Iron Justice

My very first poem! Got brave, had to try. Not very esoteric, but neither was the situation.

Iron Justice

 

What curse was laid on my DNA

That I should be so small

Would that it was you on the floor

Lookin’ up at me so tall

 

I have simmered and I have fumed

Every day since then

Wishin’ I could change the past

And the fist fight I could win.

 

But know this  all ye fighters

That I am now prepared

The Equalizer, Smith & Wesson

And I have now been paired.

 

Bring your twisted justice

And don’t be so surprised

When me and Smith & Wesson

Make your nightmare realized.

 

I have grown in heart these years

I have grown more wise.

But if you mistake that heart for meek

You’re in for a big surprise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Never wrote a poem outside of English class in high school. I'll get better, I promise. Can't compete with the poetry talent on this site, so consider this Poem 101.

Reviews

[Macciola]

Your acknowledgement of your growth reminds me of myself; I like that a lot! Your passion to regain justice instead of slinking away, as some do, is admirable. I'm glad you feel stronger than you did before and are ready to take on anything.

[mattavelli]

I like it, Carol. Its gritty and has rhythm. Can you take someone's head clean off?

[Carol Cashes]

Only the next m**********r who puts his hands on me! Never again. The worst part is I actually am small - 4'11" and have no chance of physically getting any real "licks" in or escaping. Soooo...yeah. I can...and will.

[mattavelli]

People are crazy. Don't make a mess. Haha

[Carol Cashes]

I was a bartender in six states for a lot of years - I know crazy. I also watch the Investigation Discovery Channel, so I know what to do about DNA transfer, etc. *smirk* If I get a "hanky" feelin' 'bout somebody, I'm out. "Statistic" is no where on my birth certificate...

[Brittany Zedalis]

For your first poem, this was magnificent.

~Luna

[Carol Cashes]

You're very generous. I thank you for taking the time to read this. With a new baby, how do you even hold your eyes open to read? *laughing* Looking forward to reading more of your material.

[Brittany Zedalis]

She's almost 9 months old now, so it's gotten easier, haha. There was a time when she was first born where I was awake for 37 hours straight. I don't know how I did it.

[Carol Cashes]

37 hours! Da-yum! I got lucky - my son was an eat-n-sleep kinda baby. But he made sure I had sleepless nights in later years when he went through a phase when he decided being a juvenile delinquent was the way to success...

[Brittany Zedalis]

Oh geez. Mine is getting her first tooth right now, so we are back to the sleepless nights temporarily. It's still exciting, though. Being a parent is one of the best things in my life right now.

[Richard🖌]

Fannntastic, Carol!
Ya got it goin' good, Gal, with great flow, imagery, emotional pull, a strong and determined story and moral to your message, and you've done it all in your very first poetic effort.
I know poets who have written for a long time who could not match this … you really have what it takes. : )

I love it … keep on packin!
Maintain your piece in clean order, and it won't let you down in a time of need! ⁓ Richard


Here are a few things to consider, learn from, and revise to make this fine poem really sing:
L1, make it "laid" on my DNA
V3L4, make it "And I have now been paired." to improve flow and rhyme properly with L2.
V4L4, consider, "Make" your nightmare realized.

[Carol Cashes]

How did I miss this? I obviously read it, I made all the changes you suggested, but forgot to respond.

At the time of this writing, you have read and reviewed Ode to Writer's Cafe Poets, and I was very happy to see not just accolades, but constructive criticism. I will review again, when I can, for those rewrites I feel would make it better. Thank you for your help, you are a true poet, and a romantic, someone besides the Cafe knows this about you, right?

[Richard🖌]

Many everywhere I've ever been know this about me,… but, they're only guessing! 😉
I love helping those with enough humility and appreciation to take constructive critique positively, and who show great promise.

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Carol Cashes,
Now this was a kick! You have dived into your own wanderings and convinced the reality of power to be given a material presence. This was really fun and I must say very creative and light hearted for something which could be taken pretty seriously.
You say this is a first poem? I say, Impressive!
Blessings to you,
Kathy

[Carol Cashes]

"Kick" I'm laughing as I draw the line between that word and the "kick" a large gun might have...read more"Kick" I'm laughing as I draw the line between that word and the "kick" a large gun might have...
Thanks for reading and thanks for the blessings - I surely need them this day.

[Gee]

"IIIIIIIIIIIII've, just blown in from the windy city, the windy city is mighty pretty, but, ain't got what......."
Put that gun away Calam.
Ain't no competition on here Carol, well, perhaps some see it that way. Just nice to post and have a few reads and comments, be them good, bad or indifferent.

[Carol Cashes]

You're right, it's not a competition and that was the wrong word to use for the author's note. What I shoulda said was "I humbly bring to you this meager offering of rhyme..." You are quite a gracious commenter and this writer appreciates that.

[Gee]

Manners maketh man, or so they say. Nothing worse than the comments proclaiming the piffle you have offered to be brilliant, awesome, just so that you will pop over and review their work.
That said, your work is brilliant , awesome...only joking. Now that seems as though I'm saying your work is rubbish, "KEEP DIGGING"
It is very nice to meet you Carol without an E

[Carol Cashes]

Laughing. I know exactly what you mean. I can take a hit when it's due, and will defend if it's not. I have seen some harsh reviews and if I can, I try to soften the blow a little, but if it's really bad, I just move on...

[emipoemi]

And let me, if I may, be your Poetry 101 editor:

-"What curse was LAIN"
-"And the fist fightS I could win" (more power in the plural, especially since you say "fighters" in the following stanza)
-"MAKE your nightmare(S) realized" (not "bring", and the pluralization of "nightmare" is optional).

Other than that, this reads very well. I'm not sure what Stanza 3 is supposed to be mean (when there's an implication of 3 or 4 entities, and yet you say "pair"), but this is a fun piece, and very motivational for everyone who should find this relatable.....Not bad for a first poem. Well done!

[Carol Cashes]

Thanks for reading. I think I used singular fist fight was I was referring to one incident, and plural for "fighters" for all who might come later. I appreciate the suggestions - I live to learn....

[Carol Cashes]

Second sentence is stupid: I was at work and answered the phone mid-reply. I meant: I think I used singular fist fight as I was referring to...

[emipoemi]

I'm not sure it would matter, since it's not particularly clear....and you as a writer can warp events a bit for dramatic purposes. Plural has more power, especially in the flow in images that you've created for this story.

[emipoemi]

story of the poem, that is

[Carol Cashes]

I see what you're saying. Will look at, re-read and maybe try to make this better, or as a first attempt, just print and hang it on the 'frigerator. There's merit in your suggestions and I agree with your assessment - so.....it's a "C" grade, then, teach?

[Carol Cashes]

I had to laugh..."potential" is the word a young teacher in her first year might say to the parents of a little heathen in her class - "Now, Johnny has potential..." Thank you for the advice and encouragement.

[emipoemi]

You're welcome.....glad I could be of some service (and amusement)

[Michael G.]

Not bad at all for 101. I would have thought it would have been written in a creative writing class. Chris said it well down below. Don't ever get down on yourself. If this is your first time wading in the stream of poetry, you found a good spot to do it. Keep writing.

[Carol Cashes]

Thanks for reading and I will keep trying my hand at poetry. I think I'm a much better story teller, but will wade into the waters here...

[Michael G.]

Good for you. Stay dry.

[Chase Dylan]

I have said it before, the ability to lay out a structured story/statement in poetic form... A talent indeed, one that I applaud... You have wonderful metaphors and raw word-choice... An equalizer of metal and steel, indeed... Well penned...

[Carol Cashes]

Many thanks for reading this, poet, and I appreciate the kind words.

[Jimmy Yetts]

You've convinced me, Carol.
Gonna give you a wide berth.
Plainly stated declaration, poetess!

[Carol Cashes]

"Plainly stated" is what I do all day...every day, much to some people's chagrin. I was surprised I could put anything to rhyme and I'm grateful for the kind words it's received.