Chapter One, The Beginning

This summer was anything but ordinary. I never expected all of this to happen, and it all happened so suddenly. It all began as May finally came to a close.

I remember coming home from school one day at the end of the school year, worrying about the finals I would be taking a few days later, and wondering why Justin had ignored me in the hallway. All of this seemed so insignificant just five minutes later. I walked upstairs and pulled on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt to go for a run. I slid a rubber band off my wrist, pulling my hair into a high ponytail, as I went down the stairs when I saw my mom was at the kitchen table, talking to my friend’s mother, Tess. The moment I saw their faces, I knew that something had happened. I saw glassiness of Tess’ red, puffy eyes, mascara lining her tired eyes; the usually subtle wrinkles on my mother’s face were suddenly deep, her expression concerned. As they heard me reach the last stair, they looked up and went completely silent. My mother bit her lip and started walking toward me and took my hand, leading me to a stool at the island in the kitchen. I remember that Tess wouldn’t look at me, she stayed quiet as my mother carefully chose her words and she told me that Tess’ daughter, Annie, my best friend since I was four, passed away that morning.

“No!” I screamed at her, “She isn’t dead! You’re lying!” My mind started to race, I started to get dizzy.

“Hailey, sweetie… I know it’s hard but…” Tess started, her eyes welling up completely, and tears started to fall, and mascara began to streak down her cheeks.

“No!” I screamed again, and I sprinted out of the door. I didn’t look back as my mom called to me, telling me to come back.

I ran for more than an hour, and I didn’t stop for anything. My feet pounded the pavement, tears streaking down my cheeks. I felt it getting more and more difficult to breathe, my legs felt numb, my shins had sharp pains, but I wouldn’t stop. I was trying to just keep running to get farther away from everything that had just happened, but everything started to hit me, and my mind began to race again. I saw my friend Josh walking down the street, but I just kept running, speeding up hoping to God that he wouldn’t notice that I was there. I couldn’t tell him what happened. It couldn’t be real. I knew it couldn’t be true.

“Hailey!” he yelled to me, sprinting to try to catch up with me, as I just kept running, faster. “Hailey!” he kept yelling after me.

All of a sudden, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I sat down on the curb crying harder than ever, my shoulders were shaking, and I had my head on my knees and my breathing was becoming more unsteady. My legs were shaking with pain, I was covered in sweat.

“Hailey…” Josh said, out of breath, slowly sitting down at the curb next to me. I felt him looking at me, but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want it to be real. “What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

I couldn’t say anything, my words were at the tip of my tongue but I just couldn’t form the words. I just kept shaking my head. I felt like saying anything about it would make it that much more real. The denial that had kept me grounded was all of a sudden gone and I was left to deal with the pain and grief of everything that had happened. I felt his arm around me rubbing my shoulder, trying to calm me down. I heard him saying that it would be okay, but it was like he was millions of miles away, in some other world. I don’t know how long we sat there on the curb. I couldn’t think straight, my thoughts were rushing around in my head, all a blur. I didn’t want to think. All I knew was that Annie was dead. My best friend was gone. She wasn’t coming back.

Josh walked me home, holding my hand tight as we walked. He sat with my mother and me in the kitchen for hours as she told me how Annie had died because of an eating disorder. Anorexia causes complications she told me, and eventually her system just failed. She said something about her heart, but I couldn’t pay attention to a word she said. I hadn’t noticed my best friend wasting away. Where had I been while she slowly killed herself? Josh held my hand, telling me over and over that it would be alright.

Josh stayed over that night and slept  in the living room. Neither of us slept at all. For a while, I was quiet, not saying anything. After a while, I started talking. I told him how angry I was that I hadn’t noticed, that now, looking back, I saw all the signs, and saw how I could have known. How I could have helped her. He told me it wasn’t my fault. I didn't believe him.

Author's Note

please tell me about any grammar problems, enjoy!

Reviews

[cloister]

Your grammar is fine, but the writing could be tighter.

Your writing is actually pretty good. A lot better than most. The one thing I would encourage you to work on is cutting out the extraneous words that don't add to the story. Stephen King, in his book "On Writing" said something to the effect of "when you write, you're telling yourself the story, but when you're editing your job is to take out everything that is NOT the story." I think there's a lot of wisdom in that.

He means it on two levels: the big level of taking out scenes, sub-plots, side comments, et cetera which don't advance the story. But he also means it on the small level of taking a given sentence and streamlining it to bring out what you really wanted to say.

As I read this piece, I couldn't help but feel that way about a lot of your sentences: they're good, but they could be better. Stronger. Tighter. For example, in this bit:

> I couldn't say anything, my words were at the tip of my tongue but I just couldn't form the words. I just kept shaking my head. I felt like saying anything about it would make it that much more real. The denial that had kept me grounded was all of a sudden gone and I was left to deal with the pain and grief of everything that had happened.

Each of these sentences can be reworked to various degrees to make a stronger overall piece of writing. Some changes are straight cuts. Some separate long sentences into shorter, punchier ones. Some reword various thoughts to change the emphasis slightly. These are just my take on how it could be edited, but compare the two versions and see what you think:

> I couldn't say anything. Couldn't form the words. I just kept shaking my head, as if saying anything would just make it more real. But it was real. The denial slipped away from me, leaving behind nothing but the pain and grief of loss.

In other areas, you can streamline for simple clarity, as in this part towards the end:

> Josh stayed over that night and slept in the living room. Neither of us slept at all.

You're contradicting yourself: he stayed over that night, but he didn't actually _sleep_ in the living room. It's an easy fix, but it's important because it saves the reader from a moment's confusion (did he or didn't he sleep?) while they figure out that it's just rough writing. Anything you can do to make the reader's job easier is always a good thing:

> Josh stayed over that night, camped out in the living room. Neither of us slept at all.

Anyway, nice job. It's a good opening scene. You do a very nice job of staying true to real human emotion. When people hear bad news, they go through a predictable sequence of emotions: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. (Or in some conceptions, it's 7 stages; google "stages of grief" for tons of supplementary reading.) You, quite correctly, dump your narrator straight into denial when she gets the news, and you do a nice job portraying what that looks like: denial manifests as a physical impulse to flee, to not be in the place where the bad news is, as though it can be escaped. Not all stages are necessary in every situation; you skip over anger and bargaining and progress to depression. There's a bit of anger, but it's not directed at the dead friend, so I'm not clear how it fits into the formal model, but what you did felt right. It was believable.

Perhaps when your narrator faces the new day--or maybe after she collapses from exhaustion, gets some sleep, and then wakes up later--she'll be able to move on to acceptance. Or maybe that will take until the very end of the book. That's up to you!

[Kiynteyh]

Cloister said it right. Your grammar is fine, but you could always change things a bit to make the story "better". I love the way you portray the emotion. I find that I have difficulties doing that in the story I'm writing. It's a sad, but good beginning to the story nonetheless, and I can't wait to read the rest. :)