Nothing Meant Everything

you want to be broken. you want to be positively messed up. because you have these feelings of sadness, emptiness and you don’t know why they’re there, and you don’t know what to do with them. all you know is that in their tragedy your art is amplified. so you search in the crumbs in the corner. you search in the syllables of other peoples stories indented like braille in your skin. you search for a reason that you could be this broken. you make yourself into a character. you turn your pale skin porcelain and plaster it onto the pages and forget what is real. you overdose on sleeping pills knowing full well that they won't kill you and then curse yourself for being too much of a damn coward to take that twenty three degree turn of the steering wheel into oncoming traffic. you pretend. a simple excuse for the seemingly origin-less emptiness that leaves you feeling cold. 

i want to grip your bones, and shake your scent out like shards of a broken mirror. i want to tell you that you are nothing. absolutely nothing. your forehead kisses are nothing. you telling me that you didn't like my hair straight is nothing. your arms like towers being the first thing to make me feel safe are nothing. your breath braided into my hair and whooshing against the nape of my neck is nothing. because in the back seat of your car, in the parking lot of your childhood park,  pretending like we're the only two people in the world, "nothing meant everything to me." 

but i don’t want to be a character in your pseudo sad, back seat fantasy. i am not a character. i am real. i burn my fingers on candle wax and binge eat pecan short bread at four in the morning. i have pencil smeared on my hand and i spill peach tea on just about every homework assignment and white t-shirt that i own and still leave my lipstick stain on the mug. 

i am real. i am real. i am real. 

Author's Note

don't even know what this really is. just pain in words.

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

and it is real pain...those who make us suffer...they aren't worth it...and we want to tell them that.
and we want to tell them they are nothing...

so expressive...

you are real, your words are real

and i am quickly becoming a real fan of your talent.

jacob

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you, jacob. i think this person may still be worth it...although i fear that sentiment will end in my demise. it means so much to me that you enjoy my words- thanks again for reading :)

[Clockwork]

This one is absolutely electric. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind or my heart that this prose poem came right from the soul. Its one one those sorts of pieces that makes me stop and read it again. The kind that grab you and say, "Listen to me, I live, and I breathe."

There is so much I could say about this one or that I want to say about this one. But I will say this: this is the sound a heart makes when it burns into life and sings a swansong for its lost lover. It proclaims that it exists and it is in the world to stay as its own entity.

Favorite lines:

"all you know is that in their tragedy your art is amplified. so you search in the crumbs in the corner. you search in the syllables of other peoples stories indented like braille in your skin."

"i am real. i burn my fingers on candle wax and binge eat pecan short bread at four in the morning."

Also, thank you very much for sharing, it seems very applicable for me tonight.

[Dana Alsamsam]

it delights me, but all the while saddens me that this is applicable to you. it did really come from a place of raw depression and frustration, and some things i didn't even realize until i had written this... thank you for reading and for your kind words!

[Clockwork]

Old wounds that are unresolved you could say. Some people just never leave you, even though they are far away.

You're welcome.

[Sasha]

This is amazing .. my gosh I can feel the pain in this ..
great job !!

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much for stopping by and giving me a read!

[Sasha]

no problem :)

[Astro]

This is the silk scarf of your tormented soul dripping in your writer's hands as you wring it out in tears and spit upon the page Dana. I love your lashing, and your beautiful and simplistic descriptions of what makes you you. The last part is like handcrafted curios I'd hang on a shelf in my room and stare at them for inspiration. Your "nothing meant everything to ME".

[Dana Alsamsam]

this review was probably just as good as the piece itself, astro. your words are so kind and i'm glad someone can relatively understand my pain and somehow appreciate the random little things about myself that get lost in translation sometimes. so thank you again as always- you're fabulous.

[Astro]

Have a tea on me!

[sparkle]

very nice work , painted by all the colors of pain , well done dandoneh

[Traci]

Dana what this is is real pain, raw emotion, expressed so honestly, and courageously from the depths of your heart and soul. You are real, your words are real, and you will find many can relate to this piece.
Writing is a good therapeutic release, and much strength will be found with each poetic release. As Steve said, no pain should ever be experienced alone. We all have some sort of pain in our lives, a story to tell, and you will find there are many people here who see you as real, my friend.

Looking forward to reading more of your work.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much for stopping by and giving me a read! i'm so honored to have people like you and the other lovely writers constantly surrounding me and embracing my pain in beautiful ways. thank you so much for your kind words!

[kublakhan27]

Pain should never have to be experienced alone, and you won't have to experience it alone while you're here...we're all writers for a reason, and we're all in this together...as irony would have it, I lack the words to express how deeply I relate to this, right down to the sleeping pills...one of the most irritating experiences I endure in life is people asking me why I'm so depressed so often...people that do not experience depression talk of happiness like a light switch, and many of them are quick to judge...they consider you a person that is simply straining for attention...I get so sour thinking of all the times I've been in this situation with people that hardly know me...I know I'm going off-course a bit here in light of the sentiments you've laid out here, but these are the memories they give birth to first and foremost...before I go any further off-course, I want to laud you for some off-the-chart imagery that drives the emotion home with enough force to wet my eyes...I just happen to be in one of my sensitive periods as I read this, and what can I say but thank you for opening up so fearlessly and sharing these feelings because I relate to them deeply, and yes, you are real my friend.

[Dana Alsamsam]

this is the most amazing complement i could be given. although it's unfortunate that we relate so closely in the midst of pain, it's a beautiful connection, and i'm so incredibly happy that you've tapped into my words in the way that you did. i think it's a common thing that we search and search for an excuse to feel our pain and then just get frustrated because there is no reason for it that we can seem to find.

again thank you for reading and for your insightful words. and you, too, are definitely real.

[kublakhan27]

You're most welcome, and thank you Dana, for inspiring me as you do :)

[Archangel Gabriel]

There is the loudest pathos in this piece. It flows in a deep, hurt and scream of a desperate rant. It has passion and compassion and anger and disappointment. In short it is full of raw emotion and reads well Dana.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you for your kind words- it was definitely written in a moment of raw emotion.

[The Pursuit of Venus]

This is amazing. Very expressive, and the reader knows exactly what you are talking about. It really hit home to me, too. Love it x

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much! i almost want to say sorry that it hit home...painful, really. but either way, thank you for reading and understanding!

[Tomahawk Joe]

so many words could describe this piece some are poignant and gripping

[Pete Langley]

The ability to articulate real feeling in a real way - but really poetically - is really rare. I don`t have it, and I`ve looked for it for fifty years. I hope you never lose it, Dana. P.

[Dana Alsamsam]

those words mean so much to me- thank you so much. i just want to be real. i guess i expressed that in this piece so thank you for reading and understanding.