The Lonely Man...

I touch him accidently and smile

he sighs

agitated

 

I watch him from the road

he walks

irritated

 

'Have a nice day'

suprised

he smiles

 

I walk away

he stares

longing...

Reviews

[Vivek Koshy]

Nice.

[highthought]

surprised !
being touched by someone with ur eyes
surprised !
where did u get this warmth
surprised!
ever heard ur voice
when u say have a nice day ?
surprised !
the smile was only a message
from someone who will have
huge thing in mind .

[Moflo]

I really like the simplicity of this one, with such a strait forward structure you expressed more words than you show and that is fantastic. Very good write!

[abby2011]

hey Alessander =) you picked up on that change in rhythm and you are correct it was employed intentionaly. it is a change in his day, a change in his mood, thus i cut his rhythm with 'a smile' a change of heart...illuminated =) xo

thanks for feedback all!

[Alessander]

short and to the point. I guess my only advice would be to keep the original rhyme scheme - agitated/irritated - I was expecting something to rhyme with "smiles" because that's the way the beginning sets up the reader. However, I can see the difficulty of rhyming smiles with something that fits the content, or that maybe detering from rhyme is meant to catch the reader by surprise, and thus emphasize the "longing"

[Su' Nacnetaf]

Wow, so short, yet so poignant, this was beautiful, sad, but merry in a fashion. The ending was so simple, but so amazing, it left me in awe. Truly marvelous, great writing.

[Robin]

you made his heart beat a little stronger .. and sigh ..