A Story by Carol Cashes

It worked


With some of my personal crises beginning to amp up, I felt that writing again was going to be beneficial to my well being and state of mind.  I knew I would have at least two days free, and I was already feeling that I should make a serious, all out effort to write, so I have slept minimum hours and worked this site like pro works her corner!  I felt that my mojo was not gone, but on pause?  Because I understand my thought processes, I knew that I should not set myself up to fail by having any expectations of producing original content.  l could take some of that pressure off my head by throwing myself into reading and reviewing, by making my reviews as insightful and as HONEST as possible, by really thinking each one through:  what is the author’s goal?  Did I react the way the author intended…or did I respond from this barren, rocky surface-of-the-moon place in my head and get it all wrong; each piece I read was a mini-course/seminar to refresh my writing knowledge as well as a test of my perception.

It has been exhilarating to be with my own kind. I, in the physical world have a handful of treasured and dear friends, but there are no writers.  We share values, experiences, beliefs even politics, but I’m the only writer.  This sets me apart in ways that they don’t see (and they are as smart as me because, well, they just are!).  Some of you know about the intense personal issues I have right now and these, too, not so much alienate me but they claim my time and attention.  Add my Dysthymia, that is currently unmedicated because my shrink felt that with my history of fighting to not be broken by events and other people’s buuuullllshit, with the coming hard emotional and physical challenges, I would do better with all my warrior instincts unfettered.  He explained that soldiers are sometimes uneasy in peacetime and are at their best when an “enemy” is at hand.  I gave it thought, and agreed.  Since March, I have worked very hard to monitor and stay on top of my reactions to circumstances and people because…because…suddenly I can’t find the right words to explain this and floundering is not something I do well, if at all.  Okay.  I make decisions, right or wrong, I don’t waffle and dally about…I mentally run through logistics and how I can accomplish or survive whichever the situation calls for and proceed.  There’s time for wailing and flailing about when the crisis has passed, but the very nature of a crisis demands immediate action or at least the decision of which plan of action is the most feasible and prepare.  I have to remind myself, check myself that not every obstacle is a battle or enemy and that I’m responding to normal daily life’s inconveniences in an appropriate manner.  Whew!  I did it.  I’ll be back in a minute.

I have developed my own version of Jedi mind tricks over the past 15 years and some of these have served me well this past year.  For example, I never respond to emotional situations in the moment.  I give myself time and if I still feel I need to take action/say something in 12 to 24 hours…then it’s a valid response.  This means that only a handful of people, AND NOW THE ELITE INTERNATIONAL COLLECTION OF WRITERS OF THE CAFÉ, are even aware that my responses are thoughtful, well considered evaluations of a situation and I have deemed, yeah, I said it - deemed the situation worthy of my time…or not.  It gives me the illusion of control because I know that no one can control everything.  But the illusion is an acceptable placebo, and I swallow it with my Adderall every damn morning.

I have made the case of what I suspected--writing, any writing, is necessary; the leaping and cavorting about with other writers is just fun.

I appreciate all of your participation in my mental health journey.  Please grab a survey from the back table on the left.  Complete the form and mail it to me in the postage paid envelope.  There are cookies and kool-aid -- AHH, settle down, a little trust, yeah?  Anyway, refreshments at the back table on the right and we’ll be in touch.  Drive safely, folks and have a Good Night.



© 2019 Carol Cashes

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Your seas are certainly rough, but your strong will and intrepid spirit will carry you through. I have no writer friends, either. Nor artist friends or guitar playing friends..hey, it's cool.
Just do your best to take care of yourself.

Posted 11 Months Ago

I agree 100 and 10 percent of you just said. this made smile as I read this, I truly know what you are going through. I deal with it almost in the same way. Hell, you should see all the pills I take just to get through the day.

Posted 1 Year Ago

Miz Carol we love your glorious resilience and courage in coping with all that life has confronted you with. You are so honest, strong, humble and unfettered in your amazing ‘confessional’ writing, that you inspire and touch us so deeply. If it’s the Adderall- give me some too so I can try to write like you too-ha! But I know it is not chemical- it is simply Carol Cashes, our soaring phoenix. This write is an example of how wondrously truthful you are. Compelling, analytical, brilliant, insightful, filled with pathos and double-edged humor. I hear your laughter and feel your tears. May God always bless you and yours Sister Carol, and may He continue to walk right by your side, guiding your prodigious pen. Xoxo

Posted 1 Year Ago

I learned a lot from this writing and not just about you. This was an ultimate empathic write and I was nodding to myself all the way through and able to associate so well. And that is down to the honesty that is here in spades and not just the intelligent quality of the writing.

Posted 1 Year Ago

it seems to me you did it your way and you did it good.. an unexpected but rational and thoroughly enjoyed rant if ever there was... Peace & All Good Things, Neville

Posted 1 Year Ago

I think you are one of the coolest people I have met period. I don't know what battles you are fighting but I am in your corner. I have fought through some nasty emotional crisis's and i understand it is never easy. Without putting on my angel wings(St Michael gave me his old pair), You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
I am thrilled to have met you and look forward to sharing works with you.
4 year Halo letter man,
Richie b.

Posted 1 Year Ago

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6 Reviews
Added on January 3, 2019
Last Updated on January 3, 2019


Carol Cashes
Carol Cashes

Biloxi, MS

I'm very cynical, jaded, just this side of bitter and the only reason I haven't crossed that line is a good man loves me. I am extremely empathetic, but seldom sympathetic. I can be a ferociously lo.. more..


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