over head

over head

A Poem by bey
"

loveless sex

"
her softness eludes me
like the punchline
of an ill timed joke
it breezes
right past my open arms
and there
i am left standing
wearing a lost look
beckoning
a lost love



© 2010 bey


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I like where you are going with this.
Though I suggest, for imagery sake that you change "right past my open arms" to something above the head of the speaker to keep to the theme you have established. Also, in the last line, I think a different modifier other than a repeat of the word "lost" here could work better and give a more heart felt impact.

i am left standing
wearing a lost look
beckoning (I really like how you have that on a line by itself! It creates emotion and tension!)

Now for the modifier... is she really lost or did the speaker have her at all? Or perhaps you could change the "lost" look. Is the speaker lost or ... perhaps confused? He missed the whole point, so what really is his state of mind?

I like that you use "it breezes" almost as though the speaker is just inches away from his desire...as though it were on the tip of his tongue but not quite there.

Thank you for sharing this, I enjoyed it very much. It's simple yet powerful.



Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

I like where you are going with this.
Though I suggest, for imagery sake that you change "right past my open arms" to something above the head of the speaker to keep to the theme you have established. Also, in the last line, I think a different modifier other than a repeat of the word "lost" here could work better and give a more heart felt impact.

i am left standing
wearing a lost look
beckoning (I really like how you have that on a line by itself! It creates emotion and tension!)

Now for the modifier... is she really lost or did the speaker have her at all? Or perhaps you could change the "lost" look. Is the speaker lost or ... perhaps confused? He missed the whole point, so what really is his state of mind?

I like that you use "it breezes" almost as though the speaker is just inches away from his desire...as though it were on the tip of his tongue but not quite there.

Thank you for sharing this, I enjoyed it very much. It's simple yet powerful.



Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

If only I could say as much in so few words

Posted 8 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

So much powerful in such few lines. This poem was amazing. Well done. Can't wait to see what coming up next.

Posted 8 Years Ago


so short but so powerful! good work

Posted 8 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

"like the punchline
of an ill timed joke"
This was such a well used metaphor, I adored it.
This is such a sad poem, yet it is so beautiful and I'm thankful for it's honesty, because it doesn't sugar-coat the truth of your situation.
Great write!
-Cathrine

Posted 9 Years Ago



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Added on June 2, 2010
Last Updated on June 2, 2010

Author

bey
bey

the peach's pit, GA



About
life brings me right back to love. we are squared off, ready to go...toe to toe. obstacles and unfortunate events have rudely opened my eyes to the love i have. family, friends, lovers of old, the.. more..

Writing
lonesome poet lonesome poet

A Poem by bey


her voice her voice

A Poem by bey