Suicide Nightmare

Everyone has nightmares.  They are a regular part of life.  Whether we have them because there is something in our subconscious that is bothering us or they are a result of bad pizza we had the night before, ocassionally, we will have one.  When we live one it is a whole different story.  Such was the case in the story I am about to tell you.  It was  March 13, 1997 at approximately two o'clock in the afternoon.   I was at Diane's Hair Clinic in the Plaza on the corner of Northern and Bell Avenue in Las Cruces, alone, just five minutes from my home.

My boss and co-worker had stayed home sick. I had just shampooed a client and was cutting her hair when my oldest son, Ben called.

"Mom, your brother called and he wants you to call him. He sounded like he was crying." he stammered, verbally shaken.

Fear gripped my heart and I my head began spinning. Overwhelming nausea began pulsating through my body like the feeling you get when you are on a ride at an amusement park being jerked to and fro. As thoughts raced wildly through my head, confusion settled over my mind instantly. I had that gut wretching feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was desperately wrong.

"What in the world should I do?,,, What do I tell my client? I am the only one here."

I know I needed to call my brother but I don't want to hear the news he has. It can't be good. He never calls me, let alone at work.

"Do I finish my client and then call or send her home now" I wondered?

When I returned to the room where my client was, I told her I had to make an important phone call.

"No problem." she said

When I left the room my heart was palpitating so hard and fast, I thought it would leave my chest. With my hands shaking profusely, I picked up the phone receiver at the front desk. When my brother answered, he was crying.

"Carole, why did you wait so long to call me?" he asked through tears and a pain so tangible you could cut it with a knife .    Then he uttered these words from his lips:

"It's mom. She's dead. She hung herself."

Though my mom had threatened suicide many times over my growing up years, I had hoped against hope, she would never choose to follow through. She had been in the hospital on several occasions having suffered nervous break downs and in fact, was in the hospital the week prior to my brother calling.

I still remember having her put in the hospital in Florida when she came to visit me and my three children and threatened to take her life then. Gary, my husband, was doing a six-month deployment on the Naval aircraft carrier, the U.S.S. Independence, and mom came out to visit for what I thought, would be a fun-filled extravaganza. We had planned to drive to Orlando and take the kids to Disneyworld, and enjoy one another. Never did I expect, she would threaten suicide during her stay.

You see, she was very much Bipolar, but she did have good moments. She had lost my dad in 1992, and I prayed relentlessly for her healing. I felt if she could just make it past the five-year mark, she would be out of the woods. Statistically, five years seems to be such a crucial time frame after losing someone.  Generally, if they can just make it over that five year hump, they are often home free.

My neighbors, who were Christians, came to my aid and we drove Mom to the Baptist Hospital in downtown Jacksonville. She was evaluated for a week and put on medications to level out her brain chemistry.

"At last she has finally gotten the help she needs. It's all up hill from here." I reasoned...sighing a sign of relief

I don't live in regret, but I wish I could say things had gotten better. I wish I could say we didn't have to leave and drive back to the Midwest that next day to go through my mother's personal belongings and get her house ready to put on the market.

God, in His great mercy gave us the strength to carry on and walk through the murky waters of grief. It was a three year battle. I would be lying to say to you, I didn't want to die, too. My world had been rocked beyond my wildest imagination.

I remember lying in bed with an emotional pain and heaviness on me like a ton of bricks, my heart sinking to the lowest of lows. I didn't think I would make it...

I had asked God to let me die. I couldn't read my Bible because I couldn't concentrate. Just getting out of bed for the day was a major victory, let alone going any where. I cried off and on continually. As I lay there on my bed of grief, all I could say was: "God, Please Help Me! You've got to help me!"

You see, this was one trial that I didn't think God could turn around for His Glory. The Valley was too deep; the pain too great. I couldn't see clearly through the darkness. I felt like I was suspended precariously in mid-air with only a thread connecting me to the heavens.  If He would have let go, my life would have quickly been snuffed out.

He was the only one that could save me, and He did. God is faithful. Without Him I would never have made it through my greatest valley of despair. It is because of HIM I stand here today with a passion for the Healing and Deliverance Ministry. I will go to my grave with this passion. I live to see God's people set free by the power of our God.

You see, I made a commitment to Him once he led me out of the darkness when I uttered these words..."God, If I can see just ONE person turned away from suicide, it will be well worth the pain and effort it takes.  I will make the devil pay for taking my mom's life prematurely, by serving you God with everything that is within me. I will, empowered by God almighty, reach into the depths of hell, to see God's people set free and healed from all that besets them!"

                                   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Sherrian Morgan]

Carole I am sorry for your loss. I thank you for sharing your story. I have not experienced your loss, but I had to help a family member who was suicidal. In regards to your passion for speaking out and helping others, I too feel the same passion. It is the reason that I write some of the work that I do. Again, I thank you.

[Winter McPherson]

Oh my gosh Carole!! I had no idea - I am utterly in shock right now! I've only read the first few paragraphs...I just had to write down my immediate reaction.....I'm going to continue now.

Wow......I almost speechless.....the end was so victorious. I'm so sorry.....I can't even imagine....

Thank you for sharing your pain with us.

[Brenda Sue]

First ((((((((HUGS))))))))))) Carole. As I read this I was reminded of the valley I walked in after my husband passed away, it wasn't suicide, it was cancer. The more we fought the cancer the worst it got, so he just gave up and I had to watch. I remember all the IF's, if I had made him eat better foods, If I had found a better doctor, etc. etc. etc. The IF's can drive one crazy. I am so glad you made it out of that valley, and made it out with so strong a passion. God bless your passion and your writings to help. Wonderfully penned.

[Gary H]

This was really sad and I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. Indeed I hope your empowerment to God will see others saved from this predicament. I feel you are making a very honourble commitment.
In the writing I initially became confused with the speech integrated into the first paragraph but then I realised that you had good reason to do this. I think this gives an impact of panic that I'm sure we would all feel going through such a time.
A very good piece and really makes the reader think at the end.

[youngwriter222]

Carole, I'm so sorry for you having to lose you mom like that, it must have been so hard. I literally started crying alot while reading this. It takes courage to share your story with us. I know if I ever lost my mom like that, I really don't think I could live because of my past experiences, but you found courage to get through it and that is amazing.

"I made a commitment to God once he led me out of the darkness: "If I could see just ONE person turned away from suicide, it will be worth the pain and effort it takes. I will make the devil pay for taking my mom's life prematurely, by serving you God with everything that is within me." I will, empowered by God almighty, reach into the depths of hell, to see God's people set free and healed from all that besets them."


This story is so touching how you reach out to god when you really needed you and he helped you out, he really is our savior.
I keep thinking about the story and I wish I could've been there to give you a hug at the time.
I hope like all your other stories that you keep this one espically close to your heart and never forget how special your mom is and how great god is for helping to get through all of this, and he still is. Your mom is watching down on you and looking out for you. Someday you will meet again.

Thanks so much for sharing!

[Valentine]

Carole, I was surprised when I finally found one I had not read,,I think God in His infinite mercy..knew she was desperately ill and will consider that in His judgement..He will let her in where you can see her again..God loves...Jesus loves..itis by this love and grace we have the chance to be with Him..Mentally ill people are His all ready..just like my niece that was severely retarded..She died in a state home at 1d6..she is in Heaven..God is merciful when people are mentally ill..love you..God bless..Valentine

[Michael X]

Carol, this is very touching, very well written, its hard to imagine the pain
that you endured, my deepest regards extend, you have really found a
strength in spirit, the peace in your knowledge is present in every word,
very impacting and powerful, your words really move the heart,
thank you for sharing, you really know the footpath to peace, mike

[.]

My goodness :( This was so sad to hear. i am so so so truly sorry for your loss hun; that is so terrible to hear what had happened :( However, now she walks with angels in guiding her in the right direction. She is loved, and her mind is free and clear of all of bad things. Deeply touching story. *Hugs*

Take Care,

Mikey

[Yvonne Heidt]

Carole, I saw a review on another story - that dealt with suicide (or pretend) and you had mentioned THIS story. I am so glad that you did. My daughter Deserae had bi-polar (as do I) and suicide attempts. She died on May 3, 2006. I don't know if she meant to die that day - but she did. I felt your pain in this piece as I also felt your faith in God. I know without a fact - that without HIM - I would not have made it through the pain either. I am also an addict in recovery. Without God - I would have never stayed clean. Thank you so much for sharing this. I have pieces on my page about Deserae.

Very articulate and well written.

[Mat Woodward]

Thank you for posting this one Carole and I know how close to your heart this Event must be. I know that only the Holy Spirits healing and comfort has allowed you to get to the point where you posted this story.

I was shaken by a seperation and divorce in 1998 and for 2 years I lay in bed in a dark room crying out to God to get me off this rock (Earth) and the answer I recieved was "I have work for you to do Mat, I will heal you and restore the years that the Locust has gnawed.

Once again thank you, sharing in hope is vital

[Helen Woodward]

Well that's a scary piece of work Carole! I applaud your love of God and his mecy. I find the serenity prayer so helpful, the acceptane of what we can't change. I am truly sorry for your loss and hope that you have found peace about this sad part of your life. It's no joke having a close relative with mental illness, suicide of a loved one saps your energy and leaves you wondering why? Thanks for bringing me to this and for giving us a portion of your life that is wrought with the indescribable pain of loss.