My Teddy

A Poem by ALU

the first love of a lost girl, became flesh

I spent my entire childhood with this Teddy Bear. I held him when I was happy and fell into his arms when heartache overwhelmed me. He was taller than I was for a long time. He looked like a mountain. He was strong and silent and brave. When I was afraid he was steady, unmoving and protective. I hid behind him from the shadows of the night. I laughed against his cheek and told him stories from my imagination. I danced with him and cried with him. Where I went, he followed. He never frowned at me, he never scolded me. He held my hand when I felt alone. I knew him, and he knew me. He held every story, every fear, every dream I ever shared without being burdened by my needs. I trusted him. Without a shred of hesitation I ran to him.

Then, I grew up. I grew into new experiences, new challenges and many new heartaches. I grew past the joys of sharing my stories, and past the midnight giggles. I grew into new roles, new names, and new responsibilities and life grew dark and light over and over again. I ran to him in my despair, and flooded his once soft fur with my tears. I held onto him in panic, in anger, and every piece that broke off of me landed on him. Still he remained silent and unmoving with all of my anguish upon him. He took it away every time I ran to him.

As a little girl I knew who he was. He was safety, he was strength, he was heart, and he was mine.

Then I found him. The real him. My Teddy.

His arms wrapped all the way around me, and he was strong and unmoving. There was nothing to fear when I was next to him. The night held no shadows. The midnight giggles returned and my stories took on a new life. I laughed with him, and he held me like the world may collapse if he let go. My teddy smiled at me with love in his eyes. He laughed when I laughed, and talked so that for once I could listen. My daydreams and his combined and grew and I loved him as if he was stitched together only for me. Then life got dark again. My own darkness eclipsed the light and in that blackness I lost him. My Teddy.

Over the years I fought back and punched holes in the darkness to let the light back in. Some days my reflection caught me off guard and my own voice seemed strange. I still had my Mountain bear to hold when the weight of the world hung onto my ankles, but the Teddy I lost remained in my memory. One Teddy soaking in the longing for the other. One silent, one lost, and I kept moving on.

I didn’t see it coming, the day my Teddy came home. Then he was there. His words alone burned away the sadness, melted away the pain and guilt, until all that remained was the truth. Then there was his touch again. The perfect peace of his embrace brought back the beat of a hardened heart. And there I was, with him again. The real him. My Teddy. He found me.