I'm fine

Am I okay? I’m fine. 

As those words are spilling out of my mouth, I can feel that rope snaked around my chest begin to move. As if that question is connected to the end of my rope, and the second those three words slide off your lips, there's a forceful tug tightening the knot within. I can no longer breathe without reminding myself to do so, but I'm fine. 

 

Am I okay? Ha, yeah. Of course, I’m fine. 

There is now a lump in my throat that catches every word I wish would escape my lips; holding them hostage like a fly in a spider's web. That lump is now the filter to my words, and it chooses which ones get to come out and play, not me. I’m no longer in control of what flies out of my mouth, but I’m fine. 

 

Am I okay? I told you, I’m fine. 

I can feel the waves crashing against the walls of my stomach, and the beads of sweat beginning to roll around my hands. My ears are pits of fire, and I feel the burning in my eyes as the tears do everything that they can to join the party and slide down my face. I am crumbling from the inside out as those three words bulldoze their way around my head; destroying everything I have ever built. But, I’m fine. 

 

Am I okay? No! I am not okay! 

I wish the rope that is coiled around my chest, was wrapped around my neck so that the next time you asked me that question, I wouldn’t have to answer. I wisht the storm in my stomach would pass, extinguishing the burning embers that sit inside my ears, on its way out. I wish the sun would finally come out, drying up the pools of sweat in my palms and the collected tears, damned behind my eyes. I wish the lump in my throat would dislodge itself so I could actually tell you this! But, unfortunately, not all wishes come true; and the next time you ask me that question, I’ll promise you, I’m fine.