Crazies

A script I wrote for a little acting troupe of mine. :)

 Characters

Tammy - Nurse that has been working at the mental institution for a few months.

Sarah - Brand-new, just graduated nurse. She was just barely hired to work at the institution, and has absolutely no idea what she’s gotten herself in to.

Abby - Schizophrenic; claims she sees dead people.

Rachel - Uses over-exaggerated gestures when she talks, and often freezes completely right in the middle of a sentence (see Ashley for examples). She is deathly afraid of mirrors; she thinks they steal away your soul.

Alexander - Megalomaniac; believes he’s directly descended from Alexander the Great, and thinks he is just as powerful, if not more so. Talks in a British accent, even though he’s American.

Sandy/Gutama - Split personalities (played by a girl). Sandy is a snappish American girl, while Gutama is a suave Indian man.

Zach - Narcoleptic.

Max - Has Tourette’s, and seems to enjoy shouting at people at the top of his lungs to stop doing one thing or the other.

Ted - Has severe OCD.

Paul - Bipolar.

Sandra - Incorrigible Narcissist; has a hard time focusing on anything but her own reflection and is constantly fiddling with her hair, adjusting her clothes, and examining her fingernails.

 

 

Script

(Curtains open to a ring of ten chairs, and a chalkboard with tally marks on it. Sarah and Tammy walk in)

Sarah - Thank you so much for hiring me on such short notice! I’m really excited about this job. I know I may have just graduated, but I think I’ll make you proud.

Tammy - Well, we here at the Frank Kenneth Lloyd Mental Institution are very excited to have you! In fact, I’ve arranged to have some of the patients come meet you here; that way, we can get you feeling right at home.

Sarah - Okay!

Tammy - (Looks at watch) They should be here any minute. I’ll introduce you to everyone, but then I have other things that I need to do; so I’ll leave you to your own devices.

Sarah - (Somewhat nervously) Wait, you’re leaving me here all by myself… alone… on my first day?!

Tammy - Of course! That’s what they did for me when I first got here a couple months ago.

Sarah - A… a couple months ago? (Somewhat suspiciously) You must be pretty amazing at your job to have been promoted to Head Nurse after only a few months.

Tammy - (Nervously) Hahaha… Oh look! Here come some of them now!

(Alexander and Ted walk in. Alexander regally takes a seat, while Ted starts straightening out the chairs so they’re all even. He finally gets over to Alexander and tries to straighten out the chair, but Alexander refuses to budge)

Ted - Could you… (Tries to move chair) Could you move, please?

Alexander - Whatever for, dear boy?

Ted - It… It’s not… (bites fist to try and calm himself. Tries to move the chair again) It’s not straight.

Alexander - Stop! Would you ask a king to get up from his throne, merely to satiate your strange obsession with having everything completely symmetrical?

Ted " Yes! It’s called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for a reason. Plus, you’re no king, so… (waves hand for him to get up)

Alexander - (Folds arms stubbornly) No, I refuse to get up from this spot. As much as you deny it, I am royalty. I am descended from Alexander the Great; the most powerful man in the history of the world!!!! I will not stoop so low as to get up merely for the pleasure of a peasant.

Tammy - (Breaks up the argument before it gets nasty) Boys!

(Alexander stands up when he sees the ladies standing there. Ted quickly fixes the chair so that it’s perfectly straight)

Tammy - Where’s everybody else?

Alexander - (Bows low to Sarah before replying) You expect me to know? Am I my brother’s keeper?

(All the others show up and take their seats)

Tammy - (In sing-song voice) Oh, here they are! (waits for the others to sit down, then grabs Sarah around the shoulders and brings her forward) Everyone, this is Nurse Sarah. She just barely graduated from college, and this is her very first job in this position; so I need you to be on your best behavior, m’kay? I have some paper-work to fill out, so you all just get to know each other. Bye! (runs off stage)

Sarah - (Calls after her) No wait! Wait!! WHAT ABOUT THEIR MEDS??????  (Looks back to the others with a petrified look. Realizes they’re all staring at her- except for Zach, who is asleep "and laughs nervously before sitting down. Clears throat) Hello everyone. Umm… before we get started, would anyone like to tell me what the chalkboard is for?

(Ted is about to answer, when Alexander cuts him off)

Alexander - We will inform you later.

Sarah - Oookay. Why don’t we get started then? Let’s just go around the circle and I want you to introduce yourselves and tell me why you’re here; that way we can get to know each other better.  You go ahead and start. (Points to Rachel)

Rachel - Okay, well… my name is Rachel, and I really have no idea why I’m here. There’s no… (freezes)

Sarah - (shocked silence) Is that…? Is she okay?

 

Sandy/Gutama - (as Sandy) Oh, she’s fine. Something in her head is just broken, and she just freezes at random times. Nothing to worry about.

Sandra - (scoffs) You’re one to talk. You’re probably the most broken of all of us… I, of course, being the most perfect.

Sandy - I am not ‘broken’!!!!!!! And you most certainly are not perfect, miss “I’m-too-good-for-anything-that’s-not-my-own-reflection”!

(Sandra gasps in outrage and is about to retort, but Max interrupts her)

Max - EVERYONE STOP BEING ANNOYING AND LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Max’s outburst makes Sarah jump and almost fall out of her seat)

Sarah - C-can we just move on, please?

Rachel - (Unfreezes and continues on as if nothing happened) Nothing wrong with me. See? I’m perfectly normal. (Folds arms emphatically) Okay, I’m done.

Sarah - (Stares at Rachel for a second, laughs nervously and just turns to

Sandy/Gutama) You’re next.

Sandy - Whatever. I’m Sandy…

Paul - (Mutters) Or Gutama.   

Sandy - (Glares at Paul) What was that?

Paul - Nothing. Nothing.

Sandy - Good. Anyway, I’m here because I supposedly have another personality…

Paul- Named Gutama.

Sandy - Who is this Gutama that you keep talking about?! I’ve never met him! Has anybody else seen him? NO!!!! So why don’t you just be quiet over there, huh?

Sarah - (Breaking up the argument) Please! Just… continue. Please.

Sandy - That’s it, I’m done. (Bumps Abby) Your turn.

Abby - I… I’m Abby, and I’m here because… Because… I’m schizophrenic and I believe in zombies.

Sarah - Excuse me… what?

Abby - (creepily) I see dead people.

Sarah - Hoooookay… Next!!!

(Abby bumps Zach, who is sleeping peacefully in his chair. It takes several attempts to finally wake him)

Zach - (Bolts upright) Coming Mother!!!! (Wakes up fully from his dream and sees everybody around him.) Oh, hello. (Blinks stupidly and yawns) What were we talking about?

Abby - (Whispers to Zach) What’s your name, and why are you here.

Zach - You should know that already, Abby!

Max - NOT HER, DUMMY!!!!

(Sarah jumps again and almost falls out of her seat… again)

Zach - (Looks around and finally notices Sarah) Oh, ohhhh, sorry. Must’ve missed the memo that there was a new nurse. Anyways… Hi, my name is Zach, and I have narco… (Head falls down to his chest and he starts snoring)

Sarah - (Sighs) Narcolepsy, I’m guessing?

All the Patients - Uh-huh.

Sarah - Okay then, I guess we’ll just move on…

Sandy/Gutama - (As Gutama) Excuse me… did I accidentally get skipped?

Sarah - (Utterly confused) Wha…? No, you didn’t get skipped, Sandy. And why are you talking in that weird accent?

Gutama - Is it weird? I guess I hadn’t noticed. Ah well, if a beautiful lady thinks I should change my accent, I’ll try my best. But… who is this Sandy that you speak of? I don’t know anyone by that name.

Sarah - Then… what is your name?

Gutama " Oh, please, forgive my rudeness. My name is Gutama. Is that all you wish to know?

Sarah - Y-yes, that’s all. Thank you. (Turns to Alexander) Y-you’re next.

Alexander - I daresay it’s about time. I really should have gone first, but, seeing as it’s your first day, I’ll let the formalities slide. My name is Alexander; and, yes, in case you were wondering, I am named after Alexander the Great, a close ancestor of mine.

Sarah - Oh, I wasn’t…

Alexander - (Riding over her) He was the greatest man of his time. And I am just as powerful as he. In fact, my subjects sometimes say that I am even greater than he was.

Paul - (Scoffs) What subjects?

Alexander - You dare question my authority and power?!!!!!!!!!! (Leaps to his feet) I shall hang you for this mutiny!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Starts advancing towards Paul, his arms outstretched as if to strangle him)

Sarah - (stands up and tries to separate Paul and Alexander) Stop… stop… sit… sit down… sit… down… Sit down now!!!!!!! (shoves Alexander into his seat)

           

(Alexander looks at her with a stunned expression)

Sarah - This isn’t fourth century BC! We don’t hang people anymore!!!!! Now, (huffs, brushes hair back, and sits back down) let’s continue.

           

(Rachel and Abby start having a whispered conversation as Max starts his introduction)

Max - My name is Max, and I’m here because I have Tourette’s. But, I don’t think I have it as bad as some (interrupts himself to yell at Rachel and Abby) STOP TALKING WHILE I’M TALKING YOU KNUCKLEHEADS!!!!!!!

           

(Sarah actually falls out of her seat this time. Rachel and Abby  fall silent)

Max - (Huffs and puffs) Thank you! Anyway… Great! Now I’ve forgotten I was going to say! THANKS A LOT YOU RUDE PEOPLE!!!!!

Sarah - (Sits back in her seat) Next! (voice cracks)

Paul - (raises hand timidly) That’s me, Paul. I’m here because everyone thinks I’m bipolar, which I really… (mild voice changes to rough, angry voice) don’t like it when people call me bipolar!!!! Do I act like I’m bipolar?!!!! I don’t think so!!!!!! And anyone who says otherwise is gonna get pounded!! (Pounds his fist for emphasis. Huffs and puffs for a few seconds, and then let’s out a calming sigh. Returns to mild voice) And that’s pretty much all there is to little ol’ me. (Smiles winningly) Next!

Ted - That would be me. Hello, I’m… I’m… (glares at a single hair that’s out of place on Sarah) I’m… (Bites lip and tries to focus just on Sarah’s face) I’m Ted and… and… and… (Glares at the hair again)

Sarah - (trying to finish his sentence) And… you have a stuttering problem?

Ted - (huffs exasperatedly) No! You just… Gah! I’m sorry. There’s just this one little hair that you have that’s out of place. Would you… would you mind fixing it please? It’s really bothering me.

           

(Sarah puts hand up to try and fix the hair)

Ted - Oh, just a little to the left… Oh! Up some more… up! Up! Up! Up! Oh, almost there! Just down a little more! Perfect.

           

(Sarah brushes hair back impatiently and waits for Ted to continue)

Ted - Okay, as I was saying; my name is Ted, and my wife put me in here because I was driving her crazy with my severe… (trails off and stares at Sarah’s hair again) I’m sorry, that hair is still sticking up. Why don’t you move it over… (Improvise here. Try to be as annoyingly precise as possible. Have it go on for a little bit, until Ted finally gets frustrated, walks over to Sarah, licks his finger and then smooths it down for her) There! That’s better! (Goes to sit back down)

           

(Sarah makes a horrified, disgusted face)

Ted - Should I continue?

Sarah - NO!!!! No, no… that’s fine. You’ve got severe OCD, I gotcha.

Sandra - Well, I guess that just leaves me. Wonderful choice, considering the best is always last. (Some of the Patients snort and cough in denial. Sandra glares at them before continuing) Anyway… My name is Sandra, and I’ve been dumped in this drab place because I’m a narcissist. (Fluffs hair) Although, I can’t say I blame myself; I mean, after all, who wouldn’t love a face like this? (Pulls out small, compact mirror)

(Rachel’s eyes get HUGE)

Rachel - Is that… is that a… a m-m-m-m…

Sandra - A mirror? Yes, dear, it is. (Turns to Sarah) She has this totally irrational fear of mirrors. She thinks they “Steal away” your soul. (Be sure to use air quotes)

Rachel - (hysterically) Put it away!!! Put it away!!!!!!! It’s going to steal your soul and there’ll be nothing left but an empty Sandra husk behind!!!! PUT IT AWAY!!!!! (Leaps toward Sandra and tries to wrestle the mirror out of her hand)

Abby - (Overlapping Sandra and Rachel’s fight) The zombies!!!! I see them!!!! They’re… they’re rising out of the ground!!!!!! (Climbs up on top of her chair) Quick!!! Does anyone have any Windex??????

Rachel - See? I told you mirrors were evil!!!! Now those zombies are coming to steal your soul away and eat your brains!!!!!!!

Sandra - There’s nothing there, you weirdo!!!!!! Gimme my mirror!!!

Paul " (Tries to intervene) Now, ladies, there’s no need to fight…

Sandra - Oh, stay out of this Mr. Bipolar!

Paul - (Gets his mad face on) I am NOT BIPOLAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Joins in on the fight)

           

(Meanwhile, Abby, in an attempt to get away from the “zombies”, has climbed over the still sleeping Zach, and in the process has fallen on top of Ted’s lap)

Ted - Gah! Get off of me!!! You’re wrinkling my clothes and getting dirt all over me!!!!!

Abby - The zombies!!! The zombies!!!!!!

Ted - Get off!!!!!

           

(Alexander tries to step in and exert his authority)

Alexander - As your rightful leader, I declare that this stops right now!!!!

Sandy/Gutama - (As Sandy) Ahhhh, put a sock in it, you ol’  stuffed-shirt!

Alexander - (Widens his eyes and flares his nostrils angrily. Stomps over to Sandy) I swear, if you were Gutama right now, I would hit you.

Sandy - There is no Gutama!!!!!!!! (Tackles Alexander) Die, fake British man!!!!!

(The noise from all the fights overlaps)

Max - EVERYBODY STOP BEING SO LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!

           

(Nobody listens to him. Zach slides off his chair and falls on his face, still snoring.)

Sarah - (Stands up so abruptly that her chair skids back and topples over) EVERYBODY QUIEEEEEEEEEETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Everyone freezes and stares wide-eyed at Sarah)

Zach - (jumps awake) I’m up! I’m up! What’d I miss?

Sarah - (Ignores him) Everyone sit down!!

(Everyone quickly sits down, including Zach, who surprisingly stays awake)

Sarah - Now, I don’t want to hear a single peep out of any of you for the next five minutes. We all need to just settle down. You got that?

(The patients nod and stay silent. Sarah doesn’t fix her chair, but remains standing)

Ted - (Notices that the chair isn’t even with all the other chairs. Tries really hard to contain himself so that he won’t say anything. Bites his fist, fold his arms and rocks back and forth so that he won’t look at it. Rakes his hand through his hair; covers his face. Finally, he can’t take it any longer) E…excuse me, Nurse Sarah? Could you… could you fix your chair? It’s not straight.

(Dead silence. Sarah twitches.)

Paul - (Gets up and starts advancing towards Sarah to make sure she’s okay) Nurse Sarah, are you all right?

Sarah - Stay back! (makes an ‘x’ with her index fingers) Stay back, demon! Stay away from meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs screaming off stage)

(The patients just sit there for a minute in stunned silence. Zach gets up and makes another tally mark on the chalk-board before he falls to the ground asleep again)

(Ted fixes the mark so that it’s perfectly even with all the others)

Paul - How many nurses have we run off now?

Alexander - (Ad-lib a random, high number)

Paul - (Looks at chalkboard, noting the fact that there’s not nearly that many tally marks on the board) Are you sure about that? I don’t think that’s right.

Alexander - (Rolls eyes) Of course it’s right. I’m always right. (Flips chalkboard over, where the other side is completely filled with tally marks)

Paul - Oh, yep. That’s right.

Alexander " I told you.

END SCENE XD

Author's Note

Hehehe, I had sooooo much fun writing this! You have no idea. *^-^*

I hope this made you laugh, or at least giggle... a little. ;D It'll hopefully turn out much better once it's actually on stage, but I hope it's at least a little enjoyable in this form. :)

Let me know what you think!! :D

Reviews

[Alex Crow]

Amazingly funny to read Ash, but it was still more fun to see acted out at FKL. :) Still can't stop laughing though.

[A. L. Allen]

Hahaha, thanks Alex!

I feel like I haven't talked to you in FOREVER!!! I'm sorry that I haven't been able to reply to your messages. I'm not on my computer much, and my Kindle won't let me make any personal messages. -________-

How have you been? :-)

[Alex Crow]

I've been good, got a poem published in Stars in our Hearts, I got the first section of the OPERATION: GOBLIN finished and I can't wait to see Jesssica, She's back you know. How have you been pickle buddy?

[A. L. Allen]

That's awesome about your poem!! Congrats!!!!

I've been good. School just got out today, and now I can just kick back and relax for the next two weeks. ^_^

[Alex Crow]

Same here, we should meet up some time to talk.

[A. L. Allen]

That would be so fun! We should find a time where we can both go to one of Jessica's concerts. :D

[Alex Crow]

The schedule is posted on Dutton.com

[Alice]

I loved It!! I seriously couldn't stop Laughing!!!!! I was super Hilarious!!!!! Loved It!!!

~

[Summer'sBreeze]

Wow! Why haven't I reviewed this yet? XD
It was hilarious! XDXDXD
A great write!

[Lost in Wonderland]

Haha wow thsi would be such a funscript to perform! Very nice. Hahaha the ending was unexpected. Nice work!

[The XYZ Writer]

DUDE. I SWEAR I REVIEWED THIS, I'M NOT EVEN JOKING. I wrote like a HUGE review a while ago......Hmmm, I'll review it again of course dahling, but I shall have to do it tomorrow. Too much work. But this is still an awesome work dearie. :)

[Julius Whimbird]

Wow... kinda reminds me of a movie I saw. Unfortunately, I can't think of the name. Anyway, this play was quite interesting and I learned a few new things, like was narcolepsy and tourette was. From reading the context clues (i.e. the dialogue), I figure that narcolepsy is where you will spontaneously pass out and tourette is where you supposedly hear voices in your head. Oh, and Megalomaniac was a new one, too. I remember in that movie I mentioned earlier that one patient thought he was a doctor that worked at the asylum he was in. ...I digress. Anyway, awesome work. It was fun to read.