You Sailed Away

 

How could I let things come so far?

I should’ve seen this coming from afar.

 I was blinded by this damned old guitar.

Years I wasted playing in some theater or bar

Living in the shadow, thinking I was a star

Until you sailed away, in that little, yellow car

Leaving my heart all alone, to bleed, then scar.

 

So I watched you sail away

Here, alone, I’m doomed to stay

Only to see in shades of grey

Sitting here in this lonely cafe

With all my thoughts in disarray

I watch my heart slowly decay

And pray, that you’ll return one day

 

You disappeared without a trace,

Leaving no trail, no hope to chase,

I find myself alone and out of place

So, alone I’ll stay, humbled by disgrace

No other body shall I ever embrace

For nothing I’ll ever see, could possibly replace,

The image in my mind of your sweet, gentle face.

                                  

I’ve never been so alone, so sad,

My heart is no longer iron clad

It’s now as frail as the lily-pad

Torn and broken, I have to add

That alone like this, I’m going mad

I tasted love not knowing what I had

Oh love! I’ve never needed you so bad

 

How can I sleep, the dreams are too real

So sleep has lost its every appeal.

How can I smile, when pain is all I feel.

The pain cuts so deep, as if it were steel

How can I stand, with pain in my heel,

I can’t, for pain is there to reveal,

That alone, I will not survive this ordeal.

 

Reviews

[Scott Free]

Wow! I have no doubt now that you, sir, are one of the best poets I have read!
I would only offer this one thing; many of the lines could simply have words switched around so that they fit more with the flow. These are a few examples:
"Definately should've seen this coming from afar."
Maybe 'Definitely should've seen this from afar?"

"But, I was blinded by this damned, old guitar."
Maybe "But I was blinded by this damn old guitar?"
There are a lot of lines like that. What I would suggest, is reading this through *aloud* and seeing if you can rearrange words or change lines or things.
But what I loved was the word-pictures, the great spin on a poem that could've been boring, and basically every second of it. This is going in my favorites.
Kudos, sir, kudos!

Scott

[Gandré]

oh this was wonderful, a line by line great tale, you give lots of story, poetically, you give amillieu that has intrigued people, the troublesome world of dreamers, the big city cop, you wrote this about every young person dream and shattered love, and left alone, I loved this melancholy and your poetic style. Thank you for entering my contest.

[Shanna (Renae)]

I can see why my sis is always saying that your rhymes are spectacular.

I agree with Scott M., your rhythm could be touched up a bit. Truly excellent, though. Explained the cold pain of the narrator's heart with strong emotion.

[Gheeneil]

There are instances when one leaves us while we are still trying to hold on. It breaks our heart into pieces that we don't know how to bring them back together. But when a ray of hope shines upon us, it makes us move on. We may be taking a slow pace but, at least, the journey continues. This piece is sad but it's moving, considering the circumstance at hand. Nice one.

[M. View]

I like this poem nice flow and emotions in it. I think the 7 line stazas flow nice and 8 would just make it like every other one.

good write

[sheerpoetry]

just reading this it almost brought me to tears. It expressess the emotions of a lost love so well, even anyone who's never ever loved could understand the pain of loosing someone after reading this peice. I hope its just poetryand not an actuality for you.

[QuietPoet]

This was such a great write. I loved your rhythm. Very nice.

[Céce]

this is one damn good poem.
wonderful rhythm,
careful and precise sound.

my favorite line is,
I can't bear to dream.
because neither can I.

the use of seven lines woke me up, it is different, almost like a half-sonnet.
hope to read more.

cheers from Jane.

[Erin Was Here.]

Oh my gosh.
New favorite right here.
This is just stunning. I love the rhyming so much! I haven't read many poems with rhyme schemes like this, but I loved the way each word of each stanza rhymed. The last stanza was so friggan gorgeous with the words and imagery you used. AH! This is amazing.

[Texas]

I love the rhyme scheme used. Even if I read the first and last line of each stanza, the message still gets across. And that's not easy to do.