Consuming Love

How can I love in moderation if I'm to love with my whole being? Isn't love letting this consume me?

You asked me, “Do you believe in love?”

I told you “no, it doesn’t exist” that love was just another pretty lie

To which, the corners of your mouth turned up as you promised me this;

One: that love was real and

Two: you would be the one to change my mind

So you gave me a world that I had never seen;

a world full of beautiful skies and meaningful sights

a world where colors melted together perfectly and the wind created music

A world I wanted to soak in forever

You said to me that what I felt was love

You said that love is so beautiful and pure,

told me that love is priceless and the only thing worth fighting for

You told me that love is a “forever” “no matter what” feeling

I believed you

I believed every word

So when you told me you loved me, I felt my my heart catch fire

When you placed your lips on mine, I felt that fire consume my world

That fire should have burnt my body to a black crisp

but remained a warm glow beneath my skin

I try to tell myself now that we were just a couple of dumb kids

two teenagers that thought a few laughs might mean forever

that it was mostly just lust, infatuation at best

I say what we felt was nothing special

No matter how many times I roll the thoughts off my tongue

I can never swallow them back down and digest them

I let them spill out and fight a war against each word

Because those thoughts go against everything you ever taught me to believe in

How can I move on when you told me love means never giving up?

How can I say our love wasn’t special when you told me that it was a treasure?

How can I write it off as infatuation when you begged me to believe our feelings were deeper?

You no longer believe in our world of love, but it was you who created it

I am in agony, battling myself for what’s best or what to believe in

Telling myself that letting you go will mean that I love you

waiting forever will mean that I love you

letting this kill me will mean that I love you

Your lips have spun two stories and infected me like poison ivy

Your lips that said, “I love you,” “forever,” “we’re meant to be”

Your lips that said “I hate you,” “it’s over,” “you’re just another girl that I regret”

That poison ivy spreads across my skin and so I claw until I have ripped myself to pieces

I’ve torn off every layer, leaving nothing to me but blood and bones

And I tell myself this is love

because you told me it was love

you made me believe it was love

Just as I press those razors to my skin, cutting and carving into myself

I say, look! I have scars to prove my devotion to you

because I am devoted to you

no one else can be this devoted to you

How could I not be so devoted to the light of my life?

How could I not be willing to give up everything, my last breath too?

You were my God I would have gladly worshipped

If you asked me to kneel, I would have knelt ‘till my knees were bloody

My counselor says I confuse pain with pleasure and love with obsession

Says I can’t place you on a pedestal, that I can’t appoint you my savior

But I tell her those go hand in hand, one doesn’t exist without the other

I can’t know how good your love feels if I don’t let it destroy me

I can’t love in moderation if I’m to love you with my whole being

You told me that love is with your whole being

I might be crazy, and I have too many problems to name

I never asked for a personality disordered brain

I know I’m bad for being this way, but I don’t know how else to be

Your mother was right about me; I’m just too much and you deserve better

when someone better comes your way, you tell ‘em say your ex was a basket case

And I understand why

But you were the one who taught me to believe in love, my dear

you didn’t tell me to not let it consume me

So I loved and I loved and I loved

I let love swallow me whole and bite down through my ribs

I let love drain my heart dry and let the blood pour

You were the one who taught me how to love, my dear

You just never taught me how to stop

I still don’t know how to stop

Author's Note

Falling in love when you have BPD is hell to say the least. This is more of a work in progress, but I'm always interested in any criticisms or reviews so c: