Car Crash

Car Crash

A Poem by Christine Anne Shaw
"

(when it isn't possible to juggle anymore and yet ...)

"
Most days I long for my Mum.
How can that be when I'm as busy
as a working bee, flitting about
for my own family, taking care
of all their needs?

While she is five counties to the West,
sitting in the same blue chair
in her nursing home of three years
staring blankly at four walls
locked inside her wandering thoughts.

I am caught in the headlights
between a cliff edge and a brick s**t house
that's a tough place to be permanently.
I visit when I can, take turns
with two sisters.

Though in reality my guts are twisted
my heart torn by guilt and my home
full to the brim with others.
In any case I couldn't give
her the level of care she requires.

Some days I can't even pick up the phone
because I fear hearing her cry out
or her distant voice moaning continually
about the food or she becomes
rude in her new self which is alien
to me.

Yes, some days I pick up the receiver
and before I have fully dialled,
my smile is erased, snuffed out 
as back it goes into its cradle.

Then I curse myself
for not being able to carry out a simple task,
asking myself why can't I do better.
Then out comes pen, paper and stamps
while I compose her a letter.

I love my Mum.

© 2019 Christine Anne Shaw


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Featured Review

you do love her Christine ... i feel this turmoil of soul and deepening sadness .. when we take care of our parents in such a state it is so difficult .. guilt .. desire to help ... helpless ... a stranger has taken me Ma :( ... holds her captive .. we grieve that loss .. and we try to prepare for that physical death ... I am so empathetic with you ... I am a RN, retired ... but as my own Ma slipped slowly away into Alzheimer's I was fortunate enough to be able to care for her (for about 10yrs) in our home .. such a struggle to adjust as she adjusted ... finding and keeping the help I needed to help with her ... oh I know this place you are in very well ... but you are doing all you can ... and from this poem one can tell your relationship with your mom was maintained through the years .. when it counted ... so many families don't have even that ... as they break .. into ill repair :( a big hug .. best prayers of support for you and yours .. and comfort for you Mum ... thank you for sharing this obviously very personal part of your life .. so honestly .. its stunning in the impact I feel
E.

Posted 4 Days Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

4 Days Ago

Thank you for your empathy Mr E. Living two hundred miles away, with four grandchildren living with.. read more
Einstein Noodle

3 Days Ago

oh my goodness Chris ... so much on your plate .. niggly guilt won't leave us alone :( this is my so.. read more



Reviews

so heart breaking to be torn like this but sometimes we are needed right where we are.
and it's hard to witness the slow deterioration of a loved one. I watched this happen with my grandparents.


Posted 1 Day Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

15 Hours Ago

It can be so difficult juggling and trying to get a balance. Many thank yous Edie for your compassio.. read more
Chris, I have started to review this write a few times, but could not finish. A very tender topic for me too. For very different reasons I think. What I want to offer is this. We all do the best we can. Getting to know your generous heart even if just here at the cafe, I would say that you go above and beyond for those you care about. It is obvious that you love your Mum. Hugs for your anguish, for I know it. I also know that not much will soothe it. Bubble baths and lullabies as you imagine her being cradled and vice versa. After all, you are both innocent children walking each other home. Much love, Ruby

Posted 1 Day Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

15 Hours Ago

Dear Ruby, it was so kind of you to leave a response to this write and I appreciate your own reasons.. read more
Very well written! emotional

Posted 1 Day Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

15 Hours Ago

Thank you for visiting my page Mustafa and leaving a review. Greatly appreciated.

Chr.. read more
don`t beat your self up,,we took care of my mother in law,it took all of us
i don`t regret it but it was a great effort

Posted 2 Days Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

1 Day Ago

Thank you Ron for sharing. I. Appreciate your visit.

Chris
 wordman

1 Day Ago

you`re welcome chris,she will be fine
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DAH
A heartfelt poem. I understand. I've been there.
All that we can do is to keep pushing, stay focused, keep smiling
and think of our parents with love and only love.

Peace and Light, Christine,
DAH

Posted 2 Days Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

1 Day Ago

Thank you DAH for both your visit and sharing. Appreciated.

Chris
DAH

1 Day Ago

My pleasure!
dear Chris, I wish if You didn't send Your Mum this deeply heartfelt poem yet that soon You will. though I'm not in Your place but I understand and feel all Your strong emotions, from guilt to the nostalgia for the past, the little girl in You yearning for her Mum's warmth, I read before from You a poem about Your Mum, and I believe You have more, imagine how happy she would be if she knew about them all, I can imagine that...

though it's hard but don't feel guilty, I know as You know that You would give Your all if she was near, and have comfort dear Chris, that where she is, she is having a warm company from those whom are around her and the same as her, they understand each other and share their feelings together.

Posted 2 Days Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

1 Day Ago

Dear Light, your words touched my heart and brought me some peace when I was restless. Thank you for.. read more
Light

1 Day Ago

I pray that Peace will always fill Your heart dear Chris.
Much like you, Chris, my mum is in a nursing home. She'll be 95 come November and has suffered with dementia the past several years. Nearly lost her to pneumonia in June, but she has bounced back. Most visits are an adventure...she is not always cognizant of time or surroundings and most assuredly dwells in the past where I'm sure it is nice to be with her mom...long since deceased.
Physically she is present...mentally, not so much. Still, she is mum.

Take care friend.

Posted 2 Days Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

1 Day Ago

Dear Ted, I appreciate you sharing your own mum with me. Thank you so much.

Chris
This is a very strong and honest piece of writing Christine. As you have so eloquently described it is a heartbreaking condition and there are no easy answers that don't involve anguish. You will connect with many here that don't involve feelings of guilt.
All the best.
Alan

Posted 2 Days Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

2 Days Ago

Thank you Alan for your thoughtful and understanding response. Yes, it can cause heartache.
<.. read more

This is seriously a most amazing poem that many will very easily relate to I am sure. And your love for your Mum is evident throughout.

Neville

Posted 2 Days Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

2 Days Ago

Many thanks Neville. That guilt is surely a destructive force when it sets in. I appreciate your tho.. read more
It is tough when we feel we can't do enough for our loved ones in need, especially the our parents who took care of us for years. I understand where you are coming from. I am sure all that you do do is appreciated.

Posted 3 Days Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Christine Anne Shaw

2 Days Ago

Thank you Dale for your understanding, most appreciated.

Chris

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Added on September 11, 2019
Last Updated on September 11, 2019

Author

Christine Anne Shaw
Christine Anne Shaw

Berkshire, United Kingdom



About
Have been at Writerscafe for a year now, so pleased I made the change to posting my work here. Have loved reading poetry all my life, but never wrote my first poem until I hit 40. I wish now that I.. more..

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