Undressing Forever

we were the couple slow dancing in the parking lot to Frank Sinatra’s “Songs For Swingin’ Lovers." we were the couple that made the elderly home hum with nostalgic smiles in the presence of whimsical, young love. we were the couple undressing each others minds one article of clothing at a time. you forgot to stop at clothing, though.

in the back seat of your car pretending like we were the only people alive, you dug your finger into my eye sockets with crystalline shards of glass undressing everything that i didn’t want to see in myself. you hit my teeth like vinyl piano keys undressing my vocal cords and leaving me screaming words that i never wanted to recall. you reached fervently into my chest cavity between my rib bones ripping out my heart and undressing the rusty emotions cranking like gears in my left ventricle along with poisoned air. 

i let you do it because maybe this time you’d stick around, but undressing willingly had never guaranteed a forever. i realize now, broken heart ripped out of my chest and bleeding in my hands, that the word “forever" is just white noise at the end of an empty hallway, but it was all i had to offer. 

Reviews

[Frieda P]

The forever that never lasts, the pain was palpable in this read. We expose all for the one we love and in turn we slowly lose the essence of who we were. Second stanza is money....

' you dug your finger into my eye sockets with crystalline shards of glass undressing everything that i didn’t want to see in myself'

That's exposed...and painful. Good read Dana.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much!

[Frieda P]

My pleasure Dana!

[Astro]

"Forever" can only exist after something has died. Like the phoenix who rises from the ashes and burns anew you "undressed forever" in a moment or, series of moments that were meant to bring about forever but, in the end it was laid bare, yet unrecognizable to you except as a "forever lost". This piece and its subject matter are so appropriate for one of your poems because you are a dancer and like dancing, forever exists in the moment of every step, bent knee, waving arm and the wind across your face then soon it is over and a small part of you mourns the absence of something so powerful and liberating. Very nice.

[Dana Alsamsam]

your review is better than the poetry, my friend! i've recently been exploring a lot about that concept of forever and what it even means. thank you so much for your kind words :)

[Astro]

You're most welcome, I'm glad you liked the review.

[kublakhan27]

The blunt and aggressive emotion of this piece is staggering, to the point of making the hairs stand on the back of a reader's neck...it's a hapless feeling, that hope that one will accept the devotion constantly offered by another so unconditionally...that feeling is undeniably palpable here...the prose-poem is a bit of a neglected form so it's refreshing not just to see one, but one so emotionally effective...great piece :)

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much for your review! i had a few recommendations to actually ditch the prose form and give it some structure which i plan to experiment! we'll see which version i enjoy more. thank you so much for your read and review!

[kublakhan27]

I think it could go either way and be equally effective...looking at this from a fellow writer's standpoint, I like this form just for the storytelling aspect, but you the writer will ultimately know when you're ready to make the decision, and it will be the right one...always a pleasure :)

[s y e]

I totally agree with, Frieda. The forever never does last. This write was full of pain and honesty. We'd do anything for the one we love, sometimes even not speak to our family.

~ Noodle.

[Dana Alsamsam]

thanks, noodle!

[highonwords]

this poem tells me about humiliation, despair, and a burning out for the person being abused in a relationship. thank you for sharing :)

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you so much!

[Archangel Gabriel]

A very tortured piece with sadness, disappointment and a deep sense of low self worth. The subject is prepared to be treated badly simply to keep the relationship. It is a very eloquent and thought provoking piece and all the physical metaphors gave a gritty feel to it.

[Tomahawk Joe]

thought provoking sometimes others bring out things in us that we are not always willing to see in ourselves.

[ChemicalMadness]

Is it wrong that I enjoy the insideousness here? You went dark on this one and I was with you all the way...

On the stylistic front, I would have preferred the lines to have broken differently....I realize that's a matter of personal preference, but I do believe in formatting as a device.... I felt you lost some of the power by going this route...

Regardless, this was quite good.
Cm

[Dana Alsamsam]

thank you! this was sort of an idea that came into my head and i wanted to get it down right away. i definitely will think about adding a format to it in the future. thanks again for your input and kind words!

[B-poet]

A very interesting write shedding light on the benefits regarding longevity in terms of love. It looked like though this could've been a quick short story, yet as a poem you've proven your point very well with the best of your proposed intentions. Nice work. An enjoyable read. :)

[Dana Alsamsam]

maybe this is surprising, but i'm not amazing at writing short stories...they're a challenge for me that i hope to start tackling! maybe prose poetry like this is a step in the right direction. thanks so much for reading and for your kind words!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

my favorite part of this is all of it. i let you have your way with me, i let you undress my body, my mind, my heart --thinking i could keep you...

but "forever" can be so elusive, no matter how much of ourselves we give.

really good piece.. i love the first stanza...despite not being able to stand Sinatra's singing --see how powerful your words are...one spot..should be "each other's minds"

i really like "you forgot to stop at clothing"

totally bare naked for you...and yet you still wouldn't keep me.

i did this once...totally bared myself for another, in every way, and it has never happened again.

great write, Dana.

jacob

[Dana Alsamsam]

it's like you know you're throwing yourself into something, undressing yourself, even though you won't get anything out of it, but it's the only way you know to keep them there... thank you so much for your kind words!