Marc is in the last year of college, and visits his little sister who is in the care of a family friend. He visits her on Spring Break, but their time has come to an end...
Previous Version
This is a previous version of The Promise.
"Do
you have to go?" as a high pitch Minnie mouse voice is heard over the
sound of a car speeding by with no care to avoid the collection of small puddles from
the early morning rain. Marc turns around to meet Elise's gaze of her once
serene hazel eyes now full of the possibility of abandonment. Watching his
sister standing in her bright yellow rain boots he bought for her on her last month
birthday. He remembers trying to convince her to buy a nice yellow dress, but
she insisted on having those boots just as she is trying to convince him not to
go.
"Eli,
I will be back as always. I promise," he smiles sweetly at his little five-year-old
sister who was growing up so fast. He never knew leaving would be so hard this
time around; however, he had to go. Spring term would be starting tomorrow, and
then it would be all over.
“And
then…we can to go see the fireworks this summer…right?” she manages to ask through her
tears as her forehead crinkles up at her own question waiting for her older brother's response. Marc looks at the cab
driver who taps the meter, then realizes he better make this short and sweet.
He sets his leather bag on the damp cement sidewalk and squats down to her eye
level as his black raincoat meets the ground.
“Eli,
I promise we will go see the fireworks after having all the watermelon we want
when I get back, but until then you have to be a big girl. You have to obey
everything Ms. Reynolds tell you to do, pinkie promise?” holding out his pinkie
finger Elise stares into his light brown eyes searching for truth to his word. After
wiping the tears from her tiny cheeks, she sticks out her pinkie finger and
grabs a hold of his.
“I
promise!” Marc smiles as he rose to his feet with Elise’s soft eyes and tear
stained face staring directly at him watching every move he makes. He picks up
his bag and proceeds to enter into the bright yellow cab that matches her boots
perfectly. Marc sighs as he gave the driver instructions then looks out the
window smiling and waving to her. She smiles and waves back like she always
does for the last few months now watching the cab drive off to the end of the
road.
“Elise,
come eat your breakfast before it cools,” Ms. Reynolds’ calls out standing at
the wooden white screen door as she wipes her hands on her floured-stained,
blue apron, but the little brown haired girl ignores her and waits until she
could no longer see the cab. As she walks toward the front porch wanting to cry, she recalls her new promise with Marc.
“Ms.
Reynolds! I am going to become a big girl before Marc comes back!” the adamant
Elise shouts as she pushes her hair back, and begins marching in her sunshine
yellow boots splashing in the puddles with her back straight and head held
high. Ms. Reynolds could do nothing, but laugh at the enthusiastic little girl
and at the same time proud of her this time around. Elise steps up the large
light blue steps, As the screen door opens with a belated yet familiar squeak
as always, Ms. Reynolds chuckles even more by her determination.
“Big
girls clean their rooms, so you can start there after breakfast”
Hi, Amaya. I read this story and liked it. It is a touching story.
Just as you pointed out the missing quote mark in my story, I find it necessary to point out a few things in your's, if you don't mind.
In the first paragraph, there is a long sentence fragment, an incomplete sentence. It is:
Watching his little sister standing in her bright yellow rain boots he had bought for her birthday last month.
Also in that part, there is an unnecessary word: "had". You don't need it.
As pointed out by Post Pen's review, you have some very long run-on sentences. Some of the sentences are TOO long. For instance:
“Elise, come eat your breakfast before it cools,” Ms. Reynolds’ calls out standing at the wooden white screen door as she wipes her hands on her floured-stained, blue apron, but the little brown haired girl ignores her waiting until she could no longer see the cab.
The apostrophe after the Ms. name should not be there. Is it of any importance to the story that the screen door is made of wood and white? No, not really. Punctuation is vitally important, and missing or incorrect punctuation can confuse the reader. For instance:
brown haired girl ignores her waiting
Ignores WHOSE waiting? Is someone waiting? By putting a comma after "girl", you clear it all up by writing "brown-haired girl ignores her, waiting until she could no longer see the cab." Now you are telling us the girl ignores the woman, because she is waiting. You see?
“And then…we can to go see the fireworks this summer…right?” she manages to ask through her tears as her forehead crinkles up at her own question waiting for her older brother's response.
The use of dots to show hesitation or an abrupt stop is incorrect. Dots are used to show some text has been taken from some other source, but not the complete text, only an excerpt of it, and the dots are called an ellipsis and are formatted "dot space dot space dot" like this:
". . .the space capsule was damaged. . ."
To show hesitation or an abrupt stop, you must use the "em" dash, which can be made by holding down the ALT key, hitting 0151, then releasing the ALT key, like this: "You—you—killed her?"
Additionally, that whole sentence above is much too wordy. It can be improved like this, for instance:
“And then—we can to go see the fireworks this summer—right?” she asks through tears, her brow wrinkled.
You've made your point, but are not much too wordy about it.
and grabs a hold of his.
I suggest deleting the "a" in that part above.
She smiles and waves back just as she always has during the last few months.
Compare my modification to that sentence to the one you wrote. You don't need all that follows it.
She begins marching in her sunshine yellow boots, splashing in the puddles along the way with her back straight and head held high.
There needs to be a comma after "boots", as I've indicated above. What follows "boots" is a modifier. It is modifying/describing the little girl's marching, so you need to set it off with a comma.
As the screen door opens with a belated yet familiar squeak as always, Ms. Reynolds chuckles even more by her new sense of determination.
I don't understand "belated". And WHOSE determination? Ms. Reynold's or the girl's? Rewrite below:
As Ms. Reynolds opens the squeaky screen door, she laughs again at the little girl's new sense of determination.
Lastly, it should be written: Yes, ma'am. It is like writing "Yes, sir", "Yes, Johnathon" and so on.
Overall, again it is a good story, but much too wordy, sentences too long, and the missing punctuation tends to make it confusing.
You just need to work on the mechanics, a bit.
I hope you find this review to be helpful. It is meant to be constructive.
Thanks for the thorough review. This is a very rough little story. I haven't had the chance to re-wr.. read moreThanks for the thorough review. This is a very rough little story. I haven't had the chance to re-write it. I've learned a lot, and I'm very proud to say my writing has improved. I'll have to go back and fix everything. Just have been focused on Destiny of an Azurine, another book of mine.
I wrote this on a whim and never gave it the attention it needs since. I'll fix it soon. Thanks for taking your time to review this story.
Hi, Amaya. I read this story and liked it. It is a touching story.
Just as you pointed out the missing quote mark in my story, I find it necessary to point out a few things in your's, if you don't mind.
In the first paragraph, there is a long sentence fragment, an incomplete sentence. It is:
Watching his little sister standing in her bright yellow rain boots he had bought for her birthday last month.
Also in that part, there is an unnecessary word: "had". You don't need it.
As pointed out by Post Pen's review, you have some very long run-on sentences. Some of the sentences are TOO long. For instance:
“Elise, come eat your breakfast before it cools,” Ms. Reynolds’ calls out standing at the wooden white screen door as she wipes her hands on her floured-stained, blue apron, but the little brown haired girl ignores her waiting until she could no longer see the cab.
The apostrophe after the Ms. name should not be there. Is it of any importance to the story that the screen door is made of wood and white? No, not really. Punctuation is vitally important, and missing or incorrect punctuation can confuse the reader. For instance:
brown haired girl ignores her waiting
Ignores WHOSE waiting? Is someone waiting? By putting a comma after "girl", you clear it all up by writing "brown-haired girl ignores her, waiting until she could no longer see the cab." Now you are telling us the girl ignores the woman, because she is waiting. You see?
“And then…we can to go see the fireworks this summer…right?” she manages to ask through her tears as her forehead crinkles up at her own question waiting for her older brother's response.
The use of dots to show hesitation or an abrupt stop is incorrect. Dots are used to show some text has been taken from some other source, but not the complete text, only an excerpt of it, and the dots are called an ellipsis and are formatted "dot space dot space dot" like this:
". . .the space capsule was damaged. . ."
To show hesitation or an abrupt stop, you must use the "em" dash, which can be made by holding down the ALT key, hitting 0151, then releasing the ALT key, like this: "You—you—killed her?"
Additionally, that whole sentence above is much too wordy. It can be improved like this, for instance:
“And then—we can to go see the fireworks this summer—right?” she asks through tears, her brow wrinkled.
You've made your point, but are not much too wordy about it.
and grabs a hold of his.
I suggest deleting the "a" in that part above.
She smiles and waves back just as she always has during the last few months.
Compare my modification to that sentence to the one you wrote. You don't need all that follows it.
She begins marching in her sunshine yellow boots, splashing in the puddles along the way with her back straight and head held high.
There needs to be a comma after "boots", as I've indicated above. What follows "boots" is a modifier. It is modifying/describing the little girl's marching, so you need to set it off with a comma.
As the screen door opens with a belated yet familiar squeak as always, Ms. Reynolds chuckles even more by her new sense of determination.
I don't understand "belated". And WHOSE determination? Ms. Reynold's or the girl's? Rewrite below:
As Ms. Reynolds opens the squeaky screen door, she laughs again at the little girl's new sense of determination.
Lastly, it should be written: Yes, ma'am. It is like writing "Yes, sir", "Yes, Johnathon" and so on.
Overall, again it is a good story, but much too wordy, sentences too long, and the missing punctuation tends to make it confusing.
You just need to work on the mechanics, a bit.
I hope you find this review to be helpful. It is meant to be constructive.
