For Whose Dream Is This ?

I struggle I struggle will they hear my cries ?

as the soul inside of me slowly fades 

and my mind slowly dies

i become landscape 

a back drop for the night

as my souls paints the sky

shining as bright as

only those around me 

i turn to darkness for souls embrace 

where i can be seen 

as this my place

so i consign to oblivion

as my heart beats as a hollow drum

a darkness only seen in daylight eyes

i wear a mask'

my disguise

so i may fade

a memory

happy and glad

this is the mask i wear

 

so i shed this hateful dread

as i drip into the bottomless ocean

 

and consign myself to oblivion

for this is what i have become

a hollow soul

drowned by life

provoked by thought 

deprived of words that will really be seen

so i drift through this hollow dream.

Author's Note

writing exercise i created for myself write at least 5 minutes a day whatever comes to mind

Reviews

[Nemophilist Meraki]

Okay. So I've gushed a bunch about your writing style and the topics you write about and how just generally amazing you are as a writer.

So this time I think I'll focus a little more on structure. (There will be some suggestions in here...)

Wording: This kind of has to do with writing style. But anyways I like it. I also really like that your rhyming isn't steady. Usually for poetry we're told to do freestyle or to do a steady pattern of ABAB or AABB AABB whatever. You don't follow that and I love it. It kind of rocks the reader around a bit. You have to focus more. You have to pay attention and you go back and reread parts, tasting the words and the rhythm.

Spacing: YOU'RE PUTTING SPACE IN!!!!! EEEEEKKKKK!!!!! I am so excited hahaha. I saw it and I'm just like YYYEEESSSS. Anyways. Controlling fangirling..... How about stanzas now? (Am I asking for too much? Am I messing up your style? I don't mean too....) I simply suggest this because it gives the reader a break. It's like the difference between commas and periods. Commas allow us to take a quick break, but periods bring us to a full stop.

In poetry a new line gives us a short break. It's a new component of a thought, but a new stanza gives us a stop. It gives us a rest and a moment to arrange our thoughts before we move on to a new topic or idea or whatever in the poem. For example, after "and my mind slowly dies" would be a good spot to throw in a line and start a new stanza. You're introduced the reader and now its time to elaborate piece by piece, beginning with feeling unimportant or a wallflower or backdrop etc.

Also... just curious: What are the apostrophes for? Like for "i wear a mask'" there is an ' at the end. Not sure if that was intentional or not....

Anyways. I should shut up... XD

[TheAimlessWanderer]

wow thank you so much and for idea to put spacing in
and enlightening me with writing terms i do not understand lol i don't even know how to comment when you post a review anymore such insight i feel bad that this all i can say but i don't want to say nothing because i find what you are saying truly inspiring and i connect to it And Again thank you so much!!

[Nemophilist Meraki]

Awww. It's my pleasure. This is my passion. Writing and reviewing and reading. I'm just so excited to have found such a talented writer to encourage and review.

[costa siwale]

keep at it my friend, you weave words together beautifully.

[TheAimlessWanderer]

Thank you very much it means a lot to hear that !

[T. Edana Talbott]

Love, love, love it. I love how effortlessly your words flow, one after the other, even without a specific structure. I'm also a big fan of darker subject matter. You are very talented, and writers like yourself inspire me to continue creating!

[TheAimlessWanderer]

i am having a hard time commenting all i can say i am deeply touched by that comment thank you so much..

[iamshadowine]

"I struggle I struggle will they hear my cries ?

as the soul inside of me slowly fades

and my mind slowly dies"

excellent lines and amazing poetry!! loved it :D
keep writing :D

[TheAimlessWanderer]

Thank you so much you have no idea how much that means coming from you !

[heylel]

I agree with everything said in the feature review, I'm definitely a big fan now! Thanks for sharing your work

[TheAimlessWanderer]

Thank you for reading glad you liked it

[Exploring Life]

beautiful... thank you for submitting it.

[TheAimlessWanderer]

Wow thank you !