WARM

hiding in my blanketed sanctuary

I make myself small

balled up in the fetal position

clinging onto a pillow

that I hug close to me

sandwiched between my knees

my arms wrapped around it

I imagine the pillow animate

the weight and resistance of a torso

a person to put their arms around me too

when I need it

but my pillow does not obey my wishful thinking

and it is never replaced by a chest that rises and falls

it is only ever a padded rectangle

folded and scrunched and squeezed

in my desolate embrace

I scramble through my memories

sifting through the sensory details

grabbing ahold of the most recent recollection

of a night where I wasn’t alone

and wringing it out again and again

trying to squeeze out the final drops

of tactile sensation

the remaining morsels of comfort

derived from physical affection

I pick out the smallest details

and focus on reconstructing them

as vividly as possible�"

the feeling of his soft, hot breath

kissing my neck and shoulder

whispers color back into my cheeks

I feel the steady rise and fall

of his slowed, sleepy breathing

and the rhythm of life

throbbing in his chest

his arm wrapped around me

draped across my waist and over my chest

the pressure and weight of his legs

tangled with mine

it feels like safety

and I know I need to cherish it

because I won’t have him for long

I turn around in his arms

to open my eyes and study him

I don’t want to forget his lips

or his long eyelashes

when he leaves

I stroke his cheek lightly

running my fingers through his beard

I want to cry

because I needed this so bad

and it will never last

but I put my sadness away

and save it for a lonelier night

when I won’t hear his quiet snore next to me

for when I am alone again

in my arctic tundra bed

frozen to my sheets

and stuck in the cold�"

I want to exist suspended in this moment

these few hours our bodies melted together

and drown in the combined volume

of our collective contentment

I want to always remember you

so when I feel the ice in my core

chilling my bones at night

I have a time to remember

when I finally felt warm