Chapter 15: Convergence

Chapter 15: Convergence

A Chapter by StarNinja

“Great Keepers. A most wonderful thing has happened,” Wisil said.

It was around morning. Phillip wasn’t sure. The sun hadn’t come up over the holes in the ceiling and the sky hues weren’t much help either since it was always so orange.

“What?” Phillip asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“The soothseers wish to see you,” said Wisil.

“What an honor. Thank you for telling us,” said Omar. When had he woken up?

“Bout freaking time. I was wondering if I was going to see any psychic aliens on this trip,” said Phillip.

“Come. Follow me,” said Wisil.

He led the boys through the city. A week had passed since they’d arrived. A week of celebrating and feasting. They hadn’t intended to stay that long, but after eating and resting for a day or two the boys eventually found themselves exploring the city and listening to Wisil explain the world around them as the Broneen understood it and the need to leave seemed less important. Plus there was so much food. So much! Phillip wondered where the Broneen could have possibly gotten all this food on this barren desolate wasteland of a planet. Omar had been very helpful, using his glove to figure out what was edible and what wasn’t. As Phillip quickly found out, edible didn’t mean appetizing. It was a lesson he learned too many times.

Omar was absolutely overjoyed with all the information he was gathering. Even Phillip started to get curious about Broneen culture, though he spent most of his time watching the children playing in the streets. The one named Flyl pestered him a lot, asking him questions then running off, then running back and asking more questions. She seemed to have taken a liking to him. Wisil told them many stories that had been passed to him from his predecessors. Stories of brave Keepers and crafty Broneen. Stories of foul creatures and monstrous beasts. Stories of those none should name and stories of ages long past.

They came upon a giant crevice in the wall of the cavern just outside the city boundary. A large cloak fashioned from some kind of furry animal was draped over the crevice, two poles on either side of the opening to ward off impurity. A lone figure waited for them. It looked like a Broneen as the boys had come to know them, but its eyes were covered by a cloth and its mouth tendrils twisted into a painful looking braid.

“Welcome, visitors,” said the soothseer. It spoke with some difficulty and Omar’s translator picked up on it.

“Hello. It is a pleasure to meet you,” said Omar.

“We will see,” said the soothseer.

“Ominous much?” Phillip asked.

“That very much depends on your point of view,” said the soothseer.

“Ugh, this is going to get annoying,” said Phillip.

“This way, to the Empty Room,” said the soothseer.

“You’re not coming in?” Phillip asked when he saw Wisil was not following.

“I was not invited. Just you,” said Wisil.

Phillip crossed his arms over his stomach, fighting that queasy feeling he always got whenever the unexpected threatened to pounce on his life. Omar noticed and put a hand his shoulder.

“It’ll be fine,” he reassured him.

The Empty Room was a house sized chamber of concentric circles that descended into a pit. On each circle, a lone soothseer sat, legs crossed, swaying to invisible rhythms. In the center of the room, a fire pit. But there was no fire. Instead, a hazy vortex of blue and green swirling around itself. Phillip had no idea what it was, but he didn’t have to wonder long.

“A wormhole! Localized here to our sphere,” Omar said excitedly.

“You are wise in the way of holes,” said the soothseer.

“Hey, let’s stay focused here, okay?” Phillip said.

“Phillip, this is what I told you about before. This is what most likely brought you here,” said Omar.

“This thing? I think I would have remembered getting swallowed by that,” said Phillip.

“Other than deliberate warp methods, this is the only way,” said Omar.

“That you know of,” said Phillip.

“Are you implying my knowledge of warp theory is incomplete?” Omar asked.

“Well, you are a cadet. Maybe there’s more to learn after you graduate?” Phillip reasoned.

“Probable, but unlikely. I am very knowledgeable of warp theory. I am the top in my class,” said Omar.

“There is such a thing as overconfidence, you know,” said Phillip.

“Keepers please. It is time,” said the soothseer.

“Time for what?” the boys asked in unison.

“The Sight.”

All at once, the soothseers began to chant. The chanting grew in force and volume until Phillip and Omar could barely tolerate it. Then they noticed the warp hole begin to shift and change.

“Great Hole in Space! Reveal the mysteries!” the soothseers said all at once.

The warp hole seemed to glow brighter. Then Phillip saw images erupt from within. Images he couldn’t comprehend.

“I see,” said the soothseer standing closest to them. “This is most distressing.”

“What is?” asked Phillip.

“Your destinies have been revealed to me.”

“Fascinating. Are you receiving raw information direct from the sub-realities between spheres? The Aethersphere, I guess it’s called?” Omar asked, scanning the gash in space with his glove.

“The warp hole speaks. It says, you do not belong here.”

“I could have told you that,” said Phillip.

“No. You specifically, Keeper. You do not belong here. The cadet major’s destiny brought him to this place,” said the soothseer.

“What? How could that be?” Omar asked.

“Hold on. What the heck are you talking about?” asked Phillip.

“The wave patterns are unclear. Hazy. But of this I am certain. The boy from Terra was meant to appear. You, however, have come unintentionally,” said the soothseer.

“Deliberate warping. My mission was sabotaged,” said Omar.

“So, what, I don’t have a great big destiny or whatever?” asked Phillip.

“Wait a moment. I see… video games. And cheese doodles,” the soothseer said.

“Oh come on! What a load!” Phillip said.

“Phillip. We have another clue. A clue that tells me we are dealing with a dangerous enemy. Someone forcefully redirected my warp to this planet. That kind of capability should be impossible but it’s the only explanation for why I veered so far off course and ended up here with you and the others,” said Omar.

“Yeah but hold on a sec with that. What about my destiny do you see that looks awesome?” Phillip asked the soothseer.

“Honestly very little,” said the soothseer, somewhat uncomfortably. “It seems you are destined for obscurity and degeneration. A sad way to see a Keeper go.”

“That can’t be right. How was Omar supposed to be here and not me? How could this have been a total accident? I was meant to do great things, right? I’ve already done great things! I’m sure of it!” said Phillip. The soothseer made a gesture which was equivalent to a Broneen shrug.

“Phillip, focus. We might be able to use this warp hole to get to our destination,” said Omar.

“Wait! Can we use it to get us home?” asked Phillip.

“I’m afraid I don’t have the energy capacity or the navigational ability to send us off sphere. This will only take us a short distance,” said Omar, punching away at his glove’s holo-menus.

“Well, it was worth a shot,” said Phillip.

“What are you doing, great Keeper?” the soothseer asked. The warp hole had changed shape until it almost looked like a doorway.

“I am going to use this to get us to the Tower. That was our destination before we ended up here,” said Omar.

“Do not! This is… uh, a great danger. Yes!” said the soothseer.

“Great danger!” the other soothseers echoed.

“I know it is risky, but we have dawdled too long. Are you ready, Phillip?” Omar asked.

“I guess. I sort of wanted to say goodbye to everybody,” said Phillip.

“I suppose. It would be rude to vanish so suddenly, but we shouldn’t waste too much more time,” said Omar.

“Hey, you’re the one who wanted to learn all about the history of this place and the Broneen. I just tagged along,” said Phillip.

“Great Keeper, please change the Great Hole in Space back to its original form. It was meant for viewing not travel,” said the soothseer.

“What is the matter? The warp hole is inactive until I send a surge through it. Nothing will come out of it,” said Omar.

“Not true! The Great Hole in Space is unstable! It will spit forth… um… chaos and… death. Yes! Death and tragedy unless it is bound!” said the soothseer, quite distressed.

“Death and tragedy!” the other soothseers echoed.

“Our understandings of warp holes seem to be at odds,” said Omar.

“Just do what the mystical alien says. It’s his warp hole,” said Phillip.

“Fine. If it will please our hosts, then I will…”

The warp hole made a sound like thunder and then grew twice, three times its original size.

“No! What have you done!” the soothseer cried.

“Omar, what the heck?” Phillip asked.

“It was not me. I swear!” Omar yelled.

The soothseers climbed out of the pit in a panic. The warp hole made another sound and began to suck in everything around it.

“You have doomed us all!” the soothseer cried.

“Wait! I think I can close it!” Omar shouted as he frantically navigated the menus on his glove.

“Forget it! Just run!” Phillip screamed.

The warp hole grew again and soothseers began flying into it. Phillip felt it pulling on him.

“Omar! Come on!” Phillip yelled.

“We’re all dead if I don’t this! Just give me one mini!” Omar shouted.

