New Christmas Morning

True story about my self, on Christmas morning but AFTER 2010 changed my life and made this Christmas a "New Christmas Morning".

For my whole life (twenty three years), Christmas morning has always meant one thing: gathering around a Christmas tree with my mom, dad, and two brothers. I’m sure for most who read this, it has similar meanings about family, friends, and smiles. First and foremost, however, my mother and father were always apart of this mental image I have formed of this special day we all call Christmas. The sweet, green smell of the tree…the shine of sparkling lights adorning the branches…glitter glinting in the early morning sunlight that shines through the living room window. For me, Christmas was a special thing, especially because of the stability and certainty that had always been apart of my life. I was born in one home and lived there my whole life�"never moved. My parents were together from the beginning. I never knew what it was like to grow with your parents, love them, and then have divorce rip them away…at least, not until I was twenty three years old…not until where I am in my life right now. But the memories of Christmas as a child (and for the majority of my life) are still fresh…and still mean so much to me.

I am writing this on the balcony of my new apartment…it is Christmas morning. It’s not even eight in the morning, the sun has only just risen, and there is a serene quietness to the apartment complex around me. I guess…I guess this is the first Christmas in my entire life that I have not woken up to the familiar sight of my living room, with the smell of a month-old Christmas tree luring me to the array of gifts that shine behind glittery wrapping paper. “Array” is an understatement�"“hoards” of gifts is more accurate. For whatever the reason, my father who was the sole supplier of income in my home was always able to conjure up Christmas mornings with enough gifts that rivaled most kids’. This Christmas morning, there are no gifts under the tree…

Changes…definitely, life is full of changes. In fact, people must be right when they say that the only true, constant, and universal feature in our universe is that of change. This has been a year of change for me: 2010. Left and right, up and down, people I know have been enduring life-altering changes. Friends’ relationships come crashing to an end…a cousin’s relationship suffered the same, crushing doom…my mother and father�"over thirty years of being together and creating a family, memories, and life�"ripped apart by the false notion that material things do matter in life. But, for me, the end of my parents was only the beginning of what made 2010 so devastating. My parents were miserable together…it simply was not working, and I think the divorce has helped them both reach a higher state…a greater purpose…or maybe…maybe I’m entirely wrong and the thirty years that kept them together is simply taking a short vacation…we all need vacations and breaks from everything, why not each other?

Yes…the end of my parents’ relationship was the beginning of what made 2010 so crushing…so heart-wrenchingly unbearable. In the year 2010, my seven year relationship came to a quick and seemingly inexplicable end. It seems that, once again, change has reared it ambiguous presence, morphing the stability we all work so hard to maintain into a temporary conjuration of irreversible events. I loved this girl…since we were sixteen years old (sophomores in high school), my life had been defined by her. I grew as a person: living through high school, part time jobs, college, and other pursuits with her were directly reflected into all of those material pursuits. Like someone on life support who has learned to live only with an external counterpart to keep them going, I was bound to her. I won’t say that when she left me in that sudden and poorly explained way that I stopped eating or breathing. I will say that my life changed…that my perspective on things were different…that every morning, my concept of what I would do was utterly different. There were no more phone calls to make to her…no more events to plan together…no more intimate moments of sharing our love for each other...seven years of living, expecting, and feeling were gone. Today, on this new Christmas morning, I won’t be making plans with her…Today, on this new Christmas morning, there are no gifts under the tree…

It is now past eight in the morning…the sun is higher now and the coolness from last night is getting warm. It is still quiet, though. A few strangers with sweaters on gently walk their dogs, drifting towards uncertain destinations behind parked cars or the slim alleyways between the apartment buildings. The sound of passing cars in the street outside the complex gradually increases in frequency. Another day is beginning, another opportunity for change. It has been said that trying to overcome the basic laws of nature is an attempt in futility. Change…it seems to be universal, constant, and more certain than any relationships will ever be. Maybe...maybe as a New Year’s Resolution for 2011, I should shift my focus away from trying to resist change…maybe this New Year, I should concentrate on embracing change, and accepting it as an inevitable part of the cycle of life that we are all beneficiaries of (or slaves to). Change…it has defined the year 2010…it has torn away all that I have cherished…it has shattered the foundations of stability in my life. And yet, as I sit here on the balcony of my new apartment, typing away and wondering what the hell I’m doing here, I can’t help but feel something promising in the chilly air. Maybe it’s just the sun, casting beams of light between the trees…or maybe…maybe it’s the ambiguous presence of change and it is here to comfort me. Change has a promise to offer: this New Year, you have the power to change your life…to make it better…to make it what you want it to be. This New Year, your life is more “yours” than it has ever been before.

Relationships have ended, my mother and father�"the foundation of love that created me�"are done, and seven years of love in my life are gone forever…There are no gifts under the Christmas tree, but there is change. Despite all of the tears and torment this year has brought, I find my self feeling more optimistic about life than I have all year. Thank you, Change. If there is one thing you have taught me, it is that material certainty…material stability means nothing…Love is powerful, but dependence on it can destroy a person. True freedom requires loving your self…and change gives us all the opportunity to make that a priority in our lives…Merry Christmas.