Fade (Senryu)

My attempt at a Senryu

Needle hits the ground:

Falls to his knees scared of death,

Eyes close, fade away.

Author's Note

Let me know your thoughts... first attempt I have posted. Worth a try

Reviews

[Confuser]

Aaron: Couldn't imagine trying to write 17 syllables; in addition, the content. You hit me between the eyes with a powerful write, the visual is stunning. You should be proud. Very well done indeed. To fall and be in fear of death, wow, imagery is so emotionally powerful, I'm probably silly, I'm wondering what was he writing when the pen dropped. Great writing. Thanks. Dale

[AaronFreitas]

Thanks very much Dale... the secret can't be revealed lol ... appreciate your review my friend :)

[Confuser]

You're welcome Aaron: Wouldn't help me one tiny bit! Awesome...;D

[modtoddinc]

Good work, I have yet to try this form myself, but I know it must have been challenging to accomplish. The message is powerful. I do wish there was a deeper feeling word than 'scared' but that is just my humble opinion.

~peace, Todd

[AaronFreitas]

It's definitely challenging... it's easy to put together the 17 syllables but to still tell as story or create an image is the hard part.

[J.A. Marquez]

Honestly I am a little confused because I don't really get poetry, but it sounds cool. :)

[AaronFreitas]

It's a Senryu... they are usually emotion filled. So the key is the format which is first line 5 syllables, 2nd line 7 syllables and 3 rd line 5 syllables for 17 total. The story in those words is about an addict shooting up... leaned back from the hit while the needle falls and hits the ground. He falls to his knees scared not wanting to die but the damage is done... he already injected too much and his eyes close as he dies. So in 17 syllables and senryu style you get the poem I presented. Make sense?

[Dipanjan Dutta]

This is a classic. Amazing work. Short yet powerful. Great job

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much my friend! Appreciate the review

[Michele Harman]

Very good display of emotion in just a few lines very good display Im looking forward to reading more

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much Michele :) Please do read more... I appreciate it

[mattavelli]

Nice imagery. Sewing can be dangerous.

[AaronFreitas]

haha thanks my friend.... appreciate your review... send any read requests new friend :)

[Death's Poet]

WOW. Okay in 3 lines you conveyed so much emotion that it's incredible. If I close my eyes I can see this man, weary from whatever struggle life dealt him and just giving into the void. So sad and so amazingly written. As always I'm a fan of your work. You are quite a genius if I may say so myself

[AaronFreitas]

Aww thank you Shadow Poet... I wouldn't say genius... just seen some s**t in my life lol. Appreciate your kind words and your review my friend... it means a lot :)

[Irenic]

you have written about how everyone afraid of death very beautifully in few lines. Nice piece.
Eyes close, fade away.
it is the deep-into-the heart-pouring line.

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much irenic :) Appreciate the review very much

[Irenic]

Welcome :)

[Ashley]

I really like this one best so far

[AaronFreitas]

Aww thanks Ashley :) Appreciate your compliment

[Etta Beasley]

I'm not much of a technical writer, but what I do know is how difficult it is to portray a powerful, thought filled message in such a short poem. I think you've done exactly that here. Well done Aaron :)

[AaronFreitas]

Thank you very much... I'm not much of a technical writer either but thought I'd try it and I liked the way it came out :) Appreciate the review Etta!