Thanks for the thorough review. This is a very rough little story. I haven't had the chance to re-wr.. read moreThanks for the thorough review. This is a very rough little story. I haven't had the chance to re-write it. I've learned a lot, and I'm very proud to say my writing has improved. I'll have to go back and fix everything. Just have been focused on Destiny of an Azurine, another book of mine.
I wrote this on a whim and never gave it the attention it needs since. I'll fix it soon. Thanks for taking your time to review this story.
"Do you have to go?" as a high pitch Minnie mouse voice is heard over the sound of a car speeding by with no care to avoid the collection of small puddles from the early morning rain. (Run on sentence - thre ideas or 4) Marc turns around to meet Elise's gaze of her once serene hazel eyes now full of the possibility of abandonment. (I don't believe eyes can convey that.) Watching his little sister standing in her bright yellow rain boots he had bought for her birthday last month. He remembers trying to convince her to buy a nice yellow dress that day. But, she insisted on having those boots just as she is trying to convince him not to go.
*** My re-write
Try to convey one idea in each sentence. Decide what that thought is and be concise.
"Do you have to go?" a high pitch Minnie mouse voice asked. Marc heard his sister over a speeding car as they stood on the curb. The car made no attempt to avoid the puddles left by an early morning rain. (Did they get splashed?)
Marc turns around to meet Elise's gaze. Her hazel eyes sparkeled with tears. She was standing there in her bright yellow rain boots he got for her birthday last month. Oh, how he had tryed to convince her to buy a matching yellow dress that same day but she would have none of it. She was as stubborn then as she was now, trying to keep her brother from leaving.
Sorry it took me so long to read this, I haven't checked this account in FOREVER. But it was so sweet. I could see and feel everything. The description was amazing, the emotion was perfect..I really enjoyed it. :)
Thanks! I am flattered. I see the mistakes as well, but I have been working on Destiny of an Azurine.. read moreThanks! I am flattered. I see the mistakes as well, but I have been working on Destiny of an Azurine. I haven't been able to edit them.
Wow. It feels like I am reading history. I can picture little Elise stamping her foot and deciding she will be a big girl. I remember when my little girl said something similar.
Keep it up, I see potential in you. ( Yeah that from a crappy writer like me means almost nothing huh? :) )
Thanks for reading! I have no children of my own. However, I use to baby sit a lot in my teen years... read moreThanks for reading! I have no children of my own. However, I use to baby sit a lot in my teen years. I can remember little girls always telling me they want to grow up or I am a "big" girl. They were all under the age of five usually.
I'm glad you love the story. We can use room for improvement.
you have a nice story going but you could use a couple tweeks i'm going to go through the first paragraph to give you an idea of what to look for:
third sentance you said, "he bought for her, one for her birthday." the wording in this can confuse the reader and make them not want to read, try something like this instead, " the yellow rainboots he had bought for her on one of her birthdays"
it flows better and gives the reader an idea of the relationship between brother and sister.
thats really the only thing thats only in the first paragraph that i see, but like i said you have a great story line going!!:)
Thanks for pointing that out. Yes, it is a typo. I read this a few times and still didn't catch it. .. read moreThanks for pointing that out. Yes, it is a typo. I read this a few times and still didn't catch it. lol
11 Years Ago
yeah, i do that to, sometimes it just takes another eye to catch it:)
I like the sentiment!
I would suggest a few things, if you're interested:
1) You seem to switch tense a lot, which is a bit confusing. I'm fine with either past or present, but maybe you should just choose one
2) You have awesome description, but a lot of it is packed into one sentence. Try breaking up a few of the longer sentences into one or two shorter ones. This gives the reader a chance to appreciate each detail.
3) Good dialogue! It might even be worth adding more- between Marc and Elise, between Elise and Ms. Reynolds... I'm even curious what the relationship is like between Marc and Ms. Reynolds
4) This is a style issue, but I'd add some more history. I love hearing about the fireworks, about Marc's past visits, but I wonder why Elise lives with a family friend? Why they're so far apart in age? How important is Elise to Marc? What is Marc's life like away from his sister? Are there others?
It's a good story, really! I look forward to reading more. ( I also love the name Eli...)
This is quite good. It's funny how much can come out of a simple sentence and a blank piece of paper sometimes. The one thing i noticed was that the description in the past few paragraphs are a little mismatched, for example, you say "hands on her floured stained pale blue apron" which is probably just a typo for either flowered, stained blue apron or flour-stained blue apron. Not a big deal just something I figured worth mentioning. Again good job on the story!
Thanks for catching that! Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it!
10 Years Ago
This is really lovely! I found myself sighing at the cuteness of Elise, she is really the typical he.. read moreThis is really lovely! I found myself sighing at the cuteness of Elise, she is really the typical headstrong young girl! I thoroughly enjoyed this story :)!
An aspiring writer who spend her Friday nights with headphones and MS Word.
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