The roses of past love

Kara reflects on love and judgment

Looking back on the last 15 years or so, Kara now feels one of the main things she has had to overcome is judgment.  When you live in an abusive relationship, it's all about judgment -- how people see your marriage from the outside, and how the abuser judges you. People whisper and wonder why you stay. Well meaning friends may try to get you to leave, or help you to stay. One counsellor decides your marriage isn't so bad because you are still having sex, and tries to get you to work with the abuser. The next counsellor concludes there is no hope.

 

No one asks you what you want, what you need. Somehow, being happy in a relationship must be selfish. It's all about judgment. Who's right, who's wrong, how "easy" it will be to split from the abuser and have a court decide your fate. It's not easy, not quick, nor painless, yet it feels like everyone thinks it is.

 

When it finally happens there are those who say it's too easy, and people should "work out their problems". But problems can only be worked out if both parties are willing and able, and that, is rarely the case. Kara knows of  some with marriages worse than hers, and some with better, but ultimately, none of them could be saved. Which begs the question, should they have been saved? Why? To what end?

 

From what she can see, ordinary people (of the non-celebrity variety) do not take marriage lightly, and do try. The truth is, the real number of people who would stay together is probably naturally 50 per cent or less.  This number was artificially buoyed by circumstances that were beyond the couple's control in past decades.

 

Why do we assume people are less committed, rather than being more able to break up relationships that are not successful? Why is that a bad thing? Is it a failure of society that a woman is able to own her own property and make her own money so that she is able to leave a miserable marriage? Is it a bad thing that  couples who previously might have stayed in an unhappy relationship and just turned a blind eye to infidelity for the sake of keeping the marriage together now feel they can get out of that situation and move on?

 

Looking on the past with rose coloured glasses and imagining that relationships were less disposable "back when" for romantic reasons simply isn't reality.  Of course there were few divorces when men owned women like chattel, they had no property rights, ability to earn their own money, and were not even allowed to initiate a divorce. All the power was in the hands of the man, and a woman just had to hope the man who picked her was a good one. Even if she did not love him, if he didn't beat her and he was a good provider, she was among the lucky. 

 

If you want to find true love, don't look to the past. Look to the now. When a couple stays together because they want to, In a world where choice is infinite and anything goes, and either party can walk out at any moment, now that, is real.

Author's Note

just something I wanted to say

Reviews

[aLittlePain]

This exasperates me! For what Kara went through the imbecile of a counsellor who quite frankly I want to slap some sense into. Are some people so dismissive of the of the magnitude when one arrives at the conclusion of divorce. I know that personally. Living in Canada having only given birth 3 months and discovering my husband had been cheating on me for 18months and then to add insult to injury my in laws telling me that exact same thing about still having sex with him...grrrr and then trying to shame me for not trying to work it out and bringing Curtis back to NZ. Sorry for my rant this moves me and caused a hugely emotional surge to bubble up to the surface. Incredible write, honest with so much integrity. Love ya. R xo

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you. I know you get it.:)

[Ana Papaya]

That angers me to hear someone said if can't be so bad if you're still having sex. Don't they think maybe it's because you have to? Because you get beat up if you don't? Not saying that's what "Kara" experienced but that's often why.

[Lyn Anderson]

They haven't a clue. No one can look into someone else's life and make such judgments. The whole concept that people think someone who divorces does so lightly is someone who hasn't been there. I know there must be exceptions, but I really don't think people are less loyal, less loving, less drawn to commitment -- the only thing we are less of is less willing to settle for something that isn't right or good or real -- and I refuse to believe that is a bad thing. Thank you for your thoughtful reviews and extended visit. I have done a bit of organising again and am off to sleep. Sweet dreams.:)

[Ana Papaya]

Have a good one!

[barleygirl]

I am always interested in your point of view & yet a little surprised at the peaceful accepting tone of this. The topic of your bad marriage is not an easy one to discuss without all the bad feelings surfacing, so it's a great thing to watch you have this discussion without that old bitterness being evident. I love the way you are simply laying out the lessons & impressions of your own experience, without being defensive, for whoever can relate to something here that they want to take away & ponder. I agree with your assessment that most people do try their best to make relationships work & do not take marriage lightly. There were no "good old days" when most people stayed married for life & worked everything out. Many well-stated thought-provoking points in your essay.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you. It takes a while to get to the matter of fact less than bitter stage, as you well know. The "good old days" are by and large a fantasy, I think. My niece told me something the other day about low minimum wage. I pointed out to her that it took ten hours at minimum wage to buy one pair of jeans in 1983. That same pair of jeans takes less than two hours to buy today. Yes, there are pit falls to every decade, but it is narrow thinking to believe things "used to be better". In almost every aspect, human beings have continued to progress in their abilities and thinking. We are imperfect, and have a long way to go, but that does not negate how far we have come.

[barleygirl]

Damn! That deserves a entirely separate write! I like what you did here, but there's another larger point to be made, too. It kinda negates the "Make America Great Again" slogan that we've been chafing against for the last 18 months or so. As if everything was better across the board & as if we could go back to anything anyway! Life marches on! *sigh!* (((HUGS)))

[Paul Bell]

Great words. Some people have a love hate relationship that works for both of them.
Some start with blind love, or just blinkers.
The days of the caveman provider though, all gone.
I saw the revolution 20 years ago.
I don't know how many women told me they didn't need a man.
Yet men can't function without a woman. ( Or maybe a mother. )
But i suppose these days, a relationship is just a click away.

[Lyn Anderson]

Thank you. I think the thing that drives me nuts is the unreality of believing that somehow things were better when marriage was a matter of damned if you do, damned if you don't. :)

[Paul Bell]

I suppose my parents were like that. But in later years, even she took her independence.

[Lyn Anderson]

There are some legitimately happy, working marriages, past and present. The difference is, today, it is less likely someone will stay indefinitely in an unhappy one, and I see that as progress, not a negative thing.

[Paul Bell]

I actually think now that 21st century marriages work, cos couples don't see each other for long periods of time. Keeps it fresh.

[Coyote Poetry]

I agree with your thoughts and logic.
"If you want to find true love, don't look to the past. Look to the now. When a couple stays together because they want to, In a world where choice is infinite and anything goes, and either party can walk out at any moment, now that, is real."
The above lines take hard work and two people working together. I believe some separations are difficult because of the children. People try to keep hope alive for the sake of the kids. Thank you dear friend for sharing your words and your thoughts.
Coyote

[Lyn Anderson]

That means so much, thank you. I have struggled much with the whens, the hows, the whys. I am tired of people standing up on pedestals and judging others' relationships and break-ups from a distance. There was no good old days, only different old days, when many people who would have otherwise split stayed because they HAD TO. That is not romantic, that just was.

[Coyote Poetry]

I know wasn't a romantic poem. Some people don't fit together.