Car Crash

Car Crash

A Poem by Christine Anne Shaw
"

(when it isn't possible to juggle anymore and yet ...)

"
Most days I long for my Mum.
How can that be when I'm as busy
as a working bee, flitting about
for my own family, taking care
of all their needs?

While she is five counties to the West,
sitting in the same blue chair
in her nursing home of three years
staring blankly at four walls
locked inside her wandering thoughts.

I am caught in the headlights
between a cliff edge and a brick s**t house
that's a tough place to be permanently.
I visit when I can, take turns
with two sisters.

Though in reality my guts are twisted
my heart torn by guilt and my home
full to the brim with others.
In any case I couldn't give
her the level of care she requires.

Some days I can't even pick up the phone
because I fear hearing her cry out
or her distant voice moaning continually
about the food or she becomes
rude in her new self which is alien
to me.

Yes, some days I pick up the receiver
and before I have fully dialled,
my smile is erased, snuffed out 
as back it goes into its cradle.

Then I curse myself
for not being able to carry out a simple task,
asking myself why can't I do better.
Then out comes pen, paper and stamps
while I compose her a letter.

I love my Mum.

© 2019 Christine Anne Shaw


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Featured Review

you do love her Christine ... i feel this turmoil of soul and deepening sadness .. when we take care of our parents in such a state it is so difficult .. guilt .. desire to help ... helpless ... a stranger has taken me Ma :( ... holds her captive .. we grieve that loss .. and we try to prepare for that physical death ... I am so empathetic with you ... I am a RN, retired ... but as my own Ma slipped slowly away into Alzheimer's I was fortunate enough to be able to care for her (for about 10yrs) in our home .. such a struggle to adjust as she adjusted ... finding and keeping the help I needed to help with her ... oh I know this place you are in very well ... but you are doing all you can ... and from this poem one can tell your relationship with your mom was maintained through the years .. when it counted ... so many families don't have even that ... as they break .. into ill repair :( a big hug .. best prayers of support for you and yours .. and comfort for you Mum ... thank you for sharing this obviously very personal part of your life .. so honestly .. its stunning in the impact I feel
E.

Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

kathy rivers

4 Months Ago

wow..i'm only 16 and i can't even begin to understand what you all are going through... but i think .. read more
Christine Anne Shaw

4 Months Ago

Thank you Kathy for your visit and prayers.
kathy rivers

4 Months Ago

it is really no problem...i am quite sure that y'all would do the same for me.



Reviews

Wow Chris first thing out of the gate I love that you shared this feeling. I so identify with it and honestly i do much the same thing only my editor tells me don't call she cant hear most of the time and its frustrating i sort of adopted her she isn't my mother but I have for many years taken care of her but two years ago she had to go to a home she kept falling and I had the unfortunate task of moving her to a safer place I try to visit her once a week but some weeks I cant muster the energy she isn't happy about losing her independence and rightfully so and of course I am the brunt of her angst a role I do not cherish but accept... :)

Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

5 Months Ago

Dear Bunny, thank you for sharing your story with me. So many of us are going through similar. It's .. read more
such a heart tugging read, so full of emotion

Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

5 Months Ago

Thank you Kesch. Always appreciate your visits.

Chris
Funny how incidents/situations in life can resemble in our lives. My mum had Parkinson's and was in hospital for a while and feelings and emotions tally there. Takes us back to when youth was the flavour of the day!

Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

5 Months Ago

When youth was flavour of the day kitty, we certainly didn't have to agonize over our parents. Sadly.. read more
kitty

5 Months Ago

Nice to share thoughts and feelings!
Chris - having come to know you through your writings I know that you are a loving caring soul. Be that as it may there is only so much that you can do, that you can be expected to do. I'm sure you are and have gone far beyond what anyone might expect of you. I told you that I visit a couple of gentlemen in a healthcare facility. I see many other patients there who are in dire need for someone to come and visit them. I'm sure you would love to be able to see you mom more, but I'm positive that when she sees you she is delighted.

Take care - Dave

Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

5 Months Ago

Thank you Dave. My mum isn't short of visitors as my step Dad calls in each day. It's just that I c.. read more
Dave

5 Months Ago

You are much more than welcome.

Take care - Dave
so heart breaking to be torn like this but sometimes we are needed right where we are.
and it's hard to witness the slow deterioration of a loved one. I watched this happen with my grandparents.


Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

5 Months Ago

It can be so difficult juggling and trying to get a balance. Many thank yous Edie for your compassio.. read more
Very well written! emotional

Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

5 Months Ago

Thank you for visiting my page Mustafa and leaving a review. Greatly appreciated.

Chr.. read more
don`t beat your self up,,we took care of my mother in law,it took all of us
i don`t regret it but it was a great effort

Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

5 Months Ago

Thank you Ron for sharing. I. Appreciate your visit.

Chris
 wordman

5 Months Ago

you`re welcome chris,she will be fine
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DAH
A heartfelt poem. I understand. I've been there.
All that we can do is to keep pushing, stay focused, keep smiling
and think of our parents with love and only love.

Peace and Light, Christine,
DAH

Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

5 Months Ago

Thank you DAH for both your visit and sharing. Appreciated.

Chris
DAH

5 Months Ago

My pleasure!
dear Chris, I wish if You didn't send Your Mum this deeply heartfelt poem yet that soon You will. though I'm not in Your place but I understand and feel all Your strong emotions, from guilt to the nostalgia for the past, the little girl in You yearning for her Mum's warmth, I read before from You a poem about Your Mum, and I believe You have more, imagine how happy she would be if she knew about them all, I can imagine that...

though it's hard but don't feel guilty, I know as You know that You would give Your all if she was near, and have comfort dear Chris, that where she is, she is having a warm company from those whom are around her and the same as her, they understand each other and share their feelings together.

Posted 5 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

5 Months Ago

Dear Light, your words touched my heart and brought me some peace when I was restless. Thank you for.. read more
Light🌟

5 Months Ago

I pray that Peace will always fill Your heart dear Chris.

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Added on September 11, 2019
Last Updated on September 11, 2019

Author

Christine Anne Shaw
Christine Anne Shaw

Berkshire, United Kingdom



About
Have been at Writerscafe for a year now, so pleased I made the change to posting my work here. Have loved reading poetry all my life, but never wrote my first poem until I hit 40. I wish now that I.. more..

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