Only For You

A Poem by Anshuman Aryav

Dedicated to Someone Special..

Every gift seems small for this birthday girl,

Whether it is silver, gold or a shiny pearl.

But still wish to give her something,

Who wants to fly even without wings.

Everyone looks beautiful with a smiling face,

But her lovely smile...Nobody can replace,

And you know for that smile,

I wander through miles and miles.

She does everything with devotion,

So I bow my head towards her dedication.

I have seen a adorable girl inside,

And writing about her is just like a pride.

Her silvery voice flows like rills,

For me she resembles such as daffodils.

My affection for her will last forever,

Will it decrease?...say never and never.

Her smile is infectious just like flu,

Whenever she smiles, I start smiling too,

What I think and what's my view,

All I have written only for you.

© 2019 Anshuman Aryav

Author's Note

After a long time... Tried to compose something.

My Review

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Reviews

JayG

It seems a good part of the story you intended to tell remains in your head, which means the reader lacks context to appreciate it.

• Every gift seems small for this birthday girl

Is "this" girl the speaker, an adult female the speaker favors, a daughter, or a teen "girl?" You know, but since your intent doesn't make it to the page?

• Who wants to fly even without wings.

Is this a question? It seems so. But if we reverse the order of line two and three it's about the "birthday girl," and fits the idea of a young girl. But...

• Everyone looks beautiful with a smiling face,

You have prettier friends than I do, I think.

But you get what I mean. Problem is that your intent doesn't make it to the page, which is why you need to edit from the seat of a reader, not the author. You know the story you want to tell, but the reader has only what the words suggest to them.

And as if it wasn't bad enough to hit you over the head with that...

Structured pouter is about a LOT more than rhyming. The rhyme should seem almost accidental, and be the perfect word for the thought. When you force the line to the needs of the rhyme, as against being the perfect words to express the thought, you end up with awkward phrasing, or "Yoda speak."

• But her lovely smile...Nobody can replace,
• For me she resembles such as daffodils.

For some really good suggestions on why and how rhyming poetry does its job, take a look at the excerpt for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It's filled with things about language, and what makes it flow smoothly that we never think about that are.

Not good news, I know. But perhaps a but helpful. Just bear in mind that nothing worth doing is easy. And we all such at it when we begin writing. But with practice and study we we can change the ratio of gold to crap for the better.If you write just a bit better every day, and live long enough... 🤔

Posted 4 Years Ago

It seems a good part of the story you intended to tell remains in your head, which means the reader lacks context to appreciate it.

• Every gift seems small for this birthday girl

Is "this" girl the speaker, an adult female the speaker favors, a daughter, or a teen "girl?" You know, but since your intent doesn't make it to the page?

• Who wants to fly even without wings.

Is this a question? It seems so. But if we reverse the order of line two and three it's about the "birthday girl," and fits the idea of a young girl. But...

• Everyone looks beautiful with a smiling face,

You have prettier friends than I do, I think.

But you get what I mean. Problem is that your intent doesn't make it to the page, which is why you need to edit from the seat of a reader, not the author. You know the story you want to tell, but the reader has only what the words suggest to them.

And as if it wasn't bad enough to hit you over the head with that...

Structured pouter is about a LOT more than rhyming. The rhyme should seem almost accidental, and be the perfect word for the thought. When you force the line to the needs of the rhyme, as against being the perfect words to express the thought, you end up with awkward phrasing, or "Yoda speak."

• But her lovely smile...Nobody can replace,
• For me she resembles such as daffodils.

For some really good suggestions on why and how rhyming poetry does its job, take a look at the excerpt for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It's filled with things about language, and what makes it flow smoothly that we never think about that are.

Not good news, I know. But perhaps a but helpful. Just bear in mind that nothing worth doing is easy. And we all such at it when we begin writing. But with practice and study we we can change the ratio of gold to crap for the better.If you write just a bit better every day, and live long enough... 🤔

Rating /100