The warp hole now encompassed most of the chamber. Half of the soothseers were gone, disappeared through the hole. Phillip felt his feet starting to slip. It was pulling him in. He had to get out now. But then, what would happen to Omar? Then from behind, he heard a squeal.

“Flyl! Don’t!” Wisil screamed. In a moment of horror, Phillip saw the young Flyl soar over his head and get sucked into the wormhole. She seemed to be having a blast.

“No no no! This wasn’t supposed to happen!” Omar said, frantically inputting something into his glove. Suddenly Phillip grabbed Omar’s shoulder.

“We’re getting out of here now!” Phillip yelled.

“There’s no point! If this wormhole isn’t stabilized, the whole sphere will completely unravel!” Omar yelled back.

“Why didn’t you leave the damn thing alone!” Phillip yelled.

“It was harmless! This isn’t right!” Omar yelled.

Then all was dark and pain and then there was nothing.

 

There was nothing for a good long while. Then Phillip opened his eyes. All around him he could see infinity, or perhaps more accurately, he could see beyond infinity. It felt almost like when the Skull Crown had attached itself to his head but more than even that. He saw the past, the future, the present all rolled up into one thing. He saw stars explode and baby sharks eating each other in the womb. He saw the web of life spread before him like a bloody spider’s home, connecting everything to everything else. Then he saw the web become tiny, watched it splatter across the face of a desolate rock hurtling through space. Then he saw the rock crumble to dust until there was nothing left.

“Omar?” he called out, his voice echoing across eternity, muffled by the vast emptiness. “Anybody?”

“We’re in the sub-reality,” said Omar. He sounded so close, right next to Phillip’s ear, yet so far away.

“What’s happening?”

“We’re in between, or I guess more accurately, underneath reality. The sphere which we knew as Orbis is right next to us. You can just almost touch it. But we’re stuck here,” Omar explained.

“Stuck? No way. We can’t be stuck. Wormholes have two ends, right?”

“Stable ones do,” said Omar. The implication sunk in quickly.

“Crap. Crap! Why does this keep happening to us?” Phillip asked.

“That’s a good question,” said Phillip.

“What?” Phillip asked.

“Who was that?” asked Phillip.

“Alert! Mission compromised!” said Omar.

“Omar? What’s going on?” asked Phillip.

“Who’s Omar? Where’s my house? Where am I?” Phillip asked.

“I’m exiting the slide! I repeat! Exiting the sli-”

“Oh man. Remember this?” Phillip asked.

“Yes. That was so long ago,” said Omar.

“How did we get out of there?” asked Phillip.

“I think I refocused the lens on my warp modulator to navigate back to reality.”

“Oh yeah. I still don’t know what that means,” said Phillip.

 

Phillip opened his eyes. The world was orange again. He was outside. Where was this? In the distance, a crumbling spire rose, pricking the sky like an aged thorn. The air was still and quiet save for a slight breeze that pushed motes of sand and dust across the craggy rock where Phillip sat.

“Hello?”

Phillip waited for a response. Something moved. It had been sitting in front of him all along, but so still that he didn’t notice it was a living being.

“Hello, old friend. It has been so long,” said the creature, its voice sounding as ancient as the spire in the distance. It wore old brown rags, its whole body completely covered. But it’s eyes. Familiar alien eyes.

“Who are you? Where am I?” Phillip asked.

“I am your friend. You are in the right place, but the wrong time. You must go back from whence you came.”

“I don’t think we’ve met,” said Phillip.

“Not yet. But you already have,” said the alien.

“What?” Phillip asked.

The alien raised an ancient pink hand and waved it over Phillip. He felt strange, almost slippery, then he was falling again.

 

Phillip opened his eyes. He was sitting on a pile of dirt. Omar was sitting in front of him.

“Hey,” said Phillip.

“You seem well,” said a soothseer.

“Give it a mini,” said Omar. Phillip arched an eyebrow. Then he projectile vomited all of his breakfast.

“Ew! Smells funny,” said Flyl.

“What just happened? Ow, my stomach!” Phillip yelled.

“Good news, the world is still relatively intact. The warp hole must have sealed itself on the other side after I charged it with Venelin energies, collapsing the waveform. As for you, your body’s adjusting to real space again,” said Omar, sidestepping Phillip’s breakfast and doing a medical scan. “Slide Exposure Syndrome.”

