Teeming With Tricks Not Treats

Teeming With Tricks Not Treats

A Story by barleygirl
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scary semblance of my true existence . . .

"

I’m lacking chops when it comes to trick-or-treating. Most of my life has been spent wandering the lunatic fringe where a dismal candy-per-acre factor keeps little monsters away. Greedy goblins choose neighborhoods where porch lights are closely bunched. For some oddball reason nobody makes it out to my neck of the woods . . . never gracing my Halloween eve with ghoulish antics. So it’s been a buzzard’s bit since I snagged a young’un to toss into my annual autumn boil. My broth goes watery without access to proper vittles.

A termite-infested hovel dangles where the pavement traverses shale cliffs far above Piney Creek. The “main road” was narrowed to a single lane by a cave-in on a slashing stormy night some years back. My neighbor hauled a collection of big shale blocks from the slide area using his rickety secondhand wheelbarrow, presumably with a plan to screen his unsightly hoard. But the doofus didn’t use rebar or mortar so now a tumbledown shale shrine greets anyone wandering out this way. Surely it’s a deterrent to someone thinking about taking a mysterious turn down a side road populated by a scattering of yokels and me.

Aaron’s depravity brings forth a shitload more than mere decorations for a spooky season. He’s also our resident sex offender with his grisly animalistic perversions plastered all over an internet registry. The spectacle of Aaron’s trash heaps, stacked and leaning, crawling with rats and gnawed by squirrels, blown out across acres under eerie limbs with lacy strands of moss swaying in the breeze . . . well, let’s just say it might not be the warm welcoming vision to lure some parent driving along in the moonlit murkiness to suddenly jerk the steering wheel and lead one’s trusting trick-or-treaters down an unknown side road into the vast unknown. Could be why we don’t get a single trick-or-treater out here.

Folks rarely stray down the steep incline to John’s modest abode either, a sad fact for ghosts of ancient revelers. Cowardly carousers will never know the rapture I seek whenever I conjure the courage to walk my dogs along the creek. You see, ole John has a soft spot for homeless pets. Evidently he can’t fathom how the feral community is made up of wild felines preferring fresh gopher meat to that boring sanitary kibble he sets out. Screw the pesky human fallacy that we can “own” pets. Clearly his scraggly fleabag stalkers entertain an utterly different idea about who owns whom around there.

Suffice to say . . . one must urgently escape the creeped-out creek zone without a hodge-podge of claw swats. Any encounter down in the haunted ravine might precipitate a savagely infected bloodstream that shoots gooey pus from loudly gurgling body orifices mere minutes after a claw confrontation. We also have a hefty rodent infestation to ensure oodles of cat droppings tainting the creek zone with a nostril-tweaking stench. I toss tacks in the road to avert cat scratch fever amongst trick-or-treaters (if ever we might be graced with any!)

As a kid I grew up in a parallel poor-white-trash reality where I shadowed a funny old gay guy because he sang to me with glee: “She’s a little petunia in an onion patch!” Somehow I managed to fulfill his prophesy a half century later. Here I am in my humble hippie pad surrounded by a garden of profuse color . . . only to be flanked by mutants! Not how I fancied my final steps toward nirvana. But lately the local yokels have fled these hills and I’m soaking in the solitude for as long as it lasts. And here we are poised on the precipice of Halloween!

A final throb of autumn balminess infuses my skin as I traipse naked down from my high bluff to a deserted swimming pool for a cool splash. This neighbor is an unknown entity, just some rich fool who can’t be bothered crawling up into the uncouth hills to spend time at his retreat. Evidently the mystery man pays a pool boy to keep everything in tip-top shape, including a pool that sparkles with nary a fallen leaf to behold. So I take my floatation device and dogs down yonder to sneak into the fenced-in pool area. Nobody locks up around these parts. This vacant dwelling is situated next door to John the Cat Man.

Barely a few breaststrokes into my swim and the dogs are sacked out on lounge chairs. My mindless mutts don’t detect the approaching onslaught. Much later, opening my eyes from a floating nap, I see the pool is ringed by a snarling throng of brown fangs and straggly fur punctuated by scabbed-over wounds adorned with squirming maggots. Must be the friendly ferals John believes he can tame.

Soon my pack is on high alert reaping initial bites from an expansive cat buffet. The first few dog mauls remind me of eating lava cake as syrupy brown rivulets ooze into the pool, darkening the water. Suddenly a thousand slimy black leeches have glommed onto my bare white a*s. I leap up the ladder to exit these murky depths before I’m gobbled by black eddies. I swat away screeching felines with my misshapen arms, hunks of flesh flapping and severed veins spraying blood wildly. I crawl back up to my bluff before I pass out from lack of blood. I want to watch how my dogs are faring but I must brew a cup of chicken gizzard bisque, essential to refortify one’s blood after an extensive bloodletting.

In time I settle into my rattan easy chair on the back deck. Several sips of grainy gumbo and I already start to feel my dehydrated skin slowly puffing out with replenished fluids. Once I’m pumped back up to full consciousness, I stand and lean over the railing so I can peer down into the haunted ravine. My proud and cocky dogs are just that moment prancing up the road from their fruitful carnage with only two minor trails of dripping blood along their route. Good girls! C’mon home and let’s brush the slime and stickers from your fur!

Before I turn to go in and meet my dogs at the door, I take a good long gander at the creekside as far as I can see. The area is strewn with at least a hundred dead cats, trees are decked with oozing cat gut ribbons and the breeze is choked with fluttering tufts of flea-infested fur. Too bad there probably won’t be any trick-or-treaters stopping by to enjoy these extensive decorations tonight!

© 2018 barleygirl


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Author's Note

barleygirl
I was going to ease up on the Halloween writing for a bit, but I couldn't.

My Review

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Featured Review

Ease up? I think you lit your afterburner! With your often-used linguistic gymnastics, you rocketed to the full moon and spewed shock and awe all over the dead feline-littered place. Now about those leeches--my butt suddenly feels very, very vulnerable.

Posted 10 Months Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

10 Months Ago

There's nothing worse than the lingering leech sensations after a story like this! Your review is pu.. read more



Reviews

Margie,
I thoroughly enjoyed your Halloween story. Your rapid fire humor and sarcasm kept my attention. No breaks in action to catch my breath. A+ on your creativity and spot on descriptions. Your story is a classic and would make Steven King smile. Great job!
Peace,
Richie b.

Posted 9 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

9 Months Ago

It's strange how Halloween incites me this way, yet I never watch spooky movies or read spooky books.. read more
Glad you didn’t ease up darlin’!!! This was man sized macabre in your not so delicate hands....lol!!! You truly are at you best when the dead go walking and lids on all the coffins are open. A truly awesome Halloween treat!!!

Posted 9 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

9 Months Ago

I should probably try to squeeze out another macabre t**d or two before the bewitching hour gets her.. read more
This was pretty good. It was quite humorous and was a fun tale to read.

I have a few suggestions, though. I would vary your sentence length. A lot of your sentences are long and could be split up. Like this for example,

“The spectacle of Aaron’s trash heaps, stacked and leaning, crawling with rats and gnawed by squirrels, blown out across acres under eerie limbs with lacy strands of moss swaying in the breeze . . . well, let’s just say it might not be the warm welcoming vision to lure some parent driving along in the moonlit murkiness to suddenly jerk the steering wheel and lead one’s trusting trick-or-treaters down an unknown side road into the vast unknown.”

This sentence alone makes up more than half the paragraph. There are several others like this, as well.

Also, I think a lot of your sentences are really wordy. Like, “..well, let’s just say it might not be the warm welcoming vision to lure some parent driving along in the moonlit murkiness to suddenly jerk the steering wheel and lead one’s trusting trick-or-treaters down an unknown side road into the vast unknown.”


Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

9 Months Ago

I understand your suggestions, but I also have to say that these particular spots were intentionally.. read more
Black Kat

9 Months Ago

Grammar is grammar, and what I noted were grammar issues. Maybe you should look up the definition of.. read more
Margie
Please don't ease up on your Halloween writing!!! You'd take away so many smiles!
I always enjoy reading your stories. The way you use archaic or bucolic words intermixed with your style of old and country writing (I'm not sure if this is the right term to use or if it helps put my thoughts across, but can't think of anything else) always adds so much fun and charm. Like Verse said, you had me at candy-per-acre!
I once said earlier how I feel like an old-timer is telling me a story in good humour when I read your works here, and that feeling was only strengthened in this piece. Just so you know, I don't mean to be rude or anything when I say this. It's just something that really adds to the rapture of reading your stories! Besides, I love how you use your lexicon, especially 'local yokel". Haha, it made my day! :D

By the way, why would people NOT come trick-or-treating in the neighbourhood you've described? It feels isoalted and eerie. Isn't that an unmissable sight on Halloween? ;)

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

10 Months Ago

Thank you for your long & appreciative review! I'll probably be floating around like cat fur the res.. read more
Agyani

10 Months Ago

Haha, there's no mastery at my disposal. Reading your stories always adds to my vocabulary, albeit t.. read more
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:) I am staying away from your place on Halloween.
Totally creepy. Except for the leeches on the bare butt. That was funny.
You probably deserved that. (:

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

10 Months Ago

You're hilarious! That's what I get for sneaking into the neighbor's pool (I've never done that, but.. read more
.

10 Months Ago

For some reason I can totally picture you doing that. You seem to have a seed of mischief in you.read more
Eee lass tha' lives in a grand place
No skelitens callin & ah be later on
Yell get non o' then carol singers who cannot sing not even fer a warm supper
No the come around wi a lantern - night light in a jam jar. a Red woolly hat oh their head - Sin good king whats his name an Christmas is coming geese are getin fat pleas put a penny in the old mans at . an sheck a tin wi a slot in'top
I have some old washer rescued from something dismantled
The good siners get a copper or two Poor ens get washers

Even they dont come round here now - & I've run out o' washers

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

10 Months Ago

You are hilarious! I was planning to write about the odd things people give out at Halloween (never .. read more
your "true existence" eh!? how can i resist the read? ;) oh my...first its real...then its not...then it is..and then ................................ but i love the pause of beauty and grandeur as we hop along the naked trail to an illegal entry ............ then it not ..then its is .. then its not .......arrrrrrrrrrrgh! but i love it Barley........... hope your grisly neighbor is whisked away when the banshees fly ..happy Halloween sweet treat
E.

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

10 Months Ago

I am balancing on the fence of truth & fiction, for sure! There's something really fun about exagger.. read more
Einstein Noodle

10 Months Ago

aaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooooooooooooooooo
me too! and i agree ... exaggerations can keep the madne.. read more
Sjoeee what an interesting place u live never a dull moment- sounds like a bit of a horror story to me- sure I’ll get some dating soul one day wandering off the beaten track- what a surprise they’ll have- great imagination and wonderful life u live 🌹

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

10 Months Ago

I posted this on Facebook & a little old lady friend of mine (I'm 62, but I feel so young compared t.. read more
‘Thoughts In Time’🌹

10 Months Ago

Lol- if u go down to the woods tonight u in for a big suprise😛
I must admit, it really is quite alarming when you can't throw kids into the old witches mixing pot.
I don't remember reading this new law.
Do your dogs seek out and tear to pieces politicians. That would decorate my tree nicely.
Like the idea of wandering about with the lunatic fringe. It's the bloody sane people you've really got to look out for. Time to sharpen my axe now. Only time of the year I like meeting the neighbours.


Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

10 Months Ago

Lawdie have mercy if I ever get started on a slaughter that includes politicians. I assure you there.. read more
Paul Bell

10 Months Ago

Was there ever a decent politician.
You sure you got nothing to hide up there Margie... am gonna be with ya as soon as I'm able.. just to check and keep ya safe mind..... it dont get better, or should I say worse than this on the run up to Halloween.. that is not a challenge by the way.... give them furries of yours a pat on the back from me would ya.... N x

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

barleygirl

10 Months Ago

My muse has turned into a hijacker. Honestly I started out writing how we used to hand out homemade .. read more
Neville Pettitt

10 Months Ago

I'm all ears..... N

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Added on October 20, 2018
Last Updated on October 20, 2018

Author

barleygirl
barleygirl

Central Coast, CA



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Just loving life & sharing my blessings. more..

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