Love Lost

Love Lost

A Poem by Charu Charms
"

Its a love story... A Tragic one.

"


The wind was blowing, the sun was hot

I looked all around, for someone I sought

Someone I carried in my heart for long

Someone whose voice was a love song…

 

It was so long ago, the first time we met

That I don’t seem to remember, yes, I forget.

But I know we were little kids back then

We became best friends, I don’t know when..

 

But those little things didn’t matter anymore

I loved him so much ever since I was four.

More than a decade now, I’ve managed to tell

What he was for me, for him what I felt.

 

And gosh! I couldn’t believe my own ears

Cause now after all these long years

He tells me over the phone me loved me too

He wanted to see me, and his love's nothing but true.

 

So I waited there under the blazing sun

The wind blowing hard, little kids having fun.

My eyes keen to see once again his face

But what seemed like the first time, ‘cause things had really changed.

 

I saw him coming with his friends across the lane

Talking and laughing, going insane.

The wait was over, everything is so fine

Just seconds to go, and he’s mine in no time.

 

His friends never noticed, as his eyes met mine

They never suspected, when he asked for some time

And sneaked out, all ready to embrace me

I was eager too, I bet he could see.

 

Our eyes were still locked as he crossed the street

“BE CAREFUL”, I said; but my voice was too weak

For him to hear me; I bet he didn’t

‘cause then the whole world changed in a blink…

 

He was still crossing, the traffic was high

And then, all of a sudden, I was blinded by a light

I saw nothing, I couldn’t focus my eye

But I heard… I heard

                         HIS PAINFUL CRY…

 

My heart shattered, as my eyes gained control

Blood raced through my veins, I lost my soul

I screamed, I ran, I fell on my knees

Beside whom once full of life had been.

 

His beautiful body now seemed out of place

Agony showed on his once cheerful face

His once white shirt had turned dark red

And only got darker with the tears I shed.

 

I took him on my lap and screamed for help

I held him tight, hoping to give him some strength

As I looked into his angelic bloodshot eyes

I realised… I realised he had very little time…

 

He was fighting, fighting between death and life

He was struggling to keep open his eyes

He looked at me, only at me

He wanted to speak, but he was getting too weak.

 

“It’s okay. You’ll be fine”, I cried in his ear

But I knew I was wrong, it was way too clear.

He just looked at me, he too knew I was lying

He knew too… he had very little time…

 

“I…”, he had managed to say

When somebody came and stopped him halfway

With her fingers his wrist she gently held

Then looked at me, and shook her head.

 

I trembled as I looked at him again

His eyes half closed, body writhing in pain

And then… his eyes closed, he became calm and still,

But only after he said…

                           “I LOVE YOU… I ALWAYS WILL…”

© 2013 Charu Charms


My Review

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Featured Review

Great story. Only thing about it is that it is too predictable. The poem starts out perfect. Any story that starts that was has to end in problems. Insert more emotion. It feels a little distance to me.
This is my opinion and if you don't change a thing it is still a great sad and loveable story!
=P

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Charu Charms

10 Years Ago

thank you!
Darkening Shadow

10 Years Ago

Welcome.



Reviews

Great story. Only thing about it is that it is too predictable. The poem starts out perfect. Any story that starts that was has to end in problems. Insert more emotion. It feels a little distance to me.
This is my opinion and if you don't change a thing it is still a great sad and loveable story!
=P

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Charu Charms

10 Years Ago

thank you!
Darkening Shadow

10 Years Ago

Welcome.
This poem makes my heart swell with the feelings within it, there is nothing more beautiful than the promise of undying love even when it seems like everything is going wrong like the tragedy that is being spoken of. I won't deny that it made me cry with the beauty captured within this poem and it was a well written poem to say the very least. I am speechless.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Charu Charms

10 Years Ago

Thanks a load, again, Charisma!
Well Done! Keep it up! Do u read mine 2 TIME and MANNER..if possible then gives ur review.. U can also add me on facebook

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Charu Charms

10 Years Ago

Thankyou..
Gobinder Singh Dhindsa

10 Years Ago

Welcome
Lovely and very sad story poem.. I have a true love story tragedy in my real life along these same lines.. (Professing love with dying breath) so this really hit home with me... If i may be so bold as to point out a few things that may help you in your rhyme and meter.. Always read each stanza out loud to yourself. You will be able to feel the tempo.. Sometimes if you feel it does not flow easily it may be just a matter of removing or adding a syllable or two.. Words like "and" "but" are often unnecessary and can hinder the fluidity of the read.. repeated words and phrases should be avoided whenever possible... Not critiquing with a hard hand here, only trying to help.. shallimarRose



This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Charu Charms

10 Years Ago

Thank you with all my heart Rose. I bet thats gonna help!
And Sorry for what happened with you.. read more
shallimarRose

10 Years Ago

Your welcome Char.. Nice to meet you.. Rose
Charu Charms

10 Years Ago

Nice to meet you too, rose.
the imagery has been beautifully depicted. :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Charu Charms

10 Years Ago

Thankyou... but i guess there are a lot of other immature flaws!
Shivam Murari

10 Years Ago

which are ignorable. u will develop as u go
This is not a bad poem, and it's really depressing.
There are just a few things that I would like to point out, though.

You rhyme couplets throughout the song, but there are several instances where you put words that do not rhyme together:

"My eyes keen to see his face once again
But what seemed like the first time, ‘cause things had really changed."
"I screamed, I ran, I fell on my knees
Beside whom once full of life had been."
"He was fighting, fighting death and time
He was struggling to keep open his eyes"


or you repeat the words in other lines right after you've already said them:

"The wait was over, and now he was mine
Just seconds to go, and he’s mine in no time.

His friends never noticed, as his eyes met mine
They never suspected, when he asked for some time"

These are just a few things that I noticed, because it causes the flow of the poem to struggle a little bit. It's a good poem, but the rhyming is off a bit which hurts the flow.


This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


Charu Charms

11 Years Ago

thanx harrisen... that will be a lot of help! thankyou!
Harrisen Viator

11 Years Ago

You're welcome! I'm always glad to be of assistance!
Charu Charms

10 Years Ago

I appreciate that. ;-)

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560 Views
6 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on April 19, 2013
Last Updated on May 12, 2013
Tags: love, lost, tragedy, love story, death, accident
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Author

Charu Charms
Charu Charms

Thrissur, Kerala, India



About
My real name is Charuta Pradeep, but because, as you can see, it is a very weird name, you can call me Charu. I'm a 16 year old who loves reading as well as writing. I've always wanted to pursue a car.. more..

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