A Poem by alienated.aquarius

pretty sure my next door neighbor molested me when i was 7 or 8...sometimes your brain does funny things to help put the puzzle together, sometimes it holds memories hostage


Stuck in the nostalgic nooks of my brain

Like psychic attacks

I’m overly sensitive, I know

But I’ve been trying so hard since I left

I flinch when she says the word ‘trauma’

Like it never occurred to me.

Either my brain is my best friend

Or a bully.

It keeps secrets from me

Won’t allow me to regress

Maybe it’s why I only remember

Fractals of moments and why

I can’t remember most

Of my childhood

But I can recall most of the times

I’ve cut, cried, and coughed up

Midnight snacks.

I think it’s a way of

Trying to salvage some sanity

By protecting me

From a perverse invasion.


I remember turtles.

Have I been in a fugue state since?

It would definitely explain

Everything else. 

Poetry chapbook 'Sonder' now available on Amazon!

© 2019 alienated.aquarius

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i was sexually molested as a child too. it also did some funny stuff to my brain. i can't really remember any of my childhood either because it all got repressed, then i did a s**t-ton of drugs as a teenager to scramble my brain further and forget it even more. so you're not alone. this has actually happened to a lot of us, but so many people are ashamed to admit it.

"perverse invasion" sounds exactly like what it was. afterwards i was always the weird/different kid, and that affected me for life. i've never been the same since. but ironically i'm happier than most people because i learned how to deal with it: drinking alcohol and traveling, because other places don't have the abusive people i grew up with, so i learned to love strangers and other cultures. i've never been hurt anywhere i travel to, i've only been hurt in the three-block radius that i grew up in.

Posted 2 Months Ago

Intriguing. You bring so much power into your poetry.

Posted 2 Months Ago

Wonderful write ;-] Expressed well. Childhood days are forever within a portion of one's brain. Weather we know it or not. its buried deep into its veins ;-]

Posted 2 Months Ago

Honest and vivid. it's true that people block the past because it can act as a protective barrier

Posted 2 Months Ago

Start where you are and go on- be here now is the best place to be - u are u and beautiful your past is not you your mistakes are not you you are here and now and be the best that you are- believe in the best is yet to come 🌹

Posted 2 Months Ago

Wow.. This is good :) I love it!

Posted 2 Months Ago

This is beautiful share in its rawness & honesty (what we've come to expect from you, but still even a bit more probing & intensely introspective than usual). I have a vivid visual film running in my mind about how my abuse looked & felt, even tho it was well over 50 years ago. Some people block it out & that's hard for me to imagine, but I know it's true. Thanks for showing us how this feels when it happens. I have blocked out much of my childhood, but the abuse is so vivid still. I'm very proud of you for having such a healthy attitude about your own healing journey (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 2 Months Ago

I'm sorry...I had a friend...That's one of the most horrible things someone can do, and that can happen to someone. It makes me lose faith in people, lose trust.
the poem made me ache, it's good when poems can make you feel something.

Posted 2 Months Ago

Wow, this speaks volumes, loud, emotional, heartfelt and so sincere. Just like a turtle, it has a hard shell to protect us and keep us safe. And to hide us from the world that hurts us. Let alone ourselves at times. And like you said our own minds are the biggest demons to us all.

Posted 2 Months Ago

turtles have a shell to protect themselves...box turtles can close up entirely....
sometimes we have that shell that protects us from memories we prefer not to swim into.
I had a very close friend who just blocked it out...she had suffered abuse from her father...but just couldn't go there, not even in therapy...
a really powerful write,

Posted 2 Months Ago

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11 Reviews
Added on July 29, 2019
Last Updated on July 29, 2019
Tags: poem, poetry, poet, depression, mental health, sexual assault, molestation, rape, anxiety, trauma



Buffalo, NY

Hi! I'm Catie. i write things (poems, fiction, blogs/articles) and try to publish them. i love chasing waterfalls and sunsets. i was born at a very young age. i can pick things up with my toes. i'm ob.. more..


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