy Valentine’s Day. Love you,” that’s the only words that came out of me.

 

 

     Valerie came out with Martin. I should’ve known that they have plans too, of course. I told them that I was sorry for coming, and that if they have plans together, or if they wanted to be alone, it’s fine with me but they just said that it’s fine and that I’m their friend and its fine to come.

     Great, not only did I make Shane miserable, now I made Valerie and Martin as well. Either they show it or not, I know that they’re only force to let me come. I guess I should’ve just stayed home, but I know that if I back out now, I’ll upset Valerie.

     I let Martin drive my car, since I don’t really know on where they’re planning to go. Somehow, I just wish it’s not one of those restaurants where all of the lovebirds are, I know that it would be a lot awkward to having dinner with me and we’re the only threesome in the place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

♦192♦