AN OPEN LETTER TO ALEXANDER J A CORTES

If Mr Cortes is serious about his 12 Rules For A Woman to be Beautiful...his pickin's are slim. If he did it for his "15 min." he's even lower or the food chain.

*On CafeMom.com is an article about this man's 12 Rules For Women to be Beautiful.  I just laughed...until I read his remark that so far no one had been able to logically refute is "Rules".  Then it was Game On, and buckle up, b***h, I'm good at this s**t*

OPEN LETTER TO ALEXANDER J A CORTES

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

When I read Mr. Cortes’ 12 Step Guide for Women “How To Be Beautiful”, I laughed.   When I read his remark that he has yet to hear any viable arguments that refutes these “rules”, I knew I had to respond.  This rebuttal will cross reference each rule - one to another - as it is as contradictory and contrary as the infamous Mary (quite contrary!) and her garden.

Let me begin by correctly identifying Mr. Cortes:  he is a fetishist, plain and simple:

Definition of fetishism

 

1: belief in magical fetishes

2: extravagant irrational devotion

3: the pathological displacement of erotic interest and satisfaction to a fetish

 

fetish:  An object thought to have magical, especially magically sexual, powers 
A sexual fixation or obsession with a usually non-sexual object. EX. socks, horses, monkeys, pain, bondage

 

 Craig’s List would have garnered more genuine interest by like-minded women:   50’s style housewives whose Bibles are Good Housekeeping, House and Garden and Vogue and the rest of us, whose *ahem* interests lie in other directions could have rolled our eyes (it takes all kinds, eh?) and washed that freak a*s right outta of our hair.  I feel obligated to point out and fully explain each and every point rebutting his “Rules” for all women to be “beautiful”.

 

1.     Be Thin.  Firstly, Mister Cortes, one must define “thin.”  Thigh gap?  Visible ribs?  Athletic?  Boyish?  An intelligent, caring man would desire a healthy woman.  All women have a genetic profile, one that follows them throughout their lifetime - as do men.  Some men will never be body builders and some women will never be “thin” in the sense I suspect you meant it.  I can understand a PERSON, male or female preferring a fit, healthy mate…but thin?  Mr. Cortes, as this is the #1 Rule on your list, I can only assume that once that has been established as a never-gonna-be-this-broad, you are dismissive and continue your search for the Stepford wife.

 

2.     Be Able to Cook.  Cook what?  Gourmet?  Italian?  Like your mother?  Let’s refer back to Rule #1:  Be Thin.  Since you omitted any participation on your part in this detailed mating dance, one might assume that this “beautiful, thin woman” cooks two meals, unless of course, your dining preferences are simple:  Keto, Organic, Paleo, Wheat-a-bix, or even What-the-hell, (your fantasy, you choose).  And, if this is, in fact, how that scenario will play out (*snort* Good Luck), you have narrowed down your dating pool considerably.   

 

3.                I will address #3 in conjunction with #9.  I’m jumping straight ahead to Rules #4, #5, #9, and #10:

 

4.                 Wear Make Up   Make up that is carefully and, probably skillfully, applied by your live Stepford doll is neither practical…or, more importantly to you, pretty.  Whippin’ up delectable goodies to appeal to your no doubt eclectic and sumptuous menu demands require an actual oven or stove is used during food preparation, and I can promise you that while science has brought the anti-perspirant business to the level of miracle drugs, I’ve not met any woman yet who applies deodorant to her face.

 

5.                 Be Feminine  I would imagine that remaining “feminine” is  difficult to maintain while juggling hot pans, stirring steaming sauce, checking the oven, poppin’ the cork on your favorite vino - all in between trips to the ladies room to check that her make up isn’t running down her “thin” face and gathering into the hollows of her visible collar bones. Sweating and (most likely swearing) I’m told is not very lady-like…and I have always struggled to connect the dots that tie “lady” and “feminine” as synonyms. I’m sure you’d like to explain it to me, but it’s pretty low on my list of s**t to ponder…

 

6.                #9 - Be Fashionable  With the sweatin’ and the panting from the multi-tasking (especially those jogs to check for melting foundation, eyeliner and mascara) the potential for clothing disasters grows exponentially:   if I stained or otherwise ruined a $50.00 blouse, or $100 pair of perfectly tailored pants (are pants even allowed in your world?) while cooking your meal and preparing my meager portions of lettuce and chicken breast…or kale…or whatever you deem is necessary for me to be thin and maintain vital signs - I can assure that it would be Game Over without your handing over an unlimited credit line at the high-dollar clothing store of my choosing.   But let’s further evaluate “cooking”, “thin”, and “fashionable”.  The “men behind the curtains” of fashion have finally figured out that most of their clothes are not flattering on the majority of the female population and have embraced elegant, even striking styles that take all body types into consideration.  That makes “thin” a minority, and…yup!  Dating Pool continues to shrink.