“What?” Phillip asked.

“I believe I mentioned it before,” said Omar.

“This didn’t happen to me before. I think. I don’t know. Whoa. Why’s the world spinning?” Phillip asked.

“Residual momentum from when this universe popped into being almost 13 billion… ah, a figure of speech. You refer to your own frame of reference,” said Omar.

“Huh? Sure whatever. Just let me lie down for a second,” said Phillip.

“While the wise and merciful Keeper does that, maybe we can get back to the matter of where on Orbis we are,” said a soothseer.

“That won’t be easy to accomplish without a map and all the ones I have are only scraps of bigger ones,” said Omar. “This one for example shows that we are close to the Deep Roads, and that this particular track is about a day’s trek to the Tower but I don’t know where that pertains to the surface. We could have overshot clear to the other side of the Tower.”

While the others talked, Phillip lay on his side, holding his head. There were three soothseers, Omar, himself and Flyl, all in a small space underground. Another hub in the tunnel network. Phillip didn’t remember how he got there. He didn’t remember anything after getting sucked into that wormhole. Just black. Nothing.

“You okay?” Flyl asked.

“No,” said Phillip.

“Okay,” she said, like that was a good thing.

“What are you even doing here? You weren’t supposed to be in that big room with us,” said Phillip.

“I wanted to ask you something. But I don’t remember what it was,” said Flyl. Phillip sighed and rubbed his aching head.

“Regardless! The Keepers must continue their quest. We soothseers will find our own way home,” said one of the soothseers.

“That will not do. It was our fault that you ended up here so far from home,” said Omar.

“Hey, what’s this ‘our fault’ business? That was all you, buddy,” said Phillip.

“Still, we have an obligation to help them get home. They did shelter and feed us while we recuperated from the perilous trials that led us to them,” said Omar.

“These guys will be fine. They’re like, psychic or whatever. They can get back home, right?” asked Phillip.

“We have never been more lost. The air is thick with death and static,” said one of the soothseers.

“Death and static,” the others chanted.

“The Tower isn’t going anywhere. Besides, now that we’ve found this hub node we can navigate our way back to the Tower easier than ever,” said Omar.

“I just want to go home,” Phillip said. He felt tears coming on. He hadn’t cried in days and he wanted to keep that tally going. But then all at once he realized that the Broneen stranded with them wanted the very same thing. He sighed. “But I guess they were nice to us. Okay, let’s get them back to their city.”

After they had collected themselves and Phillip felt good enough to walk, they followed Omar and the chief soothseer down a series of hallways and makeshift tunnels. It was very dark. Phillip felt like they were even deeper underground than they were before and that was already pretty deep. The air stank. It was damp and stuff that Phillip hoped was water dripped down from the ceiling every few paces. He looked down at Flyl, following close to him.

“You doing okay?” Phillip asked.

“Me?” Flyl asked.

“Yeah. I’m... you’re the one I’m talking to right now, so yes. You,” said Phillip.

“Oh. I’m okay. This is fun!” Flyl said.

“I’m glad you think so,” said Phillip.

“Are we going home?” asked Flyl.

“We’re trying to. Omar knows his maps so we should get there okay,” said Phillip.

“It’s not the maps I’m worried about, it’s the environmental hazards,” said Omar.

“Trying to make a kid feel better here,” said Phillip, exasperated.

“Oh. Nevermind,” said Omar.

They were silent again for what seemed like a long time. Phillip was out of breath and his feet hurt, so it had probably only been twenty minutes.

“Who’s Kay-T?” Flyl asked suddenly.

“What?”

“Kay-T. You say that sometimes when you sleep. I don’t what it is, but I think it’s a being because of how you talked,” said Flyl.

“Katie. That’s my twin sister,” said Phillip.

“Twin?” Flyl asked.

“We were born at the same time, but we’re not identical. We’re not even that much alike,” said Phillip.

“Oh. I have twenty twins!” said Flyl.

“You what?” Phillip asked.

“I was born with twenty of my bro-bros and sissies,” said Flyl.

“At the same time? Geez! I hope you guys hatch or something cuz dang that’s rough,” said Phillip.

“Where is Katie?” asked Flyl.

