Struck

About getting hit by a truck.

Struck

The sun beats down, casting an illuminating glow. Dusty roads mark the outline of the village. I can see trucks speeding down the  roads. Their truck is engulfed in a dusty cloud the tires make.

The sun, a yellow ball, heats the patio I stand on; I feel my feet burn. I hop from foot to foot trying to ease the pain of my cooking feet.

It seems funny, that the sun is out. For on a corner of the patio lays a pool of water. It had been raining only a day ago, how ironic! I can see my reflection in it. My white skin is as pale as a ghost, my black hair, making for a startling contrast. My eyes, always in the summer, are a gentle emerald green colour. I stare at the girl in the reflection, she stares at me.

I turn my attention back to my prior activity, continuing to watch trucks speed along the road. But my stomach churns in dizzying knots. I go inside and grab something to eat. In the fridge, I find a sandwich encased in plastic wrap. I devour it in rather large bits. I decide to go for a walk. I slip on a pair of strappy sandals on.

I have no particular destination in mind. My feet guide me down the caramel coloured road. My sandals are a pale blue colour, but the dust covers them in a brown dusting.

I am lost in my thoughts I don’t hear the honking of a truck. Nor do I hear the frantic shouts made.

I don’t pay attention until it’s too late. I hear the screeching as the rubber skids on the road. The fumes, of burning tire,  waft to my nose. I hear my bones crunch as the car strikes me.

Game over.

Author's Note

I have no idea about this story. I was reading an article and this came to me…..
So any ideas for improving? Also should I add more to this? Thanks!

Reviews

[hannajade]

Wow, awesome! this is really good, the ending is like sooo good.
heres some ideas for it:D
-add a little more to the begginning so we know the character a little better... i wouldn't add more to the end though, cause its really good!
-'Dusty roads mark the outline of the village. I can see trucks speeding down the dusty road. Their truck is engulfed in a dusty cloud.' that doesn't really make sense, and also dusty is used twice....
-'My feet hurt slightly as I stand on the patio. The sun, a yellow ball, heats the patio.' two patios kinda close together, and also maybe you could have it like this, 'The sun, a yellow ball, heats the patio that I stand on; I can feel my feet burn'.
-'In our fridge, is a sandwich encased in plastic wrap', i dunno, I think that might soudn better like, "In the fridge I find a sandwich encased in plastic wrap."
-it seems like there is a few fragment sentences, so maybe you should join a few to make them longer..
Just some constructive criticism! It’s a really great story, I love the end a lot, and seriously think that you don’t need to make it too much longer!!! Good job,:)

[Kat24]

hi,
this is really good. Yeah I think you should write more. Kat24

[Linear]

Well I like them short, and this was just that, some improvement could be made, if you should read it aloud to yourself, you may see where it's needed, still a very good concept, well done

[kaylynnmelody♥]

Imagery was amazing! Thanks for sharing. I pictured this all in my mind, no problem. Beautifully crafted.

By the Way: the Kutless concert was amazing.

[GrandDystopia]

While i think it could have been just a little bit longer, i thought this was great, you should write stuff like this more often.
Keep up the good work:)