Rakurai - Teaser

Opening scenes of my new book, Rakurai. Three martial artists are thrown together in the Lightning Martial Arts Tournament where they can win big if they can overcome their demons.

Sosa stepped out into the Arena, raising his hand to shield his eyes from the glare of the lights, the roar of the crowd surrounding him.
'This is it.' Tomiji said, draping an arm across his shoulders. 'Just try to stay out of my way and don't cramp my style.'
'Don't tell me what to do.' Sosa growled, shrugging him off. 'Got it?'
Tomiji simply grinned, bounding up the stairs to the Ring and vaulting over the ropes.
'Grandstanding little...' Sosa muttered with a shake of his head, turning to Kayu and jerking his thumb over his shoulder. 'Come on. What are you waiting for, an invitation?'
She swallowed visibly, glancing almost longingly back at the exit before following Tomiji into the Ring.
Some team these two are...
Need to do some work on their opponents. Have the announcer provide some details about them, including the fact that Sosa's team is newly matched together and this is their first fight.

'Welcome, one and all, to the Arena and the start of an exciting weekend of bravery and fighting spirit. I'm Masato Nobimaru. Now, without further ado, let's start the first round. In the red corner, we have three returning veteran fighters, Konoye Fujimoto, Yoshi Masaki and Shusuke Tabata, who will be no strangers to most of you here. And, in the blue corner, we have the challengers, Sosa Fujita, Tomiji Nakazawa and Kayu Kitigawa. An unknown quantity, these three have never fought together before. Will we find a diamond in the rough or just three more amateurs punching above their weight? Let's find out...'


As soon as the bell rang for the start of the fight, Tomiji stepped forward,delivering a high-kick to the empty air, the crowd cheering in appreciation.
'And Tomiji starts the bout with a blast.' Nobimaru said. 'He's got some moves, but can he deliver when it counts?'
Good question... Sosa thought as Tomiji stepped back into a fighting stance, extending his hand and beckoning with two quick movements. In answer to his challenge, Konoye stepped forward with his hands held away from his sides. Without seeming to move, Tomiji stepped forward into a roundhouse kick towards Konoye's head, the ball of his foot catching him across the temple and sending him staggering backwards.
'And, he can.' The Announcer said, over the roar of the crowd. 'That's one point already. This is shaping up to be an exciting match.'
Above them, the score counter marked off one point and Tomiji turned to the crowd, raising his fist in adulation. However, Konoye recovered faster than he expected, kicking out to sweep his legs out from under him and send him crashing to the mat.
'And Konoye turns the tables, scoring two points with a successful fall. The challengers will have to work hard to come back from that mistake.'
Idiot! Need to do something fast, or we're going to lose this...
Sosa stepped forward towards Yoshi, circling him carefully, watching for an opening. From the corner of his eye, he saw Kayu stepping back as Shusuke advanced towards her, stepping in with a savage punch to her head. She dodged the blow, using his momentum to send him stumbling away. However, he recovered his balance and Sosa clenched his fist.
Damn Aikido. We need to be scoring points here...
He feinted left and struck right, getting past Yoshi's guard and striking him in the chest, making him stagger backwards.
'And Sosa scores another point, bringing the challengers back into the game. Now, they just need to score two more points to win. So far, Sosa has carried this match for his team. Can he pull a win out of the bag for them? And Yoshi's goes on the offensive...
Yoshi lunged forward with a quick jab and Sosa fell back a step, blocking the blow a little more clumsily than necessary.
Come on. Take the bait...
Yoshi followed through with a cross and Sosa caught his arm, twisting to slam him to the mat.
'And Sosa scores the decisive fall. What an upset, folks...'



'Alright!' Tomiji said, his fist pumping the air as they walked out of the Arena. 'We kicked a*s.'
'We?' Sosa growled. 'We didn't do anything.'
'What are you saying?' Tomiji asked and Sosa rounded on him.
'If you hadn't been so busy showing off, we could have wrapped that match up in five minutes.'
'Hey, lighten up.' Tomiji said. 'People come here for a show and I gave it to them. If we wanna go places, then we need to stand out from the crowd.'
'We need to win our fights.' Sosa countered, turning to Kayu. 'And you! What were you doing? You get that we need to score points, right? That means landing body blows or making falls, not covering your own a*s...'
'I'm sorry. I just...' She began, and Tomiji interrupted.
'Who made you the boss, huh? Come on, I'm starving. Let's grab our winnings and get something to eat.'
'Fine...'






'We need to talk about our next fight.' Sosa said and Tomiji looked up at him, pushing aside his empty bowl of Ramen.
'We're back on this again? Listen...'
'No, you listen. We got lucky, today. But, if we're really going to be serious about this, then we need work better together.'
'And what about you?' Tomiji asked, putting down his chopsticks. 'You're throwing your weight around, but I don't hear you saying how you're going to work with us.'
'I'm not the one who was screwing around in ring. If you hadn't been showing off, then Konoye wouldn't have got that fall against you. And she's just a liability...'
'Don't talk about her like she's not here. And, yeah, I took a fall. But, I also got three points for us and took him out of the fight. I'm outta here.'
'Hey...' Sosa called, but he ignored him, heading out onto the street with his hands in his pockets. Sosa sighed, turning back to Kayu who was hunched in the corner, not looking up from the table with her hands folded.
'And what about you?' Sosa demanded, turning to Kayu.
'I...I'm sorry.' Kayu said, without meeting his gaze. 'It won't happen again...'
'Good...'

Author's Note

The opening scenes of my new book, eventually intended for Kindle. I'm looking for constructive criticism of the pacing, characters, dialogue, that sort of thing.

Reviews

[David Jae]

I agree. That's something I'll need to watch in the future. Thank you for taking the time to review.

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

the read is good, the action is ok, I think you can work on it, and the dialogue looks like a turn to turn dialogue, like if youre saying something and then you shout "ok your turn to say something." get it? Dialogue is very important but add some movement inside of it, not all the time but randomly and it will expand the scene. and please dont use so many tags, for example, he said, she said, sosa said, etc. try to address the person he is talking to so that way you dont have to add tags in dialogue.

[Richard Patrick]

The story is good, the dialogue is as it should be. Your descriptions of the fight scene is good. However you should have the scene being fater in regards to the blows. LIke. The fist flew. Caught him. His ribs stung. The knee caught him on the short side. Where the knee hit. His chest was devastated. I hope this helps.

[David Jae]

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind for the future...

[Tomoe Tellez]

I think the pacing is great for this genre and the dialogue follows along just well with the action. Not too much dialogue and the action that goes with each character lets you keep track of who is who.You have good balance.

[David Jae]

Thank you very much. That means a lot to me. I hope to be publishing the full book on Kindle later this year.

[Tomoe Tellez]

And I hope I'll get to read it :D.