Fade (Senryu)

Fade (Senryu)

A Poem by AaronFreitas
"

My attempt at a Senryu

"

Needle hits the ground:

Falls to his knees scared of death,

Eyes close, fade away.

© 2015 AaronFreitas


Compartment 114
Compartment 114
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Author's Note

AaronFreitas
Let me know your thoughts... first attempt I have posted. Worth a try

My Review

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Featured Review

Aaron: Couldn't imagine trying to write 17 syllables; in addition, the content. You hit me between the eyes with a powerful write, the visual is stunning. You should be proud. Very well done indeed. To fall and be in fear of death, wow, imagery is so emotionally powerful, I'm probably silly, I'm wondering what was he writing when the pen dropped. Great writing. Thanks. Dale

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

Thanks very much Dale... the secret can't be revealed lol ... appreciate your review my friend :)
Confuser

8 Years Ago

You're welcome Aaron: Wouldn't help me one tiny bit! Awesome...;D



Reviews

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dan
Aaron, When I read this I thought of the old Neil Young song, "The Needle and the Damage Done." Such a greatly written reminder of how tragic the world of syringes, needles and track marks really is. Great senryu. take care...dan

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

Thank you very much Dan... I am pulling that song up to listen to it now :) Appreciate your review .. read more
dan

8 Years Ago

Aaron, May I say something totally honest to you? I hope that you don't take it wrong. This senryu s.. read more
Very interesting, makes you wish there was more, like a cliff hanger.
Well done.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

Thank you very much Bluefire :) Appreciate the review
sounds good to me but you may be over 17

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

Where do you count more than 17? I count 5, 7, 5.
W R Stowe

8 Years Ago

you are on your toes aren't you I'm seeing double lol
AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

haha gotcha
This is wonderful. With each line down the page there is further downward momentum made in the text itself ('hits the ground', 'falls', 'eyes close'). It's really effective and drives the idea that heroin really does drive people down to their lowest point. Great work, man, keep it up!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

Man heroin does drive people down and fast! Luckily I don't know anyone that has ever had that addi.. read more
Dark and deep, it speaks to the overpowering and the helplessness of addiction.
Fine 'attempt' indeed.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

Thank you Julia :) Addiction can over take people and there is always that fine line of a good high.. read more
What to say but to applaud you and your creativity. Bravo,sir....:).....

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

Thank you Sami.... appreciate you taking the time to read and comment my friend :)
Sami Khalil

8 Years Ago

You are welcome...:)......

The emotions are sequenced very well, a scared person surrendering to the fate.
Its a good try too. :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

Thank you Jeyanthi... tried to create the image for the reader :)
The senryu is so expressive. It convey a deep meaning in such a less number of words. Beautifully composed! :)

Needle hits the ground:
I liked the way you personified the needle. It brings out the meaning clearly. :)
Falls to his knees scared of death,
The imagery is excellent. Nicely written. :)
Eyes close, fade away.
The line is so deep. Wow! :)

A great write-up. Way to go! :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

Thank you very much Bushra! I appreciate the review very much :)
Bushra Naqshbandi

8 Years Ago

You're welcome! :)
I think you did a wonderful job, Aaron! I have yet to attempt a senryu, so I applaud you for having the testicular tenacity to do so.. Hehe Did you like the fancy way I said having the balls? LOL!

It was a great piece in my opinion. Keep at it!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

haha very creative way to say that lol... I was definitely worried about posting it... it was a litt.. read more
♥ Ari Skye ♥

8 Years Ago

I heard that somewhere and have just been waiting for the right time to use it.. LOL..
You k.. read more
AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

Thank you Nikki :)
Wow! You say so much with so little words...Beautiful!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AaronFreitas

8 Years Ago

Thank you Emily... I appreciate your comments my friend. Always good to see you pop up on here :)

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2375 Views
69 Reviews
Rating
Added on April 30, 2015
Last Updated on May 1, 2015
Tags: senryu

Author

AaronFreitas
AaronFreitas

CA



About
I love to write, most my work tends to be on the darker side. I write from my heart and tend not to mess with it too much. I guess sometimes I write and post without focusing on what everyone else w.. more..

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