Panic Attack

The feeling of a seam

somewhere in my clothing

being too thick, slightly out of place,

rubbing abrasively in a location I can't quite

identify. 

The restlessness of

deep anxiety

gnawing absentmindedly

at the contentment

I've been trying to cultivate;

a malicious mastication

of my fragile sense

of stability. 

I'm gaining weight.

I'm losing touch with traits I used to

define myself by. 

I'm disappointing those I love,

and those I respect.

A bottomless, pent up scream

is bubbling to the surface,

its severity obscured

by the muddy waters of denial

and normalized avoidance. 

When it breaks,

I fear my throat will break along

with it. 

I am convinced an integral part of me

will split down the seams,

an irreparable rending of

what makes me

me.

Best to keep it under wraps,

compressed far beneath the skin.

Pressure cracks are forming,

stretch marks along tectonic fault lines

that show the profound instability

of this situation. 

Perhaps the deep terror I feel

comes from knowing that soon

the issues must be addressed.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I've never had a panic attack, altho I've had many of these feelings, calling it "anxiety". I often wonder if there's really any difference between all these various maladies that have us going nuts inside our own heads and/or bodies. Regardless of what it's called, you have done the best job I've ever seen/read, as far as showing how it happens. This is very precise & vivid. I totally get that thick-seam-irritation opening . . . brilliant! I also love how you show how this is not just a physical manifestation, but that the mind piles on with a bunch of junk, too. The perfect amount of subtlety in suggesting that oftentimes we are avoiding something in life, which can bring this on, but not said in a "blaming" way . . . mentioned so lightly, it's almost like a knocking on the door of our subconscious as we recognize how we're bringing this on ourselves, but we're not fully in control to be able to address that. These are the subtleties that many people miss when they describe something seemingly dramatic like a panic attack. Happy Easter to you & your loved ones (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie