Coffee Shop (version 1.0)

Coffee Shop (version 1.0)

A Poem by bpark
"

sipping past the soft cream while my eyes watch this window and the drifts that carry the bitter snow effortlessly past us.

"

sipping past the soft cream

while my eyes watch this window

and the drifts that carry the bitter snow

effortlessly past us.


the room burns with conversation-

philosophies, arguments, theories.

it's the same every night,

that's why we all come back.


the world outside screams for change

as we all lend a feigned ear

and give it what 

we want it to need.


when will somebody truly answer

and leave this place

to take back these morbid streets?

who will save us?


not me.

I'm enjoying this decaf-latte far too much.



by Bryce Parkinson
ranted tirades: a blog


© 2014 bpark


Author's Note

bpark
open to any and all criticism

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Reviews

"It's the same every night, that's why we all come back..."
Amen Amen Amen, I say to you.
Thank you for your words.
I appreciate the simplicity of the complex. You have accomplished this with grace.

Posted 4 Years Ago


A true ending in this poem. The coffee house saviors rarely escape the coffee shop to save the world that don't want to b saved. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

Posted 6 Years Ago


I don't believe you, I feel you did something out of place today, I love you and I am proud of you, Yes i think your words lie, People know you ,and you are a sharing Bryce Parkinson, Sharing more then your name.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Great write! I loved it as is. 'the room burns with conversation- philosophies, arguments, theories.' You give great description & the reader is able to follow along- as if we are there with you.

'not me.
I'm enjoying this decaf-latte far too much.'

I'll take a non decaf ;)


Posted 7 Years Ago


Nice piece! Reword the last line. As it is, it sounds rather abrupt. Keep the line, I am not saying remove it. Just reword it e.g. if you need to add another line before it add it or just reword it without any additions etc. I would work on the structure a bit. For example lines three and four could be combined into one line. The division distorts the flow while reading it. It makes you want to pause before reading the next line when a pause would simply ruin the flow. Other than I have nothing critical to say. Strong piece, just needs some minor restructuring. Also, I would recommend putting this piece a way for a couple of days and re-reading it. Usually giving a piece a couple of days before you rework it can do a whole heaps of good for your writing. Happy Writing!

Posted 7 Years Ago



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3248 Views
5 Reviews
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Added on December 6, 2012
Last Updated on January 11, 2014
Tags: poem, coffee, shop, coffee shop, rantedtirades, jackson, kilgrow, dark, philosophy, mystery, story, epic, long, short, contest, free-verse

Author

bpark
bpark

Salt Lake City, UT



Writing
Three Verbs Three Verbs

A Poem by bpark



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