Full Moon Feelings

Full Moon Feelings

A Poem by alienated.aquarius

When the weed and wine wear off

And you’re left with yourself

Wondering how much a life is worth

Nothing works and

The thoughts always win

No one wants you around

So it wouldn’t be so bad

Six feet underground

How can I create something meaningful

If I don’t mean much to most people

Just swallow enough substance

To get you through tonight.

I became the person I swore I would never be,

Who allowed chemicals to control me.

 

I’m sick of never feeling satisfied

Either happy to live

Or can’t wait to die

Walking contradiction, I am.

My brain, a bully cloaked in honesty

Somewhere in between I can’t live like this

And this is the only way to live.

 

But I want to say I’m sorry

To the skin I’ve sliced

That has always held me together

To the hair I’ve abused and burned

To my asthmatic lungs fighting for air

You work so hard to make sure I don’t die

And only half of my brain is on my side

The other won’t let me live.

Why do I numb myself

when all I want is to feel something?

How ungrateful and unproductive it is

To hate myself.

 

Obsessive scenes replaying

In this blockbuster brain

Of poorly strung indie movies

Waiting for thoughts to pass,

Happiness to come,

Red lights to turn green

Incomes to increase.

Break out of this monotonous routine

Of just watching and writing

More time, more waiting

Work, sleep, repeat,

Wasting time getting wasted

Wanting more

To be just a consumer

Is such a waste.

 

I may not have been through a lot

And maybe that’s the trauma talking

But I can’t help but soak up the suffering

Of loved ones and strangers

I push the pain out and make room for more

Trying to make it all mean something

Our purpose is not just to die.

Poetry chapbook 'Sonder' now available on Amazon!

© 2019 alienated.aquarius


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Reviews

That was just...WOW. I am almost speechless, I loved how raw and truthful your poem was and I appreciate you sharing with us.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


I like how you visualize this feeling of knowing it is not worth what you are doing, yet the aren't anything else you could do. Cause nothing is actually worth. And those which you believe is really meaningful and precious are the ones that leave you back there - meaninglessness, and more so than ever.

Posted 1 Month Ago


This poem reminded me a lot of my inner thoughts and battles with depression. I really do hope you choose to push through this instead of allowing yourself to be contempt with the purgatory that has been bestowed on our lives. Check out my poem "Bloody Violin." It reminds me of this write. While it was violent, I conquered all the same thoughts. Happiness is a blessing to have in my life now. I wish the same for you.

Posted 1 Month Ago


We're a living contradiction, kind of like Persephone: she's the goddess of spring and the queen of the Underworld at the same time. A mysterious spiritual braiding. Great work! :)

Posted 1 Month Ago


Your emotions flow through like a blues song, conflicted in many ways. Life should flow more smoothly. Thanks for sharing your emotions. May life be better for you.

Posted 1 Month Ago


It seems we are all conflicted in one way or another. Well stated and meaningful. Thank you for sharing.

Posted 1 Month Ago


I dont know why but this poem reminds me of a song, "You matter to me," from the musical 'Waitress.' There's a part when she speaks to her unborn baby and says:

"Dear baby:
I hope someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight
They don't pull away, they don't look at your face
And they don't try to kiss you
All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight without an ounce of selfishness in it
I hope you become addicted, baby
I hope you become addicted to sayin' things
And having them matter to someone."

Especially those last three line. They really touched me. I'm guessing this poem comes from your own experience. I've been there myself. In a dark place, confused, feeling undeserving and abandoned. It was very very hard to beat my demons, and the worst part is you never truly win. It's a battle to battle basis type of thing. Sometimes they win. Sometimes I fall back to that place. Sometimes all I can think about is how tired I am, and how much I need a drink. And the drink is not for me, it's for them, to drown them, right? The smoke to cloud them. But hey, you matter, and I do too. The fact that you can write things like this and make others relate to the deepest sides of you is proof of that. I hope you don't always let them win. They don't deserve victory, you do

Posted 1 Month Ago


This is a great poem, as yours always are. The thing that stands out to me is how you seem to be throwing down a non-stop barrage of deep heavy powerful observations, but your delivery is so factual & calm-sounding, such juxtapositions between content & delivery, I really enjoy. Another point is that this is written in a way where I'm not feeling this is autobiographical. I'm sure that some of it is, but it feels like you are presenting a more global viewpoint, rather than a personal one, & this trajectory seems to show more & more maturity as your writing grows (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 1 Month Ago


I felt the struggle here as I have felt like this and contemplated these scenarios many times. You portrayed this perfectly.

Posted 1 Month Ago


Knowing the classic quote of "If you never fall down you never learn to get back up" I feel like you addressed that here, as if those who have suffered in return get to feel empathy more deeply than others, those who have suffered and do suffer feel the sufferings of others like they're there own, it doesn't seem fair but those who suffer less often don't ever find what they're looking for in life, where as, we suffer, but we find beauty and peace in the broken pieces of others.
I feel like this poem speaks deeply of the truths of life that most are afraid to speak off, it's important for problems to be talked about and to not be ignored.
This is a very lovely poem, I hope lot's of people read it and feel at ease knowing they're not alone and that someday they might be okay.

Posted 2 Months Ago



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Added on August 19, 2019
Last Updated on August 19, 2019
Tags: poem, poetry, poet, depression, mental health, creativity, anxiety, suicide, art, writing

Author

alienated.aquarius
alienated.aquarius

Buffalo, NY



About
Hi! I'm Catie. i write things (poems, fiction, blogs/articles) and try to publish them. i love chasing waterfalls and sunsets. i was born at a very young age. i can pick things up with my toes. i'm ob.. more..

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