 

7.#10 - Wear Pink and Other Feminine Colors  *sigh*  your specificity in your rules compel me to expand on this rule and its relation to #’s 4, 5, and 9.  I apologize to the other readers for detailing the logistics that would seem obvious to us lowly plebians, but it appears that Mr. Cortes is unaware of the undeniable - nay!  Inescapable connection these items share. As I stated before, one of the most important aspects of being fashionable is wearing flattering clothing and, by the very definition of “flattering”, includes colors.  Not everyone can wear pink, or whatever other colors you have deemed “feminine”.  As for myself, it clashes horribly with my Blue Envy tresses laced with Midnight Jade undertones. My hair is beautiful - very long and very thick (Hey! I got #3!), in fact, I’ve been told it’s “Mermaid-ish” and/or “Peacock” in color that changes from blue to green when it moves. All I know is it really makes my blue eyes “pop” and complements my fair complexion, AND I can now wear the jewel tones I adore…THAT. I. ADORE.  It also tells anyone who takes notice that I’m interesting, creative, and unafraid - and I am much more likely to attract a man who is intelligent, respectful of obvious boundaries I have (NO ONE tells me how to fix my hair!) has a sense humor, especially about himself and more importantly, waaaay more interested in me as a companion and what would be fun or enjoyable for us to do - TOGETHER.  He is someone who will ask what I like to do, will readily admit if it’s not something he likes, but will make at least one effort, just in case doing it with me makes all the difference in the world.  I, in turn, will wholeheartedly do the same.  Tit for Tat…so to speak.

 

This brings us to #6:  Be Graceful  Are YOU graceful, Mr. Cortes? Can you mamba, waltz, ribbon dance?  If your thin, fashionable Julia Childs / Rapunzel is graceful…and you are not, she will be hard put to remain so while dodging your stumbles and trips - to say nothing of her beautiful Donna Karan or Vera Wang frock that you just spilled red wine on,

 

7. Be Sensual  I’m laughing my normal-sized a*s off and tossing my peacock/turquoise tresses back as I crack my knuckles and flex my neck to address this one.  Imagine, if you will, the weak (from hunger), exhausted, now bi-polar manic depressive you’ve created who is still trying to meet all your demands and has made it to “sensual”.  I think I can, with a reasonable amount of certainty, assure you that she is fantasizing about slowly, oh, so slowly, removing your pants, running her manicured nails down the sides of your hips, and… grabbing your precious testicles like they are the only lifejacket on the boat and it’s going down.  Think pitpull…or better yet, snapping turtle, and then enjoy her grace and feminine charms while she performs her special version of ribbon dancing…

 

8. Shave (Should Without Saying)  While I do shave my legs and my armpits, for MY convenience and comfort, my husband does not have a problem either way.  But then, he respects my boundaries concerning my personal grooming habits (because I’m clean and healthy) and if I’m too tired for the grace and balance required to shave my legs in my quick shower to remove the sweat that poured out of me as I cared for my dying mother, two large dogs and my disabled Veteran spouse who has had 14 surgeries since 2004 - eight in the last nine months, well, he just tucks the covers around my feet, finger combs my hair, and within minutes is snoring like a mutant human buzzsaw.  I.  Love.  Him.  So.  Much.

 

#11 - Love Men   I do love men.  Good men are to be respected, admired, cherished and adored.  They are protectors, by virtue of physical strength, size, etc., and fixers of stuff. They are problem solvers, which, of course, as every woman knows is intolerable if the problem is an emotional or social one, but as for figuring out how to get the new refrigerator around two tight corners and in the space I incorrectly measured before we purchased this marvel that keeps both healthy and junk food safely cool, well, he’s a freakin’ genius.  And I like smart men…most smart women do.  I also love men because they are like Great Dane puppies:  adorable, so cute!  That is until they jump up with their muddy paws and mess up your favorite jeans, then you’re yelling at the nearest kid “Somebody put this damn dog in the yard, for God’s sake, look!  Look!  My best jeans…that s**t better come out!”.  An hour later, you’re outside smooching their adorable face.  Just like your favorite man…

 

#12 - Listen to Men I was a bartender for twenty years in six states and I’ve listened to a lot of men.  Many, too many, are sweet, gullible, naïve, and their hearts break in as many pieces as any woman’s, if not more, when betrayed.  I say more because they can’t call their friends and cry and drink wine or think of  Lifetime Movie worthy plots against the offending parties.  They shuffle in after work, drink their on-tap draft beer, maybe two, and go home to whatever pound dog the ex refused to touch or even feed,  but who adores their master and lives for the moment he comes home to the silent, dark place he calls home.  They heat up their pork and beans in the microwave or slap a ham sandwich together, shower, watch some series about Alaskan Gold or livin’ nekkid in the woods, fall asleep on the couch and start their unbearably lonely existence the next day.  My heart wanted to fall in love with every single one of these overweight, overworked, homely, but sweet, oh! sooo sweet, generous, compassionate men.  It made me want to represent the best of our sex - however small the gesture, it was special to these men.  Small things like remembering their birthday, their kids’ names,  noticing haircuts, ordering pizza and “oops!  I accidently got a large - you gotta help me eat this thing!”  And of course, asking them to fix something…I’m practically a licensed plumber, but…men need to be needed and that is actually one of their easiest needs to fulfill.  Especially for someone like myself who, during those periods in my life when I had no boyfriend/husband, I took care of the s**t myself.  It’s nice when someone else gets their hands dirty, who wants to get their hands dirty - for you.  That’s caring, providing, protecting, all of the best of the masculine traits…

