Before I Give Way

My life has been a busy blur

People pass, things occur

It's slipping right before my eyes

I'm messing up but I improvise

I'm grabbing for a solid rock

But something's there to always block

The things that I need the most

Even if they are so close

Spinning, winding, I'm getting dizzy 

But I can't sit down; Constantly busy

No time to breathe, just move along

Make a decision, of course it's wrong

I get in trouble or ignored

For things that I am working towards

It's never enough, whatever I give

Keep pushing forwards, it's hard to live

I'm always tired or I'm sick

Either way one will be picked

No day can just be an easy one

Everyday things just come undone

"You're acting like a b***h today"

"You did this wrong, do it this way"

I just want to sleep for days

Before I give up; Before I give way.

Reviews

[de_maruf]

fine

[MachinaWriter]

I agree with Ban Heo, below, the rhyming in this is very neat and the flow is smooth, so congratulations on that. As far as style goes, I might disagree with the idea that some have that rhyme doesn't belong in a poem that speaks of such dark subject material. I think changing the layout, though, would help establish the mindset, while allowing you to keep the rhyme scheme. Such as breaking up some of the lines like this:

Spinning...
winding...
I'm getting
dizzy;
But I can't sit down...
constantly busy;
no time to breathe,
just move along
make a decision,
of course it's wrong.

Then again, that's my style of doing things lol So of course I'd do it that way. This is your style, so do it how you feel works best. It's an expression of your thoughts, and your feelings, so only you can say how it can best be displayed. I play around with my style a lot, for the sake of playing with style lol Either way, I loved the poem and I understand the feelings completely.

"I'm always tired or I'm sick / Either way one will be picked" this whole stanza struck me hard and it was somethign I could relate to.

[Apatheia]

I really like how you put that. It's crazy how just breaking up some lines can change it. I've tried that but it sounds wrong when i do it. >_< Maybe I just don't break things up right.

[MachinaWriter]

I started reading a lot of e.e.cummings and it made me realize how placing words in a certain order can actually affect the way a poem works out. You can see where I first started doing that in my poetry on here and it didn't work out quite like I hoped the first few tries. I just played around a lot until I was comfortable with it. It's really about affecting the "pace" of the poem in the spacing. Where you want to change the pace, or create emphasis, you break it onto a new line. It makes it fun to play with, as well lol xD

[Apatheia]

Okay. I'll definitely have to try that.

[Ban Heo]

this poem rhymes really neatly and as a result, reads smoothly. The only critique I have is that this might not be what you want. I feel like personal, sad poetry that rhymes and gives away the emotions it portrays gets a bit too sing-songy. The writing is good though.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Hi Hannah, you are right about writing depressing stuff. It is sad that this is the way you feel about the world and your place in it. Think of the Children massacred in the USA a few days ago and what their parents, relatives and friends are going through. Then ask yourelf is my life really so bad? Perhaps do something you like that you know cheers you up and feel the feelings then write about it. The poem is not bad but like many people who chose to rhyme it feels forced and dictated by finding a word to fit.

[Claire Twinn]

Rush, rush, rush! I think we have all felt like this sometimes- more chill time is needed! I like the busy feel and fast pace here.

[Tasha]

I like this. It describes a lot of people in this world today who is just going through the actions of living, but barely is surviving.

[TheArchAngel]

I like your poem, it describes a very unyielding life.
i liked the flow as well, but it got broken up a couple times.
over all enjoyable to read.
( tea makes life a little easier =] )