Let me take your portrait

Something that came to mind...I need a little help with this one. Suggestions are most welcomed and solicited. LOL :-)

Let me paint your picture,
With the lens of my camera.
Let me stop time,
Even if only for a moment,
Capturing your beauty with my shutter.
Let me see your soul
Through this view finder of mine.
Let me caress your body with my eyes.
Let me see you…
The real you;
Not the image you project.
You…
vulnerable
naked
unmasked,
Show me who you are.
Let me take your portrait.

 

 

 

Author's Note

Thank you JS, for your help. I took you suggestions. :-)

Reviews

[JadedSparrow]

I like what you did with it... The desire driving this piece is enough to make me want to read it again and again. As far as cliches go...well, life is full of cliches, not to mention poetry. I dont think that any of the phrases you've used take away from the poem, but thats just me. Saying all that to say this, I loved it. And you are most welcome : )

JS

[Chaos]

I love the flow of this. You have this erotic feel and yet the message is simple; show me who you are. I loved it. Nice write!

[Anne Martin]

Take mine? Oh, you mean the poetry...

I like it. It is reminiscent of another that I've read, but it is perhaps better. You've done something that I'm often guilty of, and that is using some cliche phases. "Let me stop time." As much as I like that phrase, I've heard it quite a lot. I like the idea of the camera stripping away the facade, and that is probably why I prefer the second stanza.

What to change? I don't know what to say, since anything I might suggest would interfere with the fabric of the poem. I think I'd leave it as it is and just be wary of cliches next time around. I'm sorry if this seems a little lukewarm, but I would say that I like it a lot, but wouldn't say that it stirs my soul or anything deep like that. It's a good little poem, but I'm wanting more, and I'm not entirely certain what the "more" is that I want.

[Angel's Lady]

OMG. Don't change a thing! That is my suggestion! This is perfect! Why, oh why, didn't I write this? I LOVE IT and it's most definitely being added to my favorites! Wow. PERFECT!

[Last Lying Look]

No suggestions. This was really neat. I really liked it :)