Thought Over a Glass of Wine

It's in the title

 

 

 

Tonight I am thinking upon relationships, particularly marriage relationships, and what they mean to me. But first a public announcement: I always get a little philosophical after a class of wine, as I have had tonight, and want to wax great thoughts across a page but usually it just sounds like I had a glass of wine. So have a glass of wine before you read these rather profoundly droll ideals, well, droll to you maybe but to me they are essential the core of my internal compass (see the philosophical bag of wind that I am is already starting and I’ve only completed the first paragraph).


When I think of relationships I think of my own marriage. My husband, Zac, and I have been together since 1995. We met the year before while we, he being music major and me being a drama major, were working on a musical. We also tended to run into each other between classes. I think of those times with both amusement and bitterness.


I say amusement because I can still feel the twenty year old mind and heart that knew nothing of the disappointment of love gone stale. My naïveté rubbed a good shine to the future I was planning with Zac. There was love, that sharp sparkling glitter that rested in the center of my chest. It zinged and pranced along my spine. It sharpened my senses and created a gallery of memories that would, in time, bring me through the darker lonely times.


I was, thankfully, never one who believed in that sickening and oft over used term “soul mates”. No, I was never THAT fanciful or childish. I believed love was a choice, a verb, not something that just happened to you like stepping in a pile of s**t whilst you were looking the other way. I would, in the coming years, learn to practice what I believed. As anyone who has been in a long term relationship can tell you there is nothing pretty about waking up to the same creased bed beat face everyday with love and affection, it is a choice to love in spite of it.


I think of the day I gave my wedding vows as a twenty-two year old girl, yes girl is an apt description, as I stood next to my aged groom of twenty three and made vows. Vows, a solemn promise, and a pledge to Zac that I believe I’ve worked diligently to live up to from day forth. It went something like this:


“Andrea, do you take Zachary to be your wedded husband to live together in marriage. Do you promise to love, comfort, honor and keep him For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And forsaking all others, be faithful only to him so long as you both shall live?"


I remember being nervous, actually giggly and trust me I am NEVER giggly, before saying my vows and yet rock steady while saying them. All nervousness had fled as I said my vows to God, Zac and myself. Silly girl, I should have been shitting my panties. At twenty two I only had a small inkling of what those vows would mean to me versus what they would me to my partner and to the rest of humanity. I was in for an uphill battle and I forgot to put on my armor.


The statistics for marriage are not pretty. If I had known they were worse than I thought I probably would have given the thought of marriage significant pause before plunging into this lifelong commitment.

Here is the break down of divorce statistics:


Median age at first marriage:

Males: 26.9
Females: 25.3


Median age at first divorce:

Males: 30.5
Females: 29


It doesn’t look good does it? There are many reasons couples bust up before they even hit their five year mark but I personally think the biggest reasons are money, children, careers, infidelity and a more modern pressure distance created by jobs/commuting. There are a lot of external pressures on couples.


I could go into great depth about my theories on how boundaries or lack of boundaries between the work place and the home is severing relationships between spouses. That the twenty four tether created by email and phones to work and the work colleagues (often affairs begin at the jobsite and the colleague becomes “just friends” which is a subversive colloquialism for “affair partner”) creates a rift between spouses because the job gets more attention and the work relationships are given the cultivation that the marriage is not given. However, in the interest of time, I believe I will save these theories for another glass of wine.


I will say this, when I said my vows nearly eleven years ago I meant them. I didn’t know how much I meant them until they were tested daily and sometimes deeply. There have been times I did not think I could live up to them. There have been times I did not think he would ever live up to his. Maturity did prevail but it took a long time and a lot of introspection to figure out where and what the hell we were doing wrong. Now I have a much deeper understanding of my vows and whether these vows were inspired by God or by human I could careless but I will say whoever wrote them sure as hell knew it was hard. Vows are more a warning and a reminder of the level of commitment one is entering into when you enter into marriage. It is not for the weak willed or the fickle minded.


It is easy to love when everything is hunky dory but it is hard as hell to feel the sparkle of love when you’re: knee deep in debt, watching a spouse self destruct, living hundreds of miles away, listening to someone tell you just unappreciated you are, feeling unappreciated, washing dishes, paying bills, holding hair to that puking partner, listening to snoring, washing underoos, picking hair out of the drain, tripping over shoes, cleaning snot rags off the floor, watching the trash pile up because no one is taking it out and basically living the humdrum life that all of us sucka’s are stuck with until death. I have chosen everyday of every hour to love in spite of every annoying, disturbing and ridiculous personality quark of his but it hasn’t been an easy choice.


The term “soul mate” has never done justice to the real life ups and downs of REAL LOVE. It is a romantic chimera that makes for a good movie or book (ever notice how tragic most of those are) but in real life leaves much to be desired in a mate.

Just a thought I was having over my glass of wine.

 

 

Reviews

[CROSS QUARTRMANI]

Great write loved it. I'm not married yet myself but it makes me think of the challenges that should be taken into consideration before that day.

[Lori]

Bravo! This really captures what it means to share your life with another. It isn't a fairy tale, but it's real and if you're lucky it helps you grow. If it were easy, there'd be no point in it. I mean, is there really any character development in a fairy tale? This is really well written; it should be in every bridal magazine on the newsstands!

[CarrieLynn {Chameleon A..]

Very introspective and really made me delve deeper into my own thoughts what marriage is all about. I'm glad that my eye caught this when it did. Thanks for posting this...Wonderful write! :)