 

You do NOT represent the majority of the men I’ve known, and I’ve known hundreds.  You, sir, (I use that term loosely at this point) are a selfish man-child who has a fetish for a Stepford Wife.  Nothing wrong with that, ain’t mad attcha.  Hey, back in the day, I could get my freak on like nobody’s business, I don’t judge, but be honest with yourself and post your cute little set of rules in the numerous venues now available that cater to any and all fetishes and sexual proclivities. 

 

 

Author's Note

I was itchin' for a fight and there he was...it felt practically karmic his appearance at the very time I needed a "warm body"...so to speak.

Reviews

[Neville]

Sometimes I have used the word f**k, or f*****g in my poems.. Maybe more often in my would be novel or short stories and only when I have thought it through and I think it appropriate.. I have never used the term that so many seem to find offensive gratuitously, or just for convenience sake..

In my mind, the term when used to emphasise a point is perfectly acceptable providing kids/children are not around.. although I dunno why I am so picky when most four year olds these days can swear like a Victorian sailor and in at least three different languages.... Anyway.. I digress please note how I avoided adding an unnecessary four letter expletive just them :)..

What I really wanted to say is this.. Mr. Alexander J.A Cortes I dont know you from Adam but I reckon you must be either of a different time and planet.. or a total twat.. I can't remember using that term before ever even... On the other hand, Ms. Miss or Mrs, Carol Cashes seems to have her finger firmly placed on the pulse of reality and has just done her gender a f*****g favour to be f*****g proud of ....

[Carol Cashes]

Awww, now, now, Neville. Mr. Cortes was just confused about where he should post his ad. After all, as you so clearly pointed out, only a twat would actually believe his requirements should/could be taken seriously by anyone with different/hell-no-opposite sexual appetites. Hopefully, he got the email for the personals at Craigslist and is living the life of...Wally Cleaver (?) as we speak.

Never apologize for thinking that swearing is not for kids - it's not. I told my son that I could cuss any f*****g time I wanted to, I'm an adult. Unfortunately for him, his life sucks because I'm his mom and I ain't havin' it, Life's Not Fair Seminars started Pre-K in my house.

"Done my gender proud?" **craaaap! Knew I shoulda put a make up on this morning** **AHEM** aaannd with the Miss America hand-wave, she exit stage left.

[Neville]

is craaaap a cuss word too

[Carol Cashes]

Depends, honey, are we in church or dining with the preacher? No and no? Then...no.

[Neville]

I take it thats a no then

[Carol Cashes]

*direct stare over my bifocals to see if I missed something* Yeessssss...that's a no.

[Neville]

I was kinda hoping it might be.. it has been a long day after all and I feel a headache coming on...

[alanwgraham]

This is great Carol - a very witty and clever take on the battle between the sexes. I'm sure it's written tongue in cheek but there's more than a little truth here. Perhaps a male right of reply is in order but I'm not volunteering. One thing is certain, the Ad men have a big finger in this pie. Lots of great description and images in this - I really love it.
All the best.
Alan

[Carol Cashes]

Hmmm...battle? Tongue-in-Cheek? RRPLY?!

Hold up, I gotta add in your points for politeness and courtesy ("All the best") **mutter**mutter**

*AHEM* Okay, i was dead-a*s serious with this response to what should have been a 2 to 3 minute read on my phone...and we're scrolling...and GONE! But, Mr. Cortes very blatantly and, quite frankly, abused his throw-down-the-gauntlet card with his "so far, no refutes" ignorant-a*s statement and I think maybe they let him skip a few grades in elementary school instead holding him back a few. *raised eyebrow in conspiratory you-know-what-I-mean"

I did not forget the bonus points for being the first to review this piece that was posted March of this year.

Aaannd that gives you a grand total of Let-Your-Wife-Read-This and we'll see if she uses the same keywords (battle, tongue-in-cheek, REPLY) that you did.

And this, Dear Mr. Graham was most definitely (for the most part) tongue-in-cheek. **really not kidding about letting your wife read..**

Took a quick peek at profile. I have been on family emergency leave the past three months, so to speak, but am looking forward to reading your work.

With fondest regards,

Miz Carol