You Sailed Away

 

How could I have let things come so far?

 Should’ve seen this coming from afar.

But, I was blinded by this damn, old guitar.

Time I've wasted playing in some stupid ole bar,

Wasting in the shadow, trying to be a star.

Then you sailed away, in that little, yellow car.

Leaving me here alone, always to bear the scar.

 

 Why'd you disappear without any trace?

Leaving no trail, no hope for me to chase.

Now, I find myself alone and all out of place.

So, alone I’ll stay, humbled by disgrace,

with no other body, here for me to embrace.

Nothing I know, could even possibly replace,

The image that I see, your brilliant, shining face.

                                  

I’ve never been so alone, never so sad,

My bleeding heart is no longer iron clad.

It’s now far more frail than a lily-pad.

I'm torn, broken, and oh so sad, not to add,

that alone like this, I’m bound to go mad.

I tasted love, not knowing what I had.

Oh love! I’ve never needed you so bad. 

 

I can't bear to dream, for it feels too real

So, sleep has lost its every appeal.

I can no longer smile, for pain is all I feel.

It cuts so deep, deeper than any steel.

I can barely stand, pain from head to heel,

Yet I realize that pain is there to reveal,

That alone, I cannot survive this ordeal.

 

So, I'll watched you sail away..

Here, alone, doomed I'll stay.

Only to see in shades of grey,

and sit here in this lonely cafe.

 All my thoughts in disarray,

I watch my heart slowly decay

And pray, that there'll be another day.

 

Reviews

[Scott Free]

Wow! I have no doubt now that you, sir, are one of the best poets I have read!
I would only offer this one thing; many of the lines could simply have words switched around so that they fit more with the flow. These are a few examples:
"Definately should've seen this coming from afar."
Maybe 'Definitely should've seen this from afar?"

"But, I was blinded by this damned, old guitar."
Maybe "But I was blinded by this damn old guitar?"
There are a lot of lines like that. What I would suggest, is reading this through *aloud* and seeing if you can rearrange words or change lines or things.
But what I loved was the word-pictures, the great spin on a poem that could've been boring, and basically every second of it. This is going in my favorites.
Kudos, sir, kudos!

Scott

[Lauren Beth]

I really like this one, I loved the use of rhyme...it really worked. You evoke such strong emotion and create great images. Very well done!

[~angelalala~]

i love that last stanza. still a great write, full of melancholy longing. i love the imagery of this person 'sailing away' in a yellow car. the imagery in this poem is great & again, the rhyme is dead-on. great rewrite, & wonderful poem overall.

[~angelalala~]

wow. this is an amazing write. i love the images here.
"I was blinded by this damned old guitar.
Years I wasted playing in some theater or bar
Living in the shadow, thinking I was a star
Until you sailed away, in that little, yellow car" something each person can relate to. so wrapped up inside our own world, we don't realize what we have until it's gone. the rhythm of this poem is perfect. a very sad, emotional, longing write. going in my favorites.

[Amant Cache]

I like it. If I could offer anything constructive, it would be that your stanzas would flow a little better with an added line. So 8 lines instead of 7. Unless of course, there's some hidden meaning behind the number 7 for you. :)

On another note, who's the girl I need to hunt down for making my brother feel this way?