�It�s like I never loved you at all�

I have not yet adjusted to this life without him. I miss him still. Incidents like these, make it worse.

I have to submit a report today, for which I needed to look up the net for some information. Lots of work and very little time.

 

Even then,  when I logged in yesterday night, I found myself clicking on the website of the place where my Ex works. Since the breakup last year, I have thought of little else so it is ‘normal’ to be curious, I thought.  What I found there, made me laugh (out of joy), made me cry (because he wasn't with me ), and yes, it made me want to die (because of the hurt it caused). I stopped myself from printing out the proof of his achievement, posted there because that would give me reason to continue to think endlessly about my discovery on that site. I knew I would hold that precious piece of paper close to my heart, where I have still preserved him and I will let it soak with my tears.

 

A little line at the end of the page told me that the page had been updated that day.

Would you call this telepathy?

How was I to know that he would be rewarded for his efforts “that particular day”?

I just happened to login and that BIG NEWS was there for all to see and read and for some to congratulate him.

 

This incident took me back in time to May of 2007 when I had cleared an important examination soon after the relationship had ended. Friends and family were happy for me but I kept wishing I had him to share the news with.

I kept telling myself things like - “He would've been proud of me” and that “my success would've made him happier than it has made me.”

But I missed his hug. He did not even get to know. Probably, he doesn' t know I have achieved that goal...and still thinks that I'm working in that direction.

When I read of his accomplishment yesterday, all of a sudden I felt helpless.

It’s like I never loved him.

I cannot share my happiness with him, he cannot celebrate with me. We’d always wished the best for each other’s careers and now when the dreams are getting fulfilled, the person who matters most isn’t there. Success feels good when you share it with the person you achieved it for.  But success of this kind hurts a little.

A lot...

Having to smile without him is many times more difficult than crying without him.

 I'd never thought we would come to this.

 Now we both have separate lives
From lovers to strangers, now alone
There's no one catching my fall
No one to hear my call
It's like I never loved you...

-  These are no longer, just lyrics of one of my favorite songs.

Now I know what they mean.

 

 I wonder ...does he know it too? 

 

Did he miss me as much yesterday? Maybe yes. Maybe more.

I will never know. So I pick up from where I had left and try to concentrate on work, wishing that he has many more reasons to celebrate in the days ahead.

Love and luck to you, dear.

Always...

 

___________________________________________________________________

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing  -  Anais Nin

 

Reviews

[Bhavya Kaushik]

This is a damn intense piece and after reading it only one word came to my mind and that is "AWESOME".
It beautifully describes the way our relationship changes. You gave a very well explanation of what a person feels after a break up.

May be its all because of fate that you clicked on that site by chance or the reason may be something else but the main point is that you still clicked that site and was curious to know about him.
And according to me that's the thing which matters most. It has been said that -
"If you really love someone, then you always wants them to be happy. Even when their happiness means that you are not a part of it"


I need to pick few lines from the piece which made me to read the piece thrice(yeah!! thrice )

"What I found there, made me laugh (out of joy), made me cry (because he wasn't with me ), and yes, it made me want to die (because of the hurt it caused)."--It hurts...it really hurts a lot, which even words can't explain, neither this darkness can hide nor this silence can make it quite.

This "hurt" is immortal which somehow deep inside your heart always gonna stay there and It would be very hard for you but you need to be strong. I know every third person must be saying the same thing to you that " be strong!! the loss is not yours", but its damn hard to fake a smile everyday of your life even after finding that you heart's actually broken inside.


well...Now I'm coming back to the piece. :)

"Success feels good when you share it with the person you achieved it for. But success of this kind hurts a little.

Having to smile without him is many times more difficult than crying without him."

These lines just wounded me and made me sad. :(

Its overall an awesome piece
The best piece describing "life after break up"
Thanks a lot for writing such a tremendous and superb piece

keep writing and keep smiling...

and..I don't know why but I'm ending my review with one of my favorite quote

"Sometimes we must be hurt in order to glow,
we must fail in order to know,
we must loose in order to gain,
Because some lessons are best learned through PAIN"


- Bhavya ! :)

[Karrar]

wow....this piece really hit the spot...ive had a break up myself so i know the feeling of it....however i wanna tell u something....the way you two loved each other and from my life experience, i have absloutely NO DOUBT that he misses you too...just the way you are missing him....its not easy to live without a person you could die for....

Anyhow..great piece...Best of luck!

[Vatsayayana]

This is beautiful.
You'll forgive me if I cannot offer insight into corrections, grammatical errors, line and word placement.
That is not my strength. My strengths are born of my own willingness to tell my tale.
To put my heart out there, to express reject, joy, love.
To keep trying to live day after day.
Writing is a story, a masterpiece of our own soul that changes from hour to hour, minute to minute.
We embellish, we lie, but we can't change what we felt in that moment, in that space of time.
We always know the truth within our own words and we let the story live, breath, through the expanse of our fingertips.
If our soul could write, what a tale it would tell. In turn, we try to do it some semblance of justice.
Exquisitely done. I've been there. Haunting the pages.
Brava!

[Quaysa]

This piece was especially touching...deeper than deep. It explored the corners of love that many would love to keep dusty and untouched. It hurt me, because I know what this feels like. It's like when a little girl makes a good drawing and shows her mom and her mom smiles. And later, she draws another hoping for yet another smile, but she looks around and her mom is nowhere to be found. It's like when a singer sings a love song and smiles flirtaciously to her love in the audience. And the next time she goes out to sing---there's an empty chair in the audience where he should be. The fulfillment you get from accomplishment is tarnished by an emptiness. And although the light shines...there's a dimming in the background because the one you want to share it with is no longer around. Sad reality. It's definitely what you captured in this piece.
Loved it very much and it reminded me of many things in my past.
~~Quaysa~~

[Aries]

This is an Awesome piece of work...so intense and honest. The pain comes alive as you read this.

I'd never thought we would come to this.
Now we both have separate lives

These words are strong and deliver quite a powerful punch!

Awesome Writing~~

[Eustacia]

This was an intense read, and I was kinda hoping this was fictional and that there would be a happy ending but nay, life is hard. We've all felt that desperate at some point I'm sure, that's what makes it scary to read, the thought that you could maybe feel like that agian one day. All that pain and tears and memories. I really hope you can move on in some small way soon. Well written.

[Kris Tate]

I love the intensity of this, It is an awesome read.

[Blindmikey]

"- These are no longer, just lyrics of one of my favorite songs.
Now I know what they mean."

I've found this in my own life, time and time again. And have found that it's the best way to find if you're growing a stronger ability to relate and to understand. Though what the narrator is going through is in fact perilous, the truth remains that it will culture and guide the narrator to a better understanding of self so that the true love can be received when it presents itself in due time.

Wonderfully honest pen.
Thank you for sharing it.

[Brenda Sue]

Very well written. Wonderfully penned. Great job.

[TamerQtaish]

Now thats much more of my type of thing to read! Totally intense!
Loved it

All the best,
Tamer Qtaish

[V. K. Harris]

I feel the intense wanting to just pick up that phone, because we only live once. I read this with emotion, I have been there for many years as well. Great write.