Snow

Another piece from my past. This one was probably from 2008. Just a short poem. Again, I don't plan to share much of my old work on this site; but I wanted to get some material up to start sharing.

We met for a while,

Sat down with crossed legs and awkward smiles,

Nervous laughs and shifty eyes,

Our hands busy doing nothing.

I walked you home,

Our steps in the snow,

My teeth chattered goodbye

Then I walked back alone.

And by the time I got back,

More snow had covered our tracks

And it had been like we'd never met.

But it can snow all it wants.

I opened my door and my room smelled like you,

Like the days when it always used to.

So I opened my window.

Yeah, it can snow all it wants.

Reviews

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

i think it was an amazing peace.
it rhymed well and flowed well.
the story line was romantic and sweet.
great write you have talent i liked it :)
keep writing :)

[Fahmida]

This is really beautiful poem, I enjoyed,loved it.

[Stella Armour]

this lovely poem just flows beautifully , i was in the snow watching it covering your footsteps but it could not erase her perfume, a really gentle and beautiful write...

[Karen]

Beautiful poem! I love the images and the way they make me feel (all fuzzy inside like the way "my room smelled like you"). And the repetition of "it can snow all it wants" is phenomenally used in this poem. Thank you for writing it and sharing it!

[zainul]

Wonderful story of life.
Love these lines:
"More snow had covered our tracks
And it had been like we'd never met."

[Christopher Angel]

Something about this makes me feel like the person narrating was imagining that someone was with them. I particularly liked the last four lines and it was those specifically that gave me that impression. It was sweet and melancholic at the same time - I liked it very much.

My only suggestion was for the 8th and 9th line. 'Then I walked back alone. And by the time I got back...' these two lines seemed a little off when reading the entire poem. They stood out because they felt like they didn't belong there.

Perhaps something like Off I went toward home, alone. By the time I got back...'

Other than that, it's really good. Very evocative. When I recited it in my head, it was in a low, soft voice wrecked with heartache. I felt the pain and that, from a writer's point of view, is really good.

[Writer #00]

Beautiful poem, sir (unless you're a female using a male avatar, in which case...awkward). I got an image of white with only specks of things dotting it: a bench, two houses, and a couple. I love the analogy you used to reflect a relationship that has past or is ending (or at least that's what the covered tracks represented to me). Fittingly, you used snow to aid in you symbolism as snow is wonderful in the moment, pure and fluffy, but is impermanent and fleeting, like a life or a reluctantly ended relationship. The end was lovely, as well, lifting the mood of the poem so that the character seems to acknowledge the fact that, no matter what may happen to widen the distance between them, it will always have the memories of its partner and will, in this way, never be truly apart from it. (used it because it's gender neutral and I didn't know what gender the characters were, sorry : ) )
Well done, calming tone.

crystalline/100

[areawakening]

Thank you for your feedback! As I remember, finding the beauty in impermanence was a very important theme in my life at that point in time.

Sincerely,
Mitchell (very much a man) Lee

[Writer #00]

No problem, Verymuchaman, and good job conveying said important theme of impermanence.

[Trevor Jay Bloodworth]

Thoughtful. I like the message that's in this.

[Riding the Rainbow]

Really liked it and touched my heart. I can sense a loss and if it is so, I can relate with the thing "it can show all it wants"..he's always there..

[areawakening]

I'm glad that it could mean something to you and I appreciate your thoughts!