"Im Not Pretty Enough"

Her shirt torn open
"i wasnt pretty enough"
etched into her skin

A pool of red nectar
surrounds her lifeless body
her eyes petrified.

He stands over her
his tears plummet
into the sea of red

His knees hit the floor
and he wispers
"I love you"

Regret washes over,
suffocating him
"I should have told you sooner"

Reviews

[S. Kimball]

Well, it's certainly tragic. It has great potential, but I see room for improvement here.

While your descriptors were good and a sad atmosphere was portrayed well, you used too many cliches. Too many writers these days can't simply come out and say that somebody was covered in blood. Blood is, in writing, a very powerful part of any given scene, as it has many meanings. I believe that you may have taken away some of the intended impact with your allusion to it, however. My advice would be to simply come out and say that she was lying in a pool of blood. Another minor cliche that you used was the description of the male's tears "crashing down". I've read that too many times before, and it took away a lot of the emotional intensity.

Other than that though, this poem was very good. The way you described the regret washing over and "suffocating" him was very insightful and underlined the drama well. Also, while you don't express outright many things, you imply them very well. For example, it could be inferred that this girl killed herself due to something that the male said to her in reference to her physical appearance. Or, at least, that's what it seems like you're trying to get across by expressing how much regret he felt at the sight of her body, as opposed to horror.

Also, you get kudos for writing a sad poem involving suicide without having it come off as cheesy or "emo", for lack of a better term. I liked that there was actually some emotion put in here, and it had some real impact, as opposed to the usual "My boyfriend dumped me so I'm going to kill myself etc. etc."

Good overall. You're certainly a better poet than a lot of the others around here.

[MadeMan99]

Daring!!! Epic!!!