“I don’t know. She’s probably still at summer camp, but she could be home by now,” said Phillip.

“What’s a summer camp?” asked Flyl.

“It’s a place where kids go to learn about nature and how to survive in it,” said Phillip.

“Who’s nature?” asked Flyl.

“Ho boy. It’s not a person, it’s everything around us. You know, wild stuff,” said Phillip.

“Okay,” said Flyl, though she clearly didn’t know what he meant.

After another series of tunnels, the area around them opened up a bit. It wasn’t quite the Deep Roads, but it was much wider and the ceiling further away. It gave the impression that they were in some kind of underground canyon. Omar stopped, his face twisted into a look of frustration.

“What’s wrong?” asked Phillip.

“We’re outside the map again. This may lead us to a section of the Deep Roads, it may lead us to a sheer impassable cliff, or it could just be a dead end about a day’s walk in that direction. There’s no way to know,” said Omar.

“Perhaps our sight can assist you,” said one of the soothseers.

“But you appear to be blind. Oh, figure of speech?” asked Omar.

“You’re just not good with words, are you?” asked Phillip.

“I’m good enough,” said Omar.

“Did you fail language in school?” asked Phillip.

“I passed with golden statues, thank you!” said Omar.

“Let us peer into the darkness. Stir up the motes of vision left by the Great Hole in Space,” said the soothseer.

“Hello!” Flyl shouted. Her voice echoed back. “There’s someone over there! Let’s go say hi,” Flyl squealed, running ahead at full speed.

“Oh for the love of…” Phillip muttered.

“Wait! Do not run ahead!” Omar yelled.

They chased the little Broneen but she was quicker than she looked. When it looked like they had lost her, a piercing shriek filled their ears. It was the most terrible sound Phillip had ever heard and the second most terrible for Omar. They ran ahead, stopping in their tracks at a frightening sight. Something held Flyl in its hand. Something covered in fur… no, covered in furs. A person! A girl?

“What is this disgusting thing that has attacked my leg with its mouth?” she asked, as she choked the life out of Flyl.

“Let her go!” Phillip demanded. The girl looked down at the boys. Something like surprise on her face.

“Boys? More boys? Here?” she said.

“That’s our friend. Drop her,” said Phillip.

“Your friend you say. Have you also defected to the Groneen ranks?” she asked. Flyl squirmed as the girl’s hand squeezed tighter.

“She’s not a Groneen she’s totally different so drop her you… whatever you are!” Phillip shouted.

“Silence! Do not deign to command me. You stand in the presence of royalty. Bow your head to the ground before I remove it from your shoulders,” she said.

“Royalty?” Phillip said.

“Stop talking, you’re messing with the algorithm,” said Omar, messing with his translation module.

“But I… already know what she’s saying,” said Phillip, confused. His head felt funny, a realization fighting to break through.

“That’s impossible. I would also understand her if she spoke the same language as you and her’s is radically different,” said Omar.

“Gibberish and nonsense from the dark one there, but you I can understand. What magic is this?” the girl asked.

“We’ll answer any questions you like but please stop before you kill my friend,” said Phillip.

“Hmm. I haven’t heard begging in a while. Beg some more and maybe your ‘friend’ will be freed,” said the girl.

“No! I’m tired of this bullcrap! Leave Flyl alone!” Phillip said, charging ahead, then stopping very quickly when the girl raised the spear he hadn’t noticed until now.

“As a friend of mine likes to say, you have messed with the wrong princess.”



© 2021 StarNinja


Author's Note

StarNinja
This was the hardest thing I've written in a very long time. But it had to be done. It had to! Please believe me!

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“Prove to me you are not a servant of the Groneen,” said the girl.
“How?” Phillip asked. The girl paused.
“I… um. Let me consider this for a moment,” she said.
“What’s going on?” Omar asked.
“She wants us to prove we’re not serving the Groneen,” said Phillip.
“Oh that’s simple. We can do a test of honor,” said Omar.
“A what?” Phillip asked.
“Are you sure that one isn’t calling me names. He’s looking right at me and I don’t like it,” said the girl.

REMARK: I always appreciate the little bits of humor you sprinkle here and there especially in intense fight scenes like this one.

“Did Slide Exposure Syndrome affect your memory or were you always like this?” Omar asked, annoyed.

“You think this is wrong? Unjust? This is no less than you deserve, boy. To lie to a princess, to mock her faith in you, to strike against her in defense of your atrocious actions, for this the sentence is death.”

REMARK: As the story progresses, your characters become more defined. I love the stark differences between the heroes and heroines. And I love to see their common fears and insecurities as well. I can never get enough of Milica's eloquence and Omar's crafty wit and Phillip's raw, abrupt courage.

She brought her hands together, fingers intertwined, and concentrated all the magic in her blood to the point where her palms met. Her aura shifted subtly. It seemed to coalesce until Omar could make out the shape of dragon’s wings in the air around her. The wings unfolded, a serpentine neck lifted, its murky outline in the space above her head becoming more defined with each passing moment until the aura had assumed the shape of a dragon. Its eyes were bright in the cavern’s dim light and its horns were majestic to behold.

REMARK: You portrayed the dragon spirit in a very vivid and haunting image. It was grandiose enough to hold the breath of the cadet with the stone face of a killer.

“Do you believe in fate?” Omar asked.

“She is a fickle goddess, but yes I do believe in her,” said Milica.

REMARK: Just another bit of dialogue I loved to quote. I think the reason I am deeply satisfied with Milica's language is because its poeticness and antiqueness falls in alignment with the way I love to write usually.

"If you’d said so before, I might have helped you. But you began this whole affair with spear swinging and threats on your breath. You can scream, you can cry havoc, you can attack me and everything I stand for, but hurting my friend… that, I will not abide. By my duty as a Viridian Core Cadet and protector of Kamensah everywhere, you will be terminated.”

REMARK: This proclamation indicates the level of closeness and trust that has evolved between Omar and Phillip. I especially admired the way Omar struggled anxiously to cook up a distraction plan for Phillip to escape.

I read this chapter as I listened to music with a racing beat and powerful rhythm and the music and your words fit nicely. To be honest, I have nothing in need of correction, rephrasing, cutting out or adjusting. You mentioned earlier that this was one of the hardest parts you've written in a long time. And I think the efforts you put are bearing fruit because reading it felt more like watching a scene from an animated film. Combat moves and reflexes don't require the author's knowledge of martial arts as much as it requires an observing eye and a crisp, visual memory, which is why writing such highly animated scenes brimming with action is not easy for me and I respect how you pulled it through smoothly, especially during very close encounters or almost-victorious strikes.

Still reading, still loving it.
Never stop.

~Aysha.

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

StarNinja

2 Years Ago

Thanks for another wonderful review. I noticed that the same thing tripped you up the last time you .. read more



Reviews

“Prove to me you are not a servant of the Groneen,” said the girl.
“How?” Phillip asked. The girl paused.
“I… um. Let me consider this for a moment,” she said.
“What’s going on?” Omar asked.
“She wants us to prove we’re not serving the Groneen,” said Phillip.
“Oh that’s simple. We can do a test of honor,” said Omar.
“A what?” Phillip asked.
“Are you sure that one isn’t calling me names. He’s looking right at me and I don’t like it,” said the girl.

REMARK: I always appreciate the little bits of humor you sprinkle here and there especially in intense fight scenes like this one.

“Did Slide Exposure Syndrome affect your memory or were you always like this?” Omar asked, annoyed.

“You think this is wrong? Unjust? This is no less than you deserve, boy. To lie to a princess, to mock her faith in you, to strike against her in defense of your atrocious actions, for this the sentence is death.”

REMARK: As the story progresses, your characters become more defined. I love the stark differences between the heroes and heroines. And I love to see their common fears and insecurities as well. I can never get enough of Milica's eloquence and Omar's crafty wit and Phillip's raw, abrupt courage.

She brought her hands together, fingers intertwined, and concentrated all the magic in her blood to the point where her palms met. Her aura shifted subtly. It seemed to coalesce until Omar could make out the shape of dragon’s wings in the air around her. The wings unfolded, a serpentine neck lifted, its murky outline in the space above her head becoming more defined with each passing moment until the aura had assumed the shape of a dragon. Its eyes were bright in the cavern’s dim light and its horns were majestic to behold.

REMARK: You portrayed the dragon spirit in a very vivid and haunting image. It was grandiose enough to hold the breath of the cadet with the stone face of a killer.

“Do you believe in fate?” Omar asked.

“She is a fickle goddess, but yes I do believe in her,” said Milica.

REMARK: Just another bit of dialogue I loved to quote. I think the reason I am deeply satisfied with Milica's language is because its poeticness and antiqueness falls in alignment with the way I love to write usually.

"If you’d said so before, I might have helped you. But you began this whole affair with spear swinging and threats on your breath. You can scream, you can cry havoc, you can attack me and everything I stand for, but hurting my friend… that, I will not abide. By my duty as a Viridian Core Cadet and protector of Kamensah everywhere, you will be terminated.”

REMARK: This proclamation indicates the level of closeness and trust that has evolved between Omar and Phillip. I especially admired the way Omar struggled anxiously to cook up a distraction plan for Phillip to escape.

I read this chapter as I listened to music with a racing beat and powerful rhythm and the music and your words fit nicely. To be honest, I have nothing in need of correction, rephrasing, cutting out or adjusting. You mentioned earlier that this was one of the hardest parts you've written in a long time. And I think the efforts you put are bearing fruit because reading it felt more like watching a scene from an animated film. Combat moves and reflexes don't require the author's knowledge of martial arts as much as it requires an observing eye and a crisp, visual memory, which is why writing such highly animated scenes brimming with action is not easy for me and I respect how you pulled it through smoothly, especially during very close encounters or almost-victorious strikes.

Still reading, still loving it.
Never stop.

~Aysha.

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

StarNinja

2 Years Ago

Thanks for another wonderful review. I noticed that the same thing tripped you up the last time you .. read more
Hi Dan,

I read this chapter just before going to sleep. As you already know I review writings by heart, so let me tell you how I felt as I scrolled down.

The princess, the cadet and Phillip are not just fictional characters. I realized they are my friends, one's that I haven't heard from in a long time. And it was so good to see them again and to listen to their hopes, fears and secret attraction to other characters.

I laughed and laughed when Milica thought Omar was calling her names, and when she criticized his hair and when Phillip wished he could curl up and die and forget about everything. It surprised me because he had been holding on tight, trying to be very brave for his young age, but deep inside, he was fragile and afraid and hopelessness reigned over his heart.

A few suggestions though, maybe instead of Omar saying "I am your worst nightmare", he could say something similar in his own way.. and Milica's thoughts, I think, should match the way she speaks, so instead of thinking that Omar is kind of cute, she could view him as handsome, attractive or beautiful? You can do this, I'm sure. It's all about cultural diversity and you've already displayed your ability to bring to life characters from very different worlds.

The fight scene was very intense and eloquently written. I can frankly see the effort you've put into the action part. You've entered the story's world and you've described what you've seen from all the fighting, without failing to leave some room for imagination. For the reader to wonder and picture and listen and pause and hope for the best.

"The bolt struck him and he felt a world of pain coursing through him..."

“I am not a cake. I am a princess!”

"Milica felt a sting in her chest that wasn’t just from her broken ribs. The cadet major, the stone faced warrior she’d seen before was now at rest. At peace. He didn’t seem quite so bad looking for a boy."

“Silence, False Prince! I will destroy you for this insolence!” Milica screamed.
“Is she crying?” Phillip asked.
“You must have really hurt her feelings,” said Omar.

“How dare you? This magic is my birthright. You will not steal it from me,” Milica said. The cords disappeared with a wave of her hand."

Just some of the lines that I liked..
I also noticed that Milica hates being lied to not only because it is in our nature to want to feel safe through honesty and clarity, but also because her family back in her homeland were not honest to her, and that I believe had left a wound in her. It became hard for her to trust and have faith in others.

I was confused by Omar's change of character at the end, but I'm assuming he was trying ti distract the princess until Phillip was up on his feet again.

In a more melodramatic confession, I'd like to let you know that reading Warp genuinely is one of the pastime activities that makes me simply happy. I look forward to the next chapter.

Never stop writing.

Your friend and fan,
~Rain.


Posted 6 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

StarNinja

6 Years Ago

Rain,
Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to read and review my writing. Your.. read more

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Added on January 24, 2018
Last Updated on May 27, 2021
Tags: Warp


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StarNinja
StarNinja

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