The Invocation of Azura

The Invocation of Azura

A Poem by Jerbear The Great

The rays from the New Moon fall on me.
In haphazard rivulets of silvery light.
I close my eyes with glee
Forgetting my archaic fight.

I soak in the power
The milky rays give me.
I feel I can do all but cower.
I had never felt so free.

As I sat in my silent reflection,
You stalked your prey.
As I cracked an eye in confusion,
Your blow fell upon where I lay.

The rivers of light now flow gleaming
Of my dark essence.
As I lay bleeding,
You overshadow my presence.

As I near the end I wonder,
"Is this death that now stalks me
As you did in the days foregone?
Does He not know that I am free

From Him and you?
Does He not see
That I am immune?"

© 2008 Jerbear The Great


Author's Note

Jerbear The Great
Ignore grammar and spelling errors, other than that, review harshly please.

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Featured Review

I know you said to ignore grammar and spelling, but it's my specialty and I am also having a bit of a hard time reading it.

First, in your title, "Envocation" isn't a word in the dictionary. Were you meaning invocation or evocation? The title is the first thing people see, which is the only reason why I wanted to ask. =P

Now you really don't need so many commas, and the reason I say this is because it seems like a huge run on. A comma injects a pause and I think it makes the reading of your poem a bit choppy. Also, because it is a poem, you don't have to use comma's or periods at the end of your statement if you do not wish to. So here's my suggested layout and word suggestions.
Line 1 - Omit the comma, add a period.
Line 2 - Omit the word "in". Omit the comma, add a period.
Line 3 - Omit the word "and" (it ensues the long run-on sentence). Omit the comma.
Line 4 - I have no qualms about line 4.
Line 5 - Omit the comma
Line 6 - Omit the comma, add a period.
Line 7 - Omit the word "and" (it ensues the long run-on sentence). Omit the comma, add a period.
Line 8 - 12 I have no qualms
Line 13 - Omit the comma
Line 14 - Omit the word "off"
Line 15 - 16 I have no qualms
Line 17 - I rearranged your sentence from "I wonder as I near the end," to "
As I near the end I wonder, ". Keep the comma.
Line 18 - Omit the question mark
Line 19 - I have no qualms
Line 20 - Omit the question mark
Line 21 - I have no qualms
Line 22 - Omit the comma
Line 23 - Add a quotation mark at the end


The rays from the New Moon fall on me.
Haphazard rivulets of silvery light.
I close my eyes with glee
Forgetting my archaic fight.

I soak in the power
The milky rays give me.
I feel I can do all but cower.
I had never felt so free.

As I sat in my silent reflection,
You stalked your prey.
As I cracked an eye in confusion,
Your blow fell upon where I lay.

The rivers of light now flow gleaming
Of my dark essence.
As I lay bleeding,
You overshadow my presence.

As I near the end I wonder,
"Is this death that now stalks me
As you did in the days foregone?
Does He not know that I am free

From Him and you?
Does He not see
That I am immune?"

I adore the feel of your poem going from being at peace to being stalked.


Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

this was interesting. imagery is on key and so was most of the flow. the last two stanzas in a way lost fuel for me. But, the message in the end brings the fire right back. good work.

Posted 9 Years Ago


good job

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I know you said to ignore grammar and spelling, but it's my specialty and I am also having a bit of a hard time reading it.

First, in your title, "Envocation" isn't a word in the dictionary. Were you meaning invocation or evocation? The title is the first thing people see, which is the only reason why I wanted to ask. =P

Now you really don't need so many commas, and the reason I say this is because it seems like a huge run on. A comma injects a pause and I think it makes the reading of your poem a bit choppy. Also, because it is a poem, you don't have to use comma's or periods at the end of your statement if you do not wish to. So here's my suggested layout and word suggestions.
Line 1 - Omit the comma, add a period.
Line 2 - Omit the word "in". Omit the comma, add a period.
Line 3 - Omit the word "and" (it ensues the long run-on sentence). Omit the comma.
Line 4 - I have no qualms about line 4.
Line 5 - Omit the comma
Line 6 - Omit the comma, add a period.
Line 7 - Omit the word "and" (it ensues the long run-on sentence). Omit the comma, add a period.
Line 8 - 12 I have no qualms
Line 13 - Omit the comma
Line 14 - Omit the word "off"
Line 15 - 16 I have no qualms
Line 17 - I rearranged your sentence from "I wonder as I near the end," to "
As I near the end I wonder, ". Keep the comma.
Line 18 - Omit the question mark
Line 19 - I have no qualms
Line 20 - Omit the question mark
Line 21 - I have no qualms
Line 22 - Omit the comma
Line 23 - Add a quotation mark at the end


The rays from the New Moon fall on me.
Haphazard rivulets of silvery light.
I close my eyes with glee
Forgetting my archaic fight.

I soak in the power
The milky rays give me.
I feel I can do all but cower.
I had never felt so free.

As I sat in my silent reflection,
You stalked your prey.
As I cracked an eye in confusion,
Your blow fell upon where I lay.

The rivers of light now flow gleaming
Of my dark essence.
As I lay bleeding,
You overshadow my presence.

As I near the end I wonder,
"Is this death that now stalks me
As you did in the days foregone?
Does He not know that I am free

From Him and you?
Does He not see
That I am immune?"

I adore the feel of your poem going from being at peace to being stalked.


Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Deep man. I LOVED this poem. I can't even critique. Amazing.

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on August 21, 2008
Last Updated on September 1, 2008

Author

Jerbear The Great
Jerbear The Great

Simi Valley, CA



About
My name's Jeremy McGue, I'm 20 years old and I have no idea what to do with myself. I enjoy writing and am currently working on a piece of work that my partner Norman and i are writing together. It's .. more..

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