Empty Spaces

There are a lot of things I have to say; a lot of things brewing in my mind right now. I don't know how to let my voice be heard, or express them in words on paper. It just gets difficult to accept the reality about myself and to either let it be, or to fix it and try another chapter.

Life, so far, has been meaningless to me in so many ways inexplicable. In the two and a half decades that I have lived, I have had nothing but a monotonous life that only passed by without leaving any indelible mark on me or others. My presence has been nothing but a disappearing ink, and the imprints fade away even before I know. I see others, I see their smiling faces, and their mirth. I see their vibrant presence and listen to the myriad stories they share. It is then, when, something sharp hits me hard. I pull out my picture and put it up against theirs and what I see is not something I would apparently like to see. The sharp contrast is deep and conspicuous. I cannot help but make notice of the sad picture of my life painted in a gloomy darkness in contrast to others. I wish to evade it but in vain.

Sometimes, I sit and peruse over the picture of my life I have lived so far and I see nothing that could catch my eye. I feel nothing that needs to be felt. I hear nothing that needs to be heard. And it is in moments like this that I feel pain and sadness. I feel shattered and blue. I don't know whom to blame, or even if I need to blame anyone. I just feel numb. Maybe nobody deserves me with my gloomy picture. Maybe nobody wishes to embrace me this way. Maybe I should stay away from others to save myself of the apparent embarrassment that would be caused in all likelihood. They will talk about adventures and boredom, foolishness and heroism, and I will have nothing to talk about, because I have never had anything to talk about.

Should I feel stupid and sad? Because I do feel it.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Life is steps my friend. Easy to see little when we don't pay attention. I understand your words and thoughts. Easy to feel, we don't do enough or done enough. Keep going forward Ayesha and you will do fine. Thank you for sharing your words and your thoughts. Made me think tonight.
Coyote

[Chris]

A thought-full and truth-full piece... Seems to have real questions to ask but no one to ask them of...

[alanwgraham]

Ayesha, this is a sad little story. I'll assume it's personal and I can assure you that there are many others around that will be having the same feelings. Perhaps we are more aware of those that appear to be having fun and living an exciting life. My suggestion would be to believe in yourself and get involved in activities that you might be interested in - writing groups, choirs, running clubs etc. Or even more exciting try something knew. You will soon make friends!
All the best and good luck.
Alan

[ayesha cullen]

Thanks